Broken strings

I posted some of this on Tumblr the other day and thought I'd perhaps go a bit more into it here:

I often wonder when the strings all broke. When did it become too much for me to handle things on my own? I’ve struggled with many of the same problems for years. But why has it all decided to come apart now? 

I can’t help but wonder if the nervous breakdown I had a few years ago was the strings beginning to break. Maybe that was the first sign of things to come. Yet maybe not.  

A few years ago, I had a full on nervous breakdown. There's really no other way to describe it. I know I've talked about this before. It was in 2009, my 2nd to last semester of my Senior year of college.  It was during what was know as Semester Y in the degree for Elementary Education. It was pretty much the semester from hell (if you'll excuse my language). I had been warned several times previously by my advisor that Semester Y was intense and stressful. It was recommended that you didn't work during that semester because of how intense it was. Luckily, I had quit my job the semester prior. I had only been working for a little over 6 months at the Stillwater Public Library as a Shelver.  Things had already started becoming too much for me to handle during Semester X and I knew it was only going to get much worse, so I decided to quit in order to focus completely on my studies.

I was already worried about Semester Y. Everyone was. Everyone had heard the same basic things I had: That it was crazy and intense.  There was an option to take the ExCEL program which meant you'd spend one day on campus taking all the necessary coursework and spend 3 days at the Elementary School. It meant that you had the option of a full-year of student teaching instead of just one semester since many times you could stay with your placement teacher. You also got to stay in Stillwater teaching at one of the local Elementary Schools.   If you opted not to take ExCEL you had a practicum experience, All-Day on Wednesday in  the Oklahoma City area and had your classes spread out throughout the rest of the week except for Friday. Fridays everyone had off regardless if you were in ExCEL or not.  The ExCEL program seemed like a good idea but I ultimately decided not to do it. I was already concerned about being able to handle the amount of classes spread over the week. I couldn't even imagine cramming them all into a single day. It was a limited amount they accepted into the program anyways and while I'm sure I could've made it, I just felt like I'd stick with the regular courseload.

It turns out that perhaps it was better for me to have been in the regular program. Already from the first day of classes, I felt overwhelmed with everything. It was insane!  I honestly didn't know how I was going to be able to handle everything or even if I would be able to handle everything.

I don't quite remember how soon after the beginning of the semester it was but it happened: I had a nervous breakdown. It happened right after my Intermediate Math class (The teacher was so horrible. We all hated her. Everyone in her class hated her. She basically said we were stupid but smiled about it and gave us cookies!) I'm not sure what exactly broke me but I did. I'm pretty sure that I was on the verge of breaking down right as the class ended. I'm not even sure that I didn't already break down before leaving the class. I know the minute I stepped outside the classroom though, I just broke down. I was crying and just couldn't get myself together. 

It was so bad. I remember calling my mother who tried so hard to get me to calm down but I just couldn't. I just remember going outside and sitting on one of the buildings in just a state. It got so bad that I was hyperventilating and started feeling dizzy and faint; like I was going to pass out. It was just horrible and it scared me. Eventually I did calm down. I remember going back into the building and up to my professor's class and talking to her about something. Something that I didn't understand in class.  Something that had essentially set me off.

What happened legitimately scared me. Nothing like that had ever happened before. Ever. It freaked me out so much. I knew I needed some help. I didn't know if I could happen again but I just knew I didn't want it to happen again. So I sought counseling.  That was really the first time the string broke.

Counseling helped. Things I'm discussing in therapy now where some of the same things I discussed back then. Only now there's more. I think I only went for 6 sessions. That's all I felt I needed to get me back to a better place. Get me to a point where I was able to handle things again. To help me repair the string that had broken or at least fix it enough.

Sometimes now, I wonder if I was really ever ok after that.  Perhaps the string was never completely repaired. Perhaps it was only temporarily fixed. Perhaps it was simply just frayed. Maybe it was just barely fixed. Fragile, barely held together; susceptible to breaking again.
 
The 2nd string certainly broke during 2010 Graduation week. Perhaps that was really the string that resulted in things being the way they are now.

I've already explained the chaos that happened during Graduation week. So many emotions going on that week. I don't think I ever quite had the time to grieve. I didn't feel like I had time to really say goodbye to my life there. On top of all that, I was supposed to be happy that I was graduating. Happy to be spending time with family celebrating. Too many things going on. 

Failing to get into the grad program there at Oklahoma State was probably when the string actually broke. I had failed at something. I had failed and I didn't understand why I had failed. Everything that happened afterward just added until the string finally broke.

There was no counseling this time. Nothing to get me back on track. There really wasn't time. I had to figure out the next step. Where I was going to next. That occupied my time. I didn't really have time to focus on what had just happened. The string was broken but I couldn't think about it then.  I was too busy searching for another grad school and then trying to apply. Then I had to find a new place to live once I got in. The chaos still wasn't over. 

I finally got here to Denton and was just trying to get settled into a new place and a new school.  For awhile, things were just ok. I figured I was still adjusting.  But then after awhile, things started building up again. Things weren't getting any better. I was lonely and I think I finally started to really grieve over what happened in Oklahoma. Things had finally calmed down enough that I was starting to make sense of what happened.

And then the Incident happened. Another string was broken. Still though, I did nothing.

I fell further and further into a depression. Locked myself away. Ashamed over what happened. Not saying a word to anyone except my friends. Then the return and I'm sent into another breakdown over the memory of what had happened months previously. Yet another string broken. Pushed into a further state of unhappiness.

Finally, I reached out. I just couldn't handle it anymore. The broken strings had gotten to be too much.  I was dealing with too much. Freaked out over what happened. Dealing with general unhappiness with being here in Denton and dealing with stress in my courses. I reached out to counseling. Short-term. It helped. I felt like a lot was said and things were starting to improve.

Summer came. On the trip back home, things were discussed. Things had gotten to the point that even my family noticed my unhappiness and were concerned for me.  Things were fine during the summer. Then I return to Denton.  I still had things left unresolved. I didn't want to return to the state I was in prior to leaving for the summer. I returned to the short-term counseling before they suggested the Psychology Clinic and more long-term therapy. 

Since then, that's where I've been. The strings have slowly begun being fixed. 

So many broken strings. Sometimes it's a wonder I've survived this long.

I'm a bit tired of the strings being broken. I often wonder if they'll ever be fixed again. If I'll ever be "normal" again.