Crybaby

It's taken me a awhile to write a post about this. It's not a easy thing at all to write because it takes me back to times in my life that have been unhappy.

However, I feel in a way, it explains why I am the way I am in situations. Namely why I can't seem to make it through a therapy session without breaking down in some way.

Maybe it explains it. I don't know.

As you all know because I've said it enough on here, when I was younger I struggled to make friends.

I still struggle to make friends. It hasn't really changed.

I'm not sure why I've struggled to make friends but I do and I did.

I've almost always been different. Felt different from many of my classmates. My mom  always said that it could have been because I was more mature than most of my classmates.  I thought differently than they did. In a way, I seemed to be more "advanced" in my thinking than most of my classmates.

I remember trying to make friends but having problems. I remember feeling like I was being left out of things. That people just didn't really like me. Well, my classmates I mean.

I don't remember when but at some point, I was labeled "Crybaby".  I remember being younger and yes, I did cry quite a bit. I guess I felt that was the only way I could react to things. I didn't know how to react to things, so I cried and got upset that way.

Somewhere along the way, that was how I was labeled by my classmates. That's how they thought of me.

I don't know if this necessarily contributed to some of the reasons why people didn't like me but it wouldn't surprise me if it did.

I guess I was just a very emotional type of person. I guess I still am one. It's just who I am.

Maybe my classmates didn't understand it and that's why they labeled me a "Crybaby".

It wasn't that I cried all the time. I mean I did cry probably more than necessary and eventually, I grew up and essentially grew out of it. Well, mostly.

But the name stuck. I don't even think it was a name given to me simply because I cried a lot though. I was labeled "Crybaby" at the Recreation Center but I don't believe it was simply because I cried. In fact, I didn't really cry that much. I'm pretty sure it had partially to do with the fact that I told the program counselors when I was being picked on. Not that it made much of a difference. I was still picked on and still considered an outcast. The name stuck and I guess that's just how I came to be known.

I remember visiting the Recreation Center a few years after I'd stopped going. A couple of friends of mine and I had decided to visit the pool and go swimming. While heading into the locker room to change, I  saw a girl I recognized from the Recreation Center program. One of the ones that had made fun of me. I know she saw me and remembered me. As we went into the locker room,  I overheard the girl say to someone "You know Ronda is the biggest crybaby in the world". Of course that hurt my feelings.  I remember feeling confused and hurt. I remember wondering what I'd ever done to the girl to have her call me names like that.

I've grown to really hate the word "Crybaby" and I hate how it seems that I was labeled that way. It's still hard for me to hear the word and not react. I have a hard time even saying it sometimes.

Sometimes as much as I hate it, I feel like I am one. I feel like I am a Crybaby. Sometimes it's the only way I feel I can describe myself. It's sometimes the way I see myself.

Just because I'm an emotional type of person though, doesn't mean that I'm a Crybaby. Just because I happen to be an emotional person  is no reason to call me names and label me. It doesn't give you or anyone the right to make me feel bad about who I am.

I hate being called a Crybaby. I hate that I'm labeled that way. I'm just being who I am.

If only I could believe that it's not me. It's not who I am.

If only I could stand up for who I really am in real life like I seem to be able to do online.

If only it was that simple.