Flashback and Comparing

*Reader beware: This is a long blog (not that that's unusual). Be advised*

This Wednesday was another busy day for me. First off, I'd been busy with my EOP (End-Of-Program) Exam all week starting last Friday until this morning.  The EOP exams of picking 3 topic questions out of a total of 10 to do 3 research essays (1 per question) on. It had already been a long and stressful past few days on Wednesday. I'd been busy working almost nonstop on my essays. I wanted to have all 3 essays done by Wednesday since I knew I was going to be busy. However, things didn't quite work out as I had originally hoped. I blame myself really. I had Essay 2 and 1 done by Tuesday and was really slow getting to work on Essay 3. By Tuesday, I was just tired of it all and wanted to be done. I got up a bit late Tuesday morning and didn't really rush to start on my final essay. Instead I put it off for awhile. I finally started it but only worked on it for about an hour before I went to help out at the Emily Fowler library with one of their weekly programs. I came back and still didn't really work on my essay. I had a bit of a snack and just messed around. Then I made dinner. Finally I got started on my essay. I got it started Tuesday night and tried to get as much done as possible but I didn't finish it like I wanted to.  I was up a bit late too working on it.

Wednesday morning, I woke up really early just so I could finish it. I only got about 4 hours of sleep which didn't exactly help much. To add to that, I decided that I wasn't going to have caffeine in the form of Iced Coffee that morning. Yeah, it was a bit of a challenge that day trying to stay awake. But I did end up finishing my essay in the morning so it was worth the lack of sleep. Right after I finished, I had to had to the bus stop so I could get to campus early. I wanted to try and have lunch before my therapy session since I wasn't going to be able to afterward. After lunch, I had my therapy session at 1PM and then caught the bus back to my apartment. I had a small break before I had to change clothes and be at the North Branch library to help out with a program.

I'd actually forgotten about agreeing to help out with the program until last week when the children's librarian reminded me during the Magic Treehouse program. I figured it would be a good break from me since I was going to be tired from working on my EOP and it was a good break but it was also very chaotic I felt.

Anyways, so I got to the library and was ready to help out with the program. We were going to be putting on a tour and scavenger hunt for a group of 4th and 5th grade students. It was some sort of after school program. The librarian needed some extra hands to keep an eye out.

I feel like I should mention that when I first got in, the teen librarian and the practicum student called the children's librarian and I over to show us something that one of the other branch librarians had sent. Apparently the other librarian had made an error in an advertisement. It seemed to me that they found it funny which I guess in a way it was but it also made me feel a bit awkward. I mean, everyone makes mistakes and part of me felt that they were not being very nice toward the other librarian. The Teen librarian emailed the other librarian back though, pointing out the error. So hopefully everything turned out ok. Still though, just the way they had reacted made me feel a bit uncomfortable.

Anyways, moving on. So while we were waiting for the kids to arrive, the practicum student and I helped get some clipboards together. She mentioned to the Teen librarian that she had applied for a Library Assistant II position at South branch and how she had gotten called in for an interview. I hadn't even heard about the position so I couldn't apply for it. It made me feel bad since here I was the one going to be graduating and needing the job. Then again, I hadn't exactly been trying all that hard. The practicum student said it hadn't been open very long and then asked me if I was part of LISSA. I was a bit delusional from exhaustion and the EOP that at first I thought she said LISTA which is a database we library science students are supposed to use to find electronic articles.  But she was actually talking about the Library and Information Science Student Association. She said that job postings were listed there for North Texas and that I should check it out.  I told her I would keep it in mind knowing that I probably wouldn't be looking at it for some time since I'm having issues in general with getting motivated to begin even searching for a job.

So the librarian had us help set up a few things and write a Welcome message on the dry erase board in the program room. I wrote the message but as usual, it went crooked. I just can't seem to write in a straight line when it comes to writing on a dry erase board or anything similar. Without lines, I tend to slant upwards when I write. I The practicum student was watching me and when I joked I couldn't write straight on a board she commented about how she had to learn. I explained that I had never really been able to write straight on a board, not even when I was student teaching. That's when she mentioned that she had been a student teacher too.  I told her that I was a student teacher and that it showed me that I wasn't meant to be a teacher.

Then the program began. The kids came in and things were a bit crazy for awhile. They were very loud and I wasn't entirely sure what I was supposed to do.  I've never been someone who felt very comfortable yelling at the kids to get them to calm down and pay attention. The librarian and the librarian assistant got them to calm down and listen. I was already getting a bit of a flashback moment at this point to Student Teaching and it was already making me a bit nervous.

When we were doing the tour of the library, we each took a group. The children's librarian and I had the 5th graders while the Library Assistant and the practicum student had the 4th graders. There was also some sort of camp supervisor or something with each group. The tour was interesting but the kids were very loud and it was a bit hard to keep them all under control. I was still uncertain of what my job was. I tried to make sure the kids were staying with the group but felt awkward when it came to making sure they stayed quiet and listened.  I was just starting to have flashbacks to my student teaching and trying to keep discipline and I didn't really like it. It was becoming apparent to me at this point that the counselor or whoever was with our group was doing little to nothing to help us control the kids.

It was pretty funny when we went into the Teen Room. It was already loud (it always is) and it got a bit louder when we got in there. The 5th graders were trying to act all cool but the minute we went into the Red Room, they went crazy! Playing with the Puppet stage and giant stuffed tiger. It was just so funny.

 Finally once the other group had finished their tour, we headed back into the Program Room. As we went back into the room, I noticed the Practicum Student keeping control of some of the kids who were waiting in line to get drinks from the water fountain. She just had more control of the kids. More of the "Teacher Voice"  and discipline stuff that I lacked; perhaps never really had to begin with. It made me feel inferior in comparison to her. It just made me feel terrible. Like I wasn't as good as she was.

Then came the scavenger hunt. The Library Assistant, practicum student, and I were all stationed at different areas within the library to assist the students with any problems they had with the questions. I was in the Junior Fiction area. It quickly became apparent to me that the students had no clue how to search for the questions. The question in the Junior Fiction area required that the students find a book by a certain author. After listening and observing for awhile, I picked up on a pattern: The students were all trying to search for the author by the first name! It hadn't occurred to them that if they couldn't find the author by the first name to search by the last name. They just never made that connection.  So I ended up helping them out by telling them to try searching by the last name. They finally got it and were able to finish the Scavenger Hunt.

Then the students went back to the Program Room, shared some of their answers, received a pencil and it was over. I was so glad. I was just feeling awkward afterward. Overwhelmed and just trying to figure out what had just happened. It was crazy.  I just kept saying that it reminded me too much of why I decided not to become a teacher. I just couldn't handle this type of stuff on a daily basis. It was just too much for me I felt.

It just reminded me way too much of my Student Teaching experience which I just hated. I was miserable with my experience. I mean there were a few things I did enjoy but mostly I didn't.  I'm just not good at discipline and such. I quickly picked up on the fact that these 4th and 5th grade students were at-risk and a bit lower level. When asked earlier many of them mentioned they hadn't been to a library before or that it had been years since they had. I got my confirmation during the scavenger hunt when I had to help them figure out to search by the last name. The logical connection would be that if you can't find something by the author's first name, to try searching by the last name. They just weren't making that connection and therefore that's why I had to help them.

Finding that out for certain afterwards from the Library Assistant just really made me think about my Student Teaching experience which was also with a lot of at-risk students. While the whole program overall was interesting, it just made me think too much about my student teaching and why I ultimately decided teaching just wasn't for me. 

The whole point of this is that I just felt so inferior compared to the practicum student. She had more of the "teacher voice" and the discipline down. Me on the other hand wasn't sure what to do

I don't know why I compare myself to others like this but I do. I compare myself and feel horrible when  I feel like they are much better at it than I am. I guess part of it stems from what I overheard last week. I overheard the children's librarian tell the practicum student "They were really impressed with you." What she was talking about, I'm not 100% certain. I'm pretty sure it had to do something with the one of the other branches. But it made me feel like perhaps I wasn't really impressive as a practicum student. That I wasn't that good. I guess that's why I felt the way I did after the program.

I don't know why I compare myself to others. Why I can't simply be content with my own accomplishments. Why I feel like there's always someone better than me. 

I'm sure I'm just as good as this practicum student is. Otherwise I wouldn't have passed last semester. Otherwise, I wouldn't be where I am right now close to graduating.

If only I could believe that more.