Fear of Failure

I've been thinking lately why I'm so afraid of failing. Why I try so hard at things. I really don't know. This week in therapy we talked about this.

I talked about how I considered my first failure to really be not getting into the graduate program there at Oklahoma State. However, the more I thought about it afterwards, I realized that isn't exactly true.

I thought back to middle school/junior high and the end of 7th grade. 

Back when I was in 6th grade and registering for 7th grade classes, I remember taking tests for the Accelerated classes and passing. I took Accelerated Science, Math, and English. I didn't take the test for Accelerated History because I didn't want to take the class. I liked History just fine but wasn't really interested in taking the accelerated class. 

I did fine with Accelerated Science and even with Accelerated English.  However, when it came to the Accelerated Math, I really struggled. Math was never really a strong subject for me but yet somehow I managed ok. At least I seemed to manage ok until I got into 7th grade. I just had a really difficult time with the Accelerated Math which was actually Pre-Algebra.  Obviously, it wasn't that I wasn't smart enough to be in the class since I had passed the test to get into it.  I just couldn't understand the concepts my teacher was trying to teach. I tried really hard in the class but I still just couldn't understand.

I felt like my teacher wasn't very supportive either. She would explain things to me over and over again and I still wouldn't understand. At some points it felt like she was irritated with me. It wasn't my fault I couldn't understand. She would even tell me that if I would stop talking to my friends so much and pay more attention, I'd understand it. But I would pay attention and yet I still wouldn't understand. My friends tried to help me and my sister-in-law tried to help me. Somehow, despite my struggles though, I manged to keep at least a B average in the class.  There were definitely a few assignments that I basically failed at (C or D grade) but still I managed to somehow keep a fairly decent grade.

I really didn't like math at this point. I felt stupid and just hated struggling so much. I hated math. I guess I knew I had problems with math but just kept trying. I still counted with my fingers for addition and subtraction. I was fairly good at multiplication but not for some facts. So I already had problems long before my struggles in 7th.

But then the tests came to qualify for taking 9th grade level classes in 8th grade. I took all the tests this time including for Accelerated 8th grade History (not for high school credit). English and Science went pretty well I felt and so did History. However, when it came to the test for Algebra, I struggled. I remember struggling on the test and I also remember not quite finishing. I remember panicking and just giving up near the end and filling out answers so I'd at least have something.  I still don't think I quite finished though.

I remember not feeling too pleased with how it had gone afterwards. But I tried not to think about it too much. I guess I thought I tried my best and that maybe I'd still manage to make it into the class. Maybe because I'd gotten into the Pre-Algebra class in 7th and felt I hadn't really done with on the test either, that I'd still have a shot. A few weeks later when the results came, I was shocked to  discover that while I had passed the tests for all the other classes, I had not passed the test to get into Algebra.

I remember just feeling so horrible about it. I couldn't really even be pleased that I had made it into the other classes. I just felt horrible about not making it into the Algebra class. My friends had made it but I hadn't.  It was awful.

I remember breaking down into tears. Honestly, I don't even think I waited until I got home. I remember just feeling horrible. I had failed at something.

I remember my parents trying to console me and telling me that they were proud of me anyways. Still it didn't make me feel very good.

Of course it also showed that I had a weakness and that weakness was math. Failing to get into the Algebra class basically said that I was struggling and that I needed help. That's where the Slyvan Learning Center came in. For my entire 8th grade year, I went to the center on weekends and breaks in Las Cruces. They helped me get back on track and while I still didn't like math that much. I no longer really hated it. As it was, I was better at it and did quite well at it in high school. So much that when I was a Senor, I took Pre-Calculus and did fairly well.  I even took College Algebra my second semester of 12th grade.

Failing to get into Algebra in 8th grade, was actually my first failure. The first time I can remember failing at something and feeling really horrible about it.  I've struggled and haven't always been perfect. I've had failures throughout but I guess this was really my first big failure. The first time I really tried hard at something but failed to live up to expectations.

Still though, it doesn't really say why I'm so afraid of failing. I guess I've just always have generally done well at school because I just liked to learn. I wanted to do my best.  Maybe it's because I've never really done horribly that I'm so afraid to fail.  Who knows?

Failure is always an option (or so people say) but it's not an option I'd chose to pick.