Today was my first therapy session of the semester. Well I guess it was my first session. It's a bit confusing actually. They called it an intake appointment and it's with a new therapist. I still had paperwork to fill out. Basically the same paperwork I filled out the very first time I came to the clinic a year ago. But unlike the first time, the therapist didn't take notes down when we talked (unless she's just that good and doesn't need to write things down? That's possible) Also unlike the first time, it looks like I'm going to be seeing this same therapist from now on. I guess it's also because I've been there before that things are different this time. Then again, things still might end up changing and I may end up seeing someone else. I don't think so but who really knows.
So now that I've already bored everyone, let's move on to the main point of this post which is I'm apparently not doing as well as I thought I was.
Honestly prior to today's session, I wasn't entirely sure if I still needed therapy. I've been debating going back to the clinic since the end of May. Since my last session with my therapist then. I didn't come right out and ask her if I should come back. I guess I should have. But I didn't and I debated with the thought of coming back off and on during the summer.
I felt that things had certainly gotten better for me. I honestly felt that while things weren't exactly perfect, I felt I would be ok to continue on my own. I felt, in a way, that I'd be able to handle things again. I'm not going to lie. I still had some things that I felt I could discuss and work on but I didn't think they were that pressing.
Somewhere during the summer though, I decided it would be a good idea to go back to therapy. Mostly because I was starting to panic over graduating and having to get a job. Add to that the fact, that I have ongoing confidence issues and I guess I just thought going back might be best for me.
Even despite all that, knowing that it would be a good idea, that I still had some unresolved issues, I still wasn't entirely convinced that I really needed to go back to therapy. It's not that I was afraid to go back. It's not that I was ashamed or anything like that. I guess I just really thought I was doing ok.
Well as ok as I could be I mean.
Even up until today's session, I wasn't sure what we'd discuss. I wasn't sure if I really had anything that I needed to discuss. At least that's how I felt.
I was strangely nervous about going today. More nervous than I thought I would. For what reason, I have no idea. Still though, I didn't feel sad or anything. I felt fine. Really I did. I wouldn't exactly say I was cheerful but I was happy enough.
Then I got into the session and the therapist asked me "How are things going?" and I guess that was just it. I mean, I started off fine. I explained the main reason reason for me being back was because I still had some unresolved issues. That the main reasons I was there this time was because of fear of graduation and my lack of confidence.
Almost right away, I did get a bit emotional I'll admit but I felt like I was going to be alright. I don't know if it was simply because of nerves or what. However, it soon became apparent that it wasn't as simple for me not to get emotional. I tried so hard to not break down. But I eventually did.
I guess that's just proof right there that perhaps I'm not doing as fine as I tell myself or than I originally thought. I'm not really not fine.
I feel like I've been lying to myself, to my family, to everyone when they've asked me how I'm doing.
"I'm fine. I'm doing fine."
I feel like I've said it so much that I've actually starting believing it. I don't know when I started doing this. Why I can't just truly be fine. Why I can't just admit that I'm really not fine.
At the same time, I feel like I am fine. I mean things have certainly gotten better. Then again, maybe that's just another lie I'm telling myself. When in reality, I'm still just as lonely as ever. I still lack confidence. I'm still unhappy here. The fact that even after 2 years of living here, nothing has really changed in terms of my social life. That I'd rather not come back after break because I feel I really have no need to.
I'm not as fine as I thought. In a way, it feels as though I'm just masking my problems. Like I'm making them seem like they aren't a big deal. That I'm simply just dealing with them even though I'm not really dealing with them. That I'm just telling myself that everything is getting better.
I guess I've also just started to accept the fact that I'm just a complicated person. That maybe I've always been. That nothing is ever going to be fixed completely. Like maybe I've just come to accept that I've got problems. Maybe that's why I felt like I didn't really need to go back. Maybe I just thought and felt as though I'm just going to be the way I am. That maybe there's not much that can be done no matter how much I try.
Then again, everything is not as it seems. I guess my problems are just more extensive than I thought. That after thinking and reacting a certain way for so long, it's become part of me and is harder to changer. After all, they say old habits die hard.
So I guess what I should be saying is that I'm not doing ok. I haven't been doing ok for a long time. But I hope things will be someday.
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