When will my reflection show who I am inside?

I just don't know anymore. It's that simple. I don't feel like I know who I am anymore. 

I just don't know. It's all complicated. Everything seems complicated. 

I don't want to complain anymore. I want to understand what it all means. 

I'm just tired of trying to make sense of everything. 

Prepare yourself for yet another long post where I mostly rant about things.

I had another therapy session today and as has become tradition, I broke down in tears again.
I just can't seem to make it through a session where I don't get emotional and break down in tears. One session. That's all I've been able to make it through. Just one and it was last semester.

I've tried so hard, believe me. I've tried calming myself down with music. Today I brought a smallfry bear to try and help me calm down too. Nothing. It's not that I mind. I'm sure it's helpful for my therapist. The tears seem to say more about how I feel about things than my words. If that makes sense. Yet, I just want one time where I can explain things calmly and without getting my emotions involved.

Like I said though, I'm sure it's better for me to show emotion. It probably helps my therapists better. If I didn't show emotion, they might be more concerned about my well-being. Still though.
I don't get why I get so emotional every time. Do I just get so worked up over everything that finally when I have someone there to listen to me, I just break down? I've admitted before that I've been nervous going. For what reasons, I'm not entirely sure. But could it be that I get so anxious and nervous that I just break down becuase of it? In other words do  I bring this all on myself?  Possibly.

I'll admit that I'm a bit of an emotional wreck right now. Just a lot of things going on both emotionally and mentally. As always therapy makes me think about things and I'm certainly doing that.

I'm also a bit frustrated right now because I thought I was going to get financial aid this semester but I'm not. I don't have enough hours to qualify. I'm supposed to have at least 5 hrs which is considered half-time for a grad student.   I'm taking 1 course which is 3 hrs plus Capstone. The Registrar only says I'm taking the 3 hrs. It doesn't count Capstone.  However, I was explained that Capstone would count by my department. They weren't sure on how many hrs it would count though. So I went and talked to Financial Aid. Turns out I would have to go to the Library Science department to get them to do something about Capstone counting. It seemed to be a complicated process in my opinion. Not only that, I'd have to get all this figured out before 5pm which is when payment is due. I pretty much just gave up and ended up paying for the whole thing. Luckily I had enough money to do it though. Still, it's pretty frustrating when I thought everything was already figured out.

Then I had a phone call from my mom while I was in therapy. Of course, I couldn't answer but I called her back afterwards.  I was still in an emotional state after my session. I wasn't exactly happy and was still trying to make sense of everything that was discussed.  She asked if I had gotten the financial aid thing sorted out which I said I had. Then she asked if I had gone to the Career Center. AGAIN! She's asked before.NO I HAVEN'T!! IT'S NOT IN THE SAME AREA AS MY THERAPY!! AND THERE'S NO WAY I'M WALKING ALL THE WAY ACROSS CAMPUS JUST TO GO TO IT WHEN I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO IN THE FIRST PLACE!!

Sorry about that but it's just really annoying right now. It's really not that far away across campus. But it is an extra trip that I'm just not anxious to make anytime soon.  Look, it's one of the things I'm dealing with. I understand that I'm about to graduate and will have to actually get a job. But that's just it. I'm not anxious about it. I'm not quite ready to do that. Truth be told, I'm not sure I really want to get a job. I do and I don't. It's complicated. I'm terrified. I really am. Graduation scares me this time. This is it for me. I'm going to be out in the real world and I just don't feel like I'm ready.

Because of this, I'm really not anxious to look for a job. I'm not motivated enough to do so. I don't really want to even though I know I should be diligently looking. I realize that my family is trying to help me and they want me to use the resources I'm given but they don't really understand what I'm going through. They think I can just get over it but they don't realize that there's more it. There a reason I'm so reluctant about doing it.  It's one of the things I'm trying to sort through in therapy right now. I'm sorry I got a bit angry at my mom over it but I'm just tired. I'm tired of hearing the same things. I know what I have to get done. I know this. It's the motivation to do it that I'm struggling with.  I'm tired of feeling pressured by them to get these things done which is what it feels like whenever they mention it.

They need to realize that I'm an adult and that I'll make my own decisions. Although, admittedly, I don't really want to feel like an adult yet. I don't really want to make those decisions. Again, it's complicated.

Today in my session, I brought up several of the things I've blogged about recently. Again, sometimes I wish I could just send a link to my therapist and have her read my blog posts because sometimes I feel like they explain so much more that I could ever do in person. Things would make more sense. Honestly though, I'm also a bit concerned about if I were to do that. I'm just concerned that things might be taken differently than I intended. That maybe I'd frighten my therapist and create cause for alarm or something. Like perhaps I'd be a more serious case. Still though, I'm sure if they could read this blog, it would give them so much insight.

 I brought up the "Cry baby" thing and the "Cinco de Mayo" memory.  Things that didn't seem like much separately but have more in common than I might have originally thought.

During our conversation, I also brought up how I've pretty much always felt like people didn't like me; that I've always felt different and a bit of an outsider.  I said that people just don't like me for some reason. Like they judged me when they didn't really know me. That they labeled me "Crybaby" for some reason.  I told her about the Recreation Center and about Girl Scouts.



I wasn't trying to make it sound like no one likes me but I feel like that's what it sounded like. I want to clarify. I know people like me. There are people that like me for who I am. I know this. My thing is that growing up, people left me out of things for unknown reasons. They made fun of me and just didn't seem to like me for some reason or other.

My therapist wants me to think of some reasons why perhaps people didn't like me. Or reasons, why I feel they didn't like me. Honestly, I wish I could think of things because I really don't know. Other than the whole "Crybaby" thing, I really don't know why.  I guess I just always figured that it had to do something with the fact that I did cry a lot that no one wanted to be friends with me.  (Now that I think about it, maybe I was sad simply because I didn't have many friends. Who knows?)

Then again, maybe it's for reasons I've explained before but will explain again. I was born to older parents for one. Being such, I just seemed to be a bit more mature than many of my classmates. Well in terms of thinking. I thought differently than they did. I guess you could say I was a bit more intelligent in my thinking.  As it was, my 1st and  last piano teacher(same teacher both times),  remember me using big words such as "confused" when I was first taking piano lessons in 3rd grade. To her using "confused" in the correct context at that age was usual. I mean, how many 3rd graders would use that word correctly?  Perhaps this is a reason people didn't like me.

Then again perhaps, I'm just different. My personality is just different from everyone. I have strong reason to believe and some pretty strong evidence to suggest that my personality type is INFJ. This is according the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Based on my own personal research, I believe this is the my personality type. Time and time again, I've researched information about INFJ's and time and time again, the information describes me quite accurately. I'm not trying to make it fit me either. The information fits of it's own accord. Even some of the common careers of INFJ's fit me. For instance: Teacher, Librarian, Musician, and in one instance: Dentist are all listed. I'm a Musician (Piano) already although not a professional one. My undergrad degree was Elementary Education; a teacher. I'm about to finish my Master's degree in Library Science to become a Librarian. Finally, for the longest time growing up, I wanted to be a Dentist. If that doesn't say something about my personality than I don't know what else does.

It's not just the careers either. There are some descriptions regarding INFJ's as people that is creepily accurate: "INFJs also have a talent for language and are usually quite good at expressing themselves on paper. ...In school, INFJs are usually high achievers and get good grades. They can be perfectionists at times and tend to put a great deal of effort into their academic work. INFJs enjoy learning, particularly about people, society, literature and art" (from About.com). 

How scary accurate is that little description?! Seriously?! This is totally me. I've been told I am good at expressing myself on paper by numerous people. I'm definately a high acheiver and have always gotten good grades. I've only ever had a few C's (and 1 D but it was in a weighted AP class so counted regular it was a C) in my entire schooling. The rest were A's and B's.  As for being a perfectionist, well, yeah I admit I tend to be.

 If this isn't my personality type, then I don't know what is.  As far as I know, I've never been formally tested for my personality type. At least not that I remember. How I discover my personality type was based on a simply 4 question test my friends reblogged on Tumblr. (One question for each of the characteristics). Now I know this simple test is probably not enough to determine that this is my personality but I did read the question descriptions carefully and selected the one I felt best fit me. Plus the extensive research I've done on my own has certainly seemed to confirm to me that this is my personality type. According to some of the descriptions I've read, INFJ is the rarest type and it's even rarer among females. According to one of the descriptions I read,  many INFJ's feel alianated in the world. They feel different from everyone else. I certainly feel that way a lot. It seems that no matter what I do, there's always a part of me that feels different; a part of me that never really "fits in".

So perhaps it's just simply because of my personality type that no one likes me. Perhaps they've just always sensed that something was different about me.

I honestly am starting to wonder if perhaps I do have a bit of Depression. Not to the extreme or anything but I do wonder if I do have a little bit of it. There are times when I just get really down and can't seem to get myself out of it. I feel so alone and like nothing is going right. Sometimes it just feels like no one is listening. It wouldn't surprise me if I did have a bit of depression. Especially since one of my family members does have it. So perhaps I do have it to a lesser extent. Sometimes it feels almost like I'm more like my family member than I realized.
 
I realize this post is getting to be really long but that's what happens when I've got a lot on my mind and need to get it all out.

Finally (for now), I've just been feeling so alone on the Internet. I have friends on the Internet (a few of them are also IRL friends) but it feels as though lately they've been so busy with their own lives that they don't get online much anymore. I understand this really I do. As it is, I've had times where I don't get online nearly as much as I used to.  I'm not blaming them either. They have lives outside of the Internet which is great. I'm glad they do.

Sometimes though, it just feels like no one is around when I need them. Which I know isn't true. I have some of their numbers and could either call or text them if I really wanted to. I know they are there for me if I need them. But lately, when I've felt so lonely and have gotten online, it feels like they aren't there for me. It feels like they aren't there for me when I need them. Almost like they don't care that I'm lonely. Again, I know this isn't true. It's just what goes through my head when I get this way (yet another reason I feel that I might actually have some Depression).  It's just sometimes, the Internet has never felt so lonely to me. If that makes any sense.  It's like there's all these people out in cyberspace, yet no one to talk to.

As for this post title, I just feel as though sometimes I really don't know who I am anymore. I don't even know how to respond when people ask me "how are you doing?".That if I answer "fine", I'm lying. Because I'm really not fine. I feel like I'm masking the truth. That I'm not fine at all. That things are just more complicated than I originally thought.  Not as fine as I thought. Sometimes it feels like I'm just smiling to hide all the pain that I'm really feeling.

I'm just wanting to find who I really am. To get that me back again all fixed up and feeling normal again. (Or as normal as I can be because let's face it, I'm just simply not normal).