The trouble with growing up

I've been struggling with the idea of growing up and I realize that I'm actually afraid to grow up. To fully be an adult. To take on the full responsibilities.

I don't want to be a full adult.  I'm not ready it seems to have a career and start supporting myself. I'm not ready for that responsibility. I don't feel like I'm ready.

That's what I think is keeping me from even looking for a job. The lack of motivation I have. Because I simply am not ready to take on that responsibility just yet.

Part of me feels like I'd rather stay young and innocent for a little while longer. Yet there is also part of me that knows I can't. That I have to grow up sometime.

Part of me feels ready to grow up too though. Part of me wants my parent's to realize that I'm an adult and let me live that way.

For instance, they keep pressuring me about finding a job. I realize I need to start doing this but I really wish they'd let me just take care of it in my own time. I'm working on it but they don't understand this.

It's a conflict I've had for awhile. Wanting to be an adult but at the same, not quite wanting to give up being a child. It's complicated. *I realize that I say that a lot. But that's the way things are.*

This was something else that was brought up in my therapy session. I mentioned how I feel like my thinking is a bit more mature than most people my age but yet I'm not quite ready to be an adult at the same time. It's confusing and I really don't know how to explain it.

Sometimes I want to go back to the carefree innocence of childhood. When things weren't nearly as complicated as they are now.  Sometimes I'd much rather have my parents take care of me as if I was still little.

And yet, I realize that I'm an adult and that I have to be more responsible about things and I want that as well. For the most part, I enjoy being an adult. Making my own decisions and such.

It's not like I have to grow up entirely either. I can still be a kid at heart and I know I always will be. That's part of what makes me unique. That's why I'm wanting to be a children's librarian. Because I'll never completely grow up. If I want to be good at my job, I have to have some "child-like" quality.

I'm not giving up my love for stuffed animals, Harry Potter, Mickey Mouse, Lisa Frank, coloring, Disney, Lucky Charms, etc. to become a boring adult.

The way I look at it, Youth Service Librarians are just like big kids. We like having fun too!

I don't have to give up everything I enjoy about being a child just to become an adult. I realize this. Yet still the idea of growing up scares me. I just don't feel ready.