2012 Overview

As the hours countdown to the New Year, I just wanted to take some time and give an overview of some of the  major events that took place for me during 2012:

First of all in May 2012,  my mom came down and spent some time with me in Denton. We went to the Arts & Jazz Festival.  We also went to the Cinco de Mayo celebration where I helped out at the library's booth for a little while.

But the main thing is that it was on Cinco de Mayo that I came down with appendicitis. Later that afternoon I started having pain in my right side but I thought it was my stomach.  The pain got increasing worse as the evening wore on and it got to the point that I just couldn't take it anymore. It was at this point that my mom took me into the ER where we eventually learned that I did have appendicitis and had surgery the next day; May 6th.

It was few days after my surgery, that we packed up and drove down to La Porte, TX to spend a few days with my aunt (my dad's sister) and uncle.  After that we drove to Richmond, TX for a First Communion for one of my second cousins.  Following this event, we drove down to Corpus Christi, TX and spent a few days visiting my Uncle (my mom's brother) and his family. Finally, we drove over to San Antonio, TX where we spent a few days visiting my great aunt (my mom's side) and then spent the rest of the time with some family friends of ours.

A few days after we returned home, I headed out to Phoenix, AZ to attend my 2nd Phoenix ComiCon which was so awesome despite the fact that I was still recovering.  After which, I brought my nephew back to NM to spend the summer.

About a month after my appendix surgery, I had another surgery. This time it was planned. I had eye muscle surgery on June 5. So I was back recovering for awhile before we actually did anything "fun".

After I had recovered, during the month of July, we took some short trips around the state. We drove up to Roswell,NM to visit the Alien museum. We took a trip to Carlsbad to visit the Caverns. My nephew and I went to Bob-O's Family Fun Center in El Paso,TX and had a blast go-karting, playing mini golf, bumper boats, and laser tag. We finished off our fun by going to Wet N' Wild water park for a day.

We took my nephew back to Arizona and spent a few days with my brother and sister-in-law. Then in August, I went back to Denton to finish up my last semester.

Not much worth noting here other then my EOP's or End-of-Program exams. Other than that, I just helped out at the library and that's really it. I didn't do anything too exciting.

During the first part of October, my parents came down to visit the Texas State Fair. We took the A-train into Carrollton and then took the Green Line DART rail all the way to the fair.We had a great time.

At the end of October, I received the results of my EOP's and I passed! That meant that I was officially graduating.

Then earlier this month, on the 14th, I graduated with my Master's degree in Library Science with a concentration in Youth Librarianship.

Now I'm home in NM spending the holidays with my family. All of us were here for Christmas where I got my very own game system!! I got a Wii system from my brother and family. It was not only a Christmas present but also a Graduation present.

2013 approaches and I'm spending the last night counting down the hours with my nephew while my parents attend a party at our church here.  My nephew and I plan to spend much of the night playing various video games and then ringing in the new year by popping off confetti poppers.

My 2012 was certainly interesting. It was certainly rough for me emotionally; particularly the last semester.

Right now, I'm hoping 2013 will turn out better for me and that I'll figure things out. I'm hoping that by the end of the year, I'll have a job somewhere.

Here's to 2013! Happy New Year everyone! 

Afraid

In which I talk about a lot of things and you thought things were random before...

I'm afraid.
That's really it.
I'm afraid.
Sometimes I'm not even sure exactly what I'm afraid of.
I guess I'm afraid of a lot of things and that's what's causing my anxiety and uncertainty.
I'm afraid of not being good enough in my job.
I'm afraid of not finding the right job.
I'm afraid that I'm not prepared enough; not ready.
I'm afraid that I'm making a mistake going into this career choice.
What if this isn't really what I'm supposed to be doing in life?
What if I just settled for something instead of really going for what I enjoy?
Is this really what I want to be doing?
I feel like I'll be happy with it but at the same time I'm not sure.
I don't know if I've made the right decision.
Sometimes I feel like I'll never be good enough.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll be able to do this.
I know I'll make mistakes.
I know I'm not perfect.
Yet it still scares me.
I'm afraid of failing.
Of letting people down.
I'm afraid of not being happy with what I've decided to do.
I'm afraid of realizing that it's not what I want to do and regretting my decision.
I'm just afraid.

I don't really know what I want anymore. I don't know what I'm so worried about exactly. I don't think I really even know.  Every time I try to figure it out, it doesn't make a lot of sense and I just get more anxious and depressed.

I've mentioned here already that I've been dealing with a lot of uncertainty lately. It hasn't gotten any better in the 2 weeks since my therapy sessions ended. In fact, it's almost as though things have gotten worse.

The uncertainty has increased. The same basic fears I was dealing with in therapy this semester have returned a bit. I'm feeling more anxiety; more depressed lately. I haven't been happy lately. I have moments where I just suddenly break down in tears for no apparent reason. I don't really understand what's going on with me. I'm starting to feel like perhaps there's something really wrong with me. I don't know what's going on in my mind. Nothing seems to make much sense anymore.

It's gotten to the point that I feel like I can't really talk to anyone in my family anymore. I'm finding it harder and harder to talk to them. I feel like being silent. I don't feel like talking. It's not that I don't trust them. It's more like I feel like I can't explain what's going on because I don't really understand it myself. I also don't feel as though they just don't understand. They wouldn't understand. To them, I don't think it would make sense. They wouldn't understand the depth of my problems.  Then there are things that I just simply can't tell them. I just can't. I'd like to but just can't for some reason.

Adding to my anxiety and uncertainty is the fact that I don't really want to move back home but at the same time I know I financially can't stay in Denton anymore.

 The idea of having to find a job in the meantime while looking for a full time job also frightens me. It's not so much that I don't want to find one it's just that I don't exactly know where to look. I've mentioned that I'm a bit picky when it comes to jobs. I realize this is probably makes things even more difficult. But I just am picky. There's just certain jobs that I'm not interested in doing. Yet people can't understand that and really neither can I.  Most people would be willing to take a job just so they can make money to pay for things. I'm a bit more selective for some reason. I don't even know why. Perhaps it's partly because of my personality? I don't even know.

I don't want to work in a fast food restaurant or even a restaurant. Why? I don't know. So then where does that leave me? Not many other options. I honestly don't even know where I'd want to work. Even if it's just temporary. I have very few ideas.

It's been brought up several times that I should consider substituting in Elementary schools. I honestly just don't want to. I feel very strongly about this. I don't want to at all. In fact, to be honest, I'd rather forget that part of my educational career. Why? Because it makes me feel as though it was a waste of my time. It wasn't what I wanted but by the time I realized it, it was far too late.

Student teaching just really turned me off of ever being a teacher. I  strongly believe this. I honestly feel that it was partly because of my experience. I just didn't have the greatest experience. I feel like it was the school that I chose. From the beginning, when I told classmates where my student teaching would be, I'd get a less than enthusiastic response. I was told the students were rough being in a rural distract. It just didn't make me feel very positive going into the experience. With all the difficulties I had and the fact that I actually had a bit of a breakdown during the experience while teaching, it just made me realize how big of a mistake I was making. Perhaps if I had chosen a different school somewhere else, then maybe I would've had a better experience.

Then again, I remember going into the Elementary Education program, never really wanting to be a teacher. At least not in the classroom. I went into the program with the end result of wanting to be a school librarian. At least that was my plan. In order to get into the grad program at OSU, I had to go into Education of some type. Either Early Childhood or Elementary Education were my options. I went with Elementary Education because I enjoyed working more with that age range of children.

I remember my first couple of Elementary Education classes. How when I told everyone my plans, they would look at me a bit strangely. They didn't see the connection between me being a school librarian and taking Elementary Education classes to become a teacher.  At least not at first. But as my degreemates and I continued through our classes, they eventually came to understand. Somewhat. They knew by the end of our program that I was never intending to be a teacher but instead a school librarian.

I'm still not entirely sure why I thought school librarian or why I went into Elementary Education. I'm still not sure exactly what I was thinking. I never really wanted to be a teacher and that much I knew. I don't know really. I guess part of me figured I'd learn to love it. I guess part of me thought I'd come to love teaching. But I was wrong.I should have backed out. I should have switched majors. But I didn't. I should have backed out after my first field experience. That didn't go very well. My first experience I got stuck with 1st grade. My field experience as part of my literature class, I got stuck with Kindergarten. Both experiences weren't the greatest. I had already known I didn't really want to work with the youngest grades but I got stuck with two experiences in them. Neither of them went that well. They weren't horrible exactly but I just remember feeling a bit out of my element. I was so uncomfortable. Again, why didn't I back out when I had the chance?

None of my experiences were all that great and really I guess that's really why I don't want to teach even if it is just to substitute. I'm frankly terrified of being in a classroom again. Too many bad experiences. I can't handle the discipline. I'm guess I'm afraid of being haunted by all my bad experiences during my Elementary Education classes. I'm afraid of not being able to handle the children even if just for a day. Plus I guess I'm also a bit afraid of the whole substitute thing. I mean, I remember having substitutes. Some were nice and others not so much. But I also remember that sometimes we weren't always nice to them either. I guess I'm concerned about that. I'm afraid of the children picking up on my lack of confidence and taking advantage of me.

I really don't have a lot of options as far as temporary jobs are concerned. I'm not even sure what to look for as far as temporary jobs and I'm supposed to come up with a list of at least 5 possibilities. 5 possibilities here in my small hometown that doesn't have a lot of choices.

I don't even know what I want to look for in a job. All I know is what I don't want. I don't want restaurants or fast food and I don't want to substitute.I also don't want to work at Walmart which is really one of the only other options here. So what else is there? Not much here in my hometown.

Well, there are some things I've considered. I've thought about perhaps working in a bookstore of some type. I mean, I love books enough. It might be kinda fun to work in a bookstore of some type. Plus it wouldn't be much different than working in a library. Well, not exactly I feel.

I've considered working in a movie theater or perhaps even a coffee shop. As far as jobs besides working as a children's librarian, I think working in a hands-on science museum or children's museum might be fun.

But other than that, I really don't know what I should do; where I should focus.  I've only ever worked in libraries before. I don't really know anything else. I don't know exactly what I'd be suited for.

As it is, I'm a bit afraid of people. I realize this is probably strange coming from someone whose job is going to be working with the public.  I'm a shy sort of person. I need more experience working with the public but honestly the thought frightens me. 

Right now I'm focusing on youth services librarian jobs but if I don't find get a job like that, I'll have to change focus which also frightens me.

I realize the point is that I need to get my foot in the door somehow and at some sort of library. Once I do that I can move up if possible but even knowing that it still  makes me nervous.  I've been asked by family members on other possible library jobs I could focus on but so far, I haven't had many answers.

I have taken other courses throughout my Master's program but I don't feel strongly enough about the skills I supposedly learn to take a job in those areas. For instance, I know how to build databases from scratch basically but I don't exactly want to take a job position like that.  I also took a course on Cataloging and another in Academic Libraries. I even took a School Library course. However, I don't feel like I'm comfortable enough in those areas to focus on job positions in those areas.

I guess I could go for a librarian at a public library; one that works with adult services but for some reason even that doesn't comfort me exactly. I feel like I was trained well in one area and one area only and that was youth services. That was my focus. That's where I feel I have the most knowledge and feel the most comfortable with.

But I realize I might not find a Youth Services Librarian position right away which means I have to try elsewhere in a library. Another job position that while not exactly what I want will at least get me experience. Get me into a library. 

But what types of positions do I focus on and how do I overcome the fear that I seem to have of not being qualified enough? How do I get past the disappointment over it not being my ideal job position? How do I learn to be ok with it?

I guess the whole thing is that I want to enjoy what I'm doing in life. I want to be happy with what I'm doing and if I can't be happy, I don't really see the point of it.

The whole thing is that I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of a lot of things. Some things even I'm not sure what I'm afraid of exactly.

I'm afraid and I'm lost. I don't know when exactly I became so afraid.
I've never exactly been a very confident person to begin with but now I don't feel very confident at all.  I'm more afraid. I'm more anxious.  I'm afraid of what's next. I'm afraid of moving on. I'm afraid to become a working adult even though this is what I've worked fro for so long. I'm afraid that maybe I'm making a mistake; that maybe this isn't really what I'll be happy doing.

I'm just so afraid and I don't know how to get past it.

Pressure

That's the best word to sum up about what seems to be half of my problems lately.

Just way too much pressure on me right now. People putting too much pressure on me and really I guess me putting a bit of pressure on myself.

I don't get it though. I'm no longer have school or classes to worry about.  Graduation is over. I shouldn't be feeling this way. I shouldn't feel all this pressure. Then again, maybe I should.

It's two days until Christmas and I'm home with my entire family. Nothing should be bothering me. I should be feeling happy and festive but I don't exactly. I feel a bit like this song "Where are you Christmas"? by Faith Hill currently applies. I don't exactly feel as Christmasy as I usually would. Still though, I should be fine. I should be happy and relaxed.

Yet for some reason, I'm still having feelings of anxiety. I'm still occasionally feeling like I'm on the verge of breaking down in tears over nothing.

Basically I'm experiencing some of the same fears I was back in Denton. I'm once again, dealing with some of the same fears I was confronting back in therapy. Of course being that I've been going on 2 weeks without therapy, I guess that would make sense.

I just mean that without having someone to talk about such issues with on a weekly basis will be difficult for the time being until I manage to find another therapist.

I know I need to and I want to. My therapist told me I should continue. My friend from Denton, when I talked to her last week, told me that I should continue.  Even when I had a bit of a breakdown last night, my sister-in-law asked if I'd talked to someone about my feelings of anxiety.

Basically, people can tell I need to continue with therapy/counseling. They seem to realize that it's something that I really need right now.

But I don't know right now. I know I NEED to continue. That's really not the problem. The problem is that right now is just so uncertain (which is also part of my problems) with what's going to happen in the near future.With me not sure where I will eventually end up in terms of a job. I'm not sure how soon I'll even be able to find a job. 

I don't really know if it'll even be worth it finding a therapist right now or waiting until I eventually get settled somewhere. I technically don't have one anymore. I mean, unless I somehow end up be able to stay in Denton for a little while longer but even that is uncertain how long I'd stay there.

I had one here that I saw for a few sessions back in January before I went back to Denton. However, I'm not sure if I really liked her. She was helpful but comparing her to the therapists I've had back in Denton, I didn't like her nearly as much. I don't really feel like I'd want to go back to here. Which means, I don't have much other options here in a small town. Really there's not a lot of option back here in my hometown. Not for any good therapists.

There's also the issue of having to start over not just once but twice. If I did find someone here, I'd have to explain everything again and then I may not be here long enough before moving and having to start over yet again. I just don't know if I'd be able to handle that. I don't want to have to do that. Which is why I'm thinking I'd rather wait for now. Just for some time.

I know it's not the best thing and that I really should be actively seeking for someone. Especially with everything going on lately and with how I've been feeling. However, at least for now this seems like the best option. Especially considering all my files from the clinics that would need to be sent. This would just be one more that I'd have to add to my list.

Ok, so I've spent most of blog post talking about things I've already talked about before. Things that really are only parts of what I really wanted to discuss and not actually what I wanted to discuss.

Ever since I got home, people have been congratulating me on my Master's degree and asking me if I've found a job yet. I am proud of what I've accomplished. I am. But at the same time all these people being proud of me, makes me feel a bit pressured. Like they expect me to do great things with my Master's degree.

Then there's the fact that all these people are talking to me about jobs. I'm tired of hearing about this. Hearing about how I should be keeping my options open more. How I should consider possibly putting my Elementary Education degree to use. Teaching in a school in the meantime while looking at library positions. That I shouldn't focus so much on a public library and youth services.  That I'm basically limiting my possible job options.

It's all just too much for me. Too much for me to handle. Too much pressure!
I'm tired of people congratulating me because it feels as though they expect me to do great things with my new degree. I'm glad they are proud of me and everything but now it feels that I have expectations to live up to.

Which is one reason I'm not intending on applying for the Reference Librarian position that is available here at my hometown public library.  First of all, I don't really want the position in the first place. Second, I've already worked for the city once before and it's not exactly ideal. Not here at least.  But mainly, I don't want to apply for a postion in a place where I'm already known by the staff.

Sure that might seem like a good thing but I don't see it as being very positive. I see it being more of a detriment.   Sure I might have a good shot of landing the position should I apply but it would be adding pressure to me. I worked there once before. The staff know me and many know my work ethic. I was a hard worker but I admit I make some mistakes and some were pretty major. I also wasn't the best worker or at least I wouldn't claim that. I slacked off at times.  I'd be going in with high expectations from people already and having to try and live up to that would just be too much for me to handle.

I'd feel like I'd have to be "perfect" and be afraid to fail. Even though I would be new at this type of position and they'd know I wouldn't be perfect. I'd be afraid to let them down. Just because they knew me already, I'd feel like the expectations would be different.

I'd rather start fresh somewhere. Where hardly anyone knew me or my work ethic. Not that I'm a bad worker or anything. Still though, I just feel like it would be easier to start somewhere where I wasn't already known for that long. 

If any of that makes sense.

It's just the pressure that's been getting to me lately. That and my fear of not being able to find the right job and essentially "growing up".  Not to mention my "perfectionist" nature. There's just a lot going on with me. A lot of fears and anxiety for me to handle. Yet somehow, I'm trying to handle it.

I know everything will work out in the end. I still don't see how though but I have to trust that it will.

Still though, I wish I didn't have all this pressure to deal with. 

"My Secrets"

After reading the Post Secret book My Secret, I feel as though I want a place to write down all the secrets from the book that I feel I can relate to. That are essentially also my secrets.

So that's what this blog post is for. I'm going to write down the secrets in the order they appear in the book. I will also include my own comments in italicized.

"I hate this town but I'm so afraid to leave" Pretty much how I feel a bit about Denton. I hate it mostly because I'm alone there. But I'm afraid to leave because it means having to start over again in a new place. Although I don't really hate it in Denton so much any more. At least  not since I've finally found a friend there. Still though, 2 1/2 years of trying with almost nothing to show for it was extremely frustrating.

" I wish guys loved me like they love my friends" Sometimes I feel as though guys will never like me. I don't see myself as being all that attractive like some of my friends. I've never even been in a relationship. Sometimes I doubt I'll ever find a guy who loves me like they love my friends.

"9, 898 students and I've never felt more alone"Accurate. College made me feel more alone than ever. Particularly grad school being that I was in an online program. So many students and I felt so lost in the crowd.

"Sometimes I wish I didn't believe...so I could stop feeling like I am just disappointing him." I've felt like I've lost some of my faith recently. I feel like I've become a bit of a disappointment because I've stopped putting my trust in him.

"I feel out of place in a group of friends." I've just always felt a bit different. Even when I've been with a group of my closest friends, I've felt out of place. Like I just don't "fit in". I've never really felt like I "fit in".

"I forgot to plan what happens next" I just graduated recently with my Master's degree and I feel like I have no plan. I don't know what happens next. There's so much uncertainty that I just feel so lost. Like I don't know what to do.

"I've been reaching out for help for over a year. But no one pays enough attention to even notice. What's the next step?" This has felt more accurate recently in terms of the Internet and some of the social media sites I visit. I feel like I've been reaching out so much in the past year but no one seems to care. It's almost like no one realizes how much I'm struggling or that they just don't seem to care enough to try and help me. I just feel like I'm alone on the Internet.

"I don't feel entirely alone when I through the postcards on your website, or rather I still feel alone, but I feel like there are more people alone with me.-New York"
This confession makes me feel so much better. Makes me realize that even though I may feel like I'm alone, I never really am. Other people are struggling with some of same things as I am. If they can make it through, so can I. 

"I want  to talk to somebody because they care not because it's their job" I don't feel this way too often though. Just on occasion and lately not at all.   I feel as though I have found someone who genuinely cares about me. I

"When I write in my journal, I feel like I'm writing a novel about a stranger; "one girls demise to insanity" Sometimes I don't know who this is that I'm writing about. I don't seem to recognize myself anymore. I feel almost like I don't really know who I am anymore with everything going on.


"Barely here" Sometimes I feel as though I'm barely here. Barely surviving. 

"If you feel like you are going insane, and you are trapped in a dysfunctional environment, You Are Not Crazy" Again this applies a lot recently. I feel like with everything going on in my life, that I am going crazy. This is just reassuring to me to read this. 

"Sometimes I wish I was better at faking it"  Not sure what exactly this secret is referring to but for me I wish I was better at faking my emotions recently. I wish I could fake "happiness" to my family members only so that they wouldn't know just how much I'm struggling. So that they weren't so concerned for me. I just don't want them to know how much emotional pain I'm really in sometimes. 
Sometimes I feel as though they are more concerned for me than really needs to be. 

I am afraid that the only thing I like to do , won't take me anywhere. I hope I am wrong" Pretty much this. This happened time and time again when I was trying to decide what I wanted to focus on in college. I'm still not even sure I made the right decision. 

"Sometimes I miss God". Again I feel like I've lost a bit of my faith recently and sometimes I miss it. I miss my relationship with God, how it used to be. 

"I will always be the weird quiet girl"  And I'm learning to be ok with this. I'm starting to accept this is just part of who I am. I'm weird and yes, I'm a bit quiet. It's who I am. 

"I desperately want someone to recognize one of my secrets so I can finally stop pretending" Self explanatory I feel. Don't we all wish this sometimes? It would be so much easier if someone could recognize one of my secrets without me having to come out and tell them myself. 

"What you did will not define me! I broke free!" This one is somewhat true for me. Or at least I'm working on it being true. For those who have been following this blog will know that there was an Incident involving a neighbor of mine. I desperately am working on making this secret true. Sometimes I feel this secret is true and other times I still struggle with my guilt over what happened. It's getting better though.  

"I don't remember when jumping on the bed stopped being fun...but I dream of returning to such carefree days..." This secret made me think of being a child again and the innocence of being a child. I wish I could return to such carefree days. Days where I didn't have to deal with all of these struggles. To be young and innocent again. To not have to worry about being an adult. If only I could go back to such innocence. 

"I don't believe that "perfect families" exist...They all fuck you up" Again, I'm not one for writing profanity but this is exactly the secret and I'd prefer to write it exactly as written. Plus I'm actually getting better at how I feel about writing profanity. Still not comfortable but getting better. I'm never going to be one that uses it all the time.  Anyways, no family is perfect. Even my family is messed up. My parents raised me the best they knew how and I wouldn't exactly say I blame them for my problems but it's hard not to. It's hard not to admit that they did mess up. That they had an impact on why things are the way they are now. Why I'm struggling with some problems. 

"I'm terrified of growing up." And this is one of my problems recently. I don't want to grow up. It's scares me to become a full on adult. That's one of the reasons graduation frightened me. Because now I actually have to grow up and I don't feel ready to do so yet. I don't want to be a grown up. 

"I just want to be a good person" Doesn't a lot of people want this at some point in their lives? I know I'm a good person and I try hard to be a good person even if it's not always easy.



"Surprise! Adolescence is not an exciting adventure. It's actually very boring and lonelier than you could ever imagine."   So accurate. I struggled so much with friendships especially as an adolescent. It was so horrible. 

 
"I haven't told you everything" And I may never tell you everything. This secret is so true in regards to my parents especially. They don't know everything and I doubt they ever will know everything. 

"Let me tread my own path. Don't worry I will be fine. " Applies lately in regards to me figuring out what to do next in my life. Trying to apply for jobs and such. My  family is putting so much pressure on me that I don't know what I want to do. If they would just back off and let me figure things out on my own, I'd be alright. Things will work out. I'll figure things out on my own. I know they are only trying to help. 

"I miss you, I love you, but I don't know who you are, YET" You're out there somewhere and I'll find you. 

"I'm afraid that deep down, I am truly unworthy of another person's love" For me this applies to a future boyfriend/husband. I feel as though I'm not attractive enough for anyone to love me. I often wonder why anyone would find me attractive. Sometimes I don't even feel as though I'm not attractive enough. 

"I'm scared to tell you that I'm scared. Are you scared too?" Self-explanatory. Sometimes it's hard to admit that I'm scared about something. But it's also comforting to know someone else is scared too.

" I know I have a secret inside me, but I don't know what it is" I don't always know what my secrets are either until someone else writes them down. 

"When I was a kid, I thought I was special, Now I'm not so sure" Same. I used to feel special for my talents and for being smart. But then I would see someone else who was "better" and not feel as special. I still feel that way sometimes. Sometimes I feel as though no one is really special. I don't really feel all that special. 

 "I finally know who I am" or at least I'm trying to know who I am. For me, this is a partially true secret. I think I'm starting to figure out who I am and have mostly found who I am.  It's not always easy. Someday I hope this secret really will be true for me. 


So there you are. Secrets other strangers admitted that were also some of my secrets. Strangers that share some of the same fears and secrets as me. Secrets that show that we aren't so alone after all.

Here's the situation

Graduation is over and while I'm not exactly breaking down as much, I still feel pretty fragile in terms of my emotions. I still feel as though I could break down at almost any moment.

I'm so uncertain with my future at the moment. That uncertainty from my last therapy session is still running extremely high.

I've been doing a lot of thinking since Friday night. Trying to figure out what's next in my life.

Where do I go from here? What do I do now?

The thing is that I really don't know.

The only thing I really know is that I'm applying for jobs. I'm not exactly motivated to do so but I have to.

The thing is that the more pressure to apply for jobs that is being put on me, the less motivated I become to actually do so.

At this point, I've only applied for a couple of positions and haven't heard anything back yet.

I'm almost overwhelmed with how many jobs I need to apply for and I think that's contributing somewhat to my lack of motivation.

In the meantime, however, I'm trying to figure out what to do next.

I'm home for the holidays and I'm supposed to be deciding what to do next.

This is the situation: Financially it's not possible for me to continue living in Denton. I'm not working and my parent's cannot continue to support me financially.

So right now, unless I hear something from any job positions I've applied for, after the holidays I'll be returning to Denton and moving my stuff into storage. Then I'll return home and live here while I continue searching for a job.

It's better for me to save money by living at home. However,  I really don't want to do this and since I'm not sure I'll hear anything back before I have to head back, I'm trying to figure out what else to do.

I can stay in Denton as long as I find a job to help pay for expenses in the meantime meaning food and rent. 

However, what job do I look for to help me when I go back?

Again, this is all speculative at the moment. If I don't hear anything back by the end of January.

Still though I have no idea where to look. I'm so lost and confused on where to go; what to do next.

I could think of very few possibilities for job positions.

First of all, I could try and find something on the UNT campus. However, because I'm no longer a student, I'm not sure what type of position I'd be able to find.

I have also considered the possibility of perhaps working at Barnes & Noble but they most likely won't have any positions available by the time I head back.

There's a third option that I COULD do but really really don't want to do and that's Substitute Teaching. I realize it would be something and that it would bring in money.  However, I really really don't want to do this.

So where does that leave me then?

The public library doesn't have any positions available and that's really the only other place I'd be interested in working.

 I guess the thing is that finding temporary employment wouldn't be so difficult if I wasn't so picky. I don't want to work in a grocery or in fast food or restaurants which doesn't allow much other options. I'm not sure why exactly but I just don't. I've never really wanted such type of positions.

Because of that I don't have a clue what other types of positions that I could be interested in; what else I'd want to do.

I'm just so confused of what to do.  I don't exactly want someone to decide for me but at the same time, I need some ideas. Some suggestions of what I should do.

The other thing is that with everything so up in the air right now, I'm not even sure I would have to look for something upon my return to Denton. There's that possibility that I may have landed a job by then and won't have to find something else.

But there's still that chance and that's what concerns me. The uncertainty scares me so much.

I feel like I don't have much time left. I only have until the end of January and that's not a lot of time for things to happen.

I realize that I still have time but it'll go quickly.

I just need something. Some sort of sign.

Guilt and Uncertainty

Today was my last session at the Psychology Clinic here at UNT. My last session at any clinic for awhile.

Guilt and uncertainty are the words to best summarize today’s final session.

Guilt over the fact that I really wish I could have another semester to work with my therapist. I feel like we were making great progress together. We've worked on so much together and I feel as though we were starting to get more into things but now I'm leaving.

I feel so guilty leaving her and I know she wishes we had more time together. It's such a shame we only had this semester together. I know there are things she could help me with; we could continue progressing with.

I feel guilty over the fact that we were making such progress. I feel guilty over the fact that we've only been together for a semester especially when I was already at the clinic for a year already prior to meeting her.

We discussed a lot.; finished up things. Talked a little bit about therapy in general and how things very from session to session and how it takes awhile for things to improve. Things that I worked on the previous semesters might not apply so much this semester. Basically, I guess she was trying to point out that just because I dealt with things already in therapy, that doesn't mean things were essentially "done"; that I was essentially "done" dealing with them.I told her about the quote and how I felt it applied a lot to my current situation and she agreed. 

We talked about this semester and if I felt I made progress. I told her I have. Things have certainly gotten better. Things will continue to improve though. I hope so.

I just really wish I could stay with her for another semester. I know given the chance both of us would take advantage of it. I can almost guarantee that she and I both would benefit immensely from me being able to stay.  She could continue working with me and possibly we'd be able to essentially "fix me"; resolve all my problems.

I feel that given another semester at the Psychology Clinic here, I'd be able to get better. Get back to a good place in my life with her help. Who knows, perhaps if I stayed here, there would be a chance that by the end of the semester, I'd no longer need therapy for awhile.

I can dream can't I? But unfortunately, that's not likely to happen. Not unless some miracle happens and I end up somehow finding a job here in Denton for the semester while I'm at the same time working on finding a full-time job.

Still though, I do plan on continuing therapy. Somewhere. Somehow. I need to.

That much my therapist emphasized. She really wants me to find someone to continue my progress. She doesn't want me losing everything I've worked so hard to improve.

Uncertainty summarizes everything else discussed in therapy. My therapist picked up on that fact almost immediately. She could just sense how uncertain I felt; the most I’ve felt all semester.

It's horrible feeling this way but that's how it is. I'm so uncertain about everything. I don't know what to do anymore.

Everything is ending and it's almost overwhelming me. Therapy is ending, my life as I know it is essentially ending, I'll be moving, and then there's graduation. Just a lot going on at once.

I'm afraid. Afraid of leaving therapy. Afraid of what's to come.

We've made so much progress that it's hard for me to essentially start again. I've started over so many times but for what is perhaps the first time, I don't want to start over. I'd much rather not start over. I'm at a point where I feel that given one more semester, we could resolve a lot of my problems.

That would mean that I would have been at the Clinic for 2 years by that point and 2 years of continuous therapy would probably be enough for me to get back on track.

That's why I'm actually a bit leary about even finding someone when I go back home. Starting over with someone again there and the having to start over AGAIN when I eventually end up somewhere. Depending on how long it takes, it may or may not be worth it. Especially being that I'd have to have all my records sent from place to place.

I just have a lot of things on my mind; a lot of decisions to make and don't really know what to chose. Which was one of the other things my therapist pointed out to me. She felt as though I was pulling her into making a decision for me which she can't do and I know she can't but I guess I still kinda want her to. I need some guidance on how I can make such decisions myself.

I have a lot of things to think about in the upcoming days and weeks. Things that won't be easy but I have to do them regardless.

There's also a slight fear I have regarding the fact that I feel like I'm slowly on a decline. Like I'm slowly getting closer and closer to a nervous breakdown.  I really think it's a possibility and it does worry me a bit.

I mean, I feel like I've made progress but at the same time I feel like I'm slowly going backwards if that makes sense. It's almost like I am starting to develop depression or anxiety. Like the supposed "borderline" is slowly becoming less so and more like a full on depression. Still though, I haven't been officially diagnosed yet.

The thing is that today my therapist asked me if I felt less interested in things. I didn't exactly give her an answer now that I think about it. I mean, I don't feel like I've lost a lot of interest in things. Not exactly I mean.

But now that I think about it, I wasn't being entirely truthful either. I have lost some interest in things. Not on purpose but more like I just have a lot on my mind lately and haven't really thought about them.

I've kinda lost interest in singing and playing my piano. In a lesser sense, I've lost some interest in the Internet and particularly social media sites. Mostly though, that's because no one really talks to me much anymore online so I don't see the point.

I still have things I enjoy and really I wouldn't say that I've lost interest entirely but perhaps the interest has dwindled somewhat.

There's also the fact that I basically admitted to her that I haven't felt really happy in some time.  I mean I just feel ok. Not sad exactly but not happy exactly.

I'm not trying to self-diagnose but perhaps I do have a bit of depression. Maybe it's escalated that far by now?

I don't know. What's going to happen now? I really don't know. That's perhaps the scariest part of all.

Part of me wishes I could stay here just to find out. It seems like at least here I have a chance at finding an answer.

The ending of a journey

Graduation is on Friday. It still terrifies me thinking about it. I still break down in tears because of how scared I am over it.

I think I'm starting to understand my fear somewhat though.

This is the end of an educational journey for me. The first time I won't be going back to school for some time.

I've been going to college continuous for 6.5 years. No breaks in between. No time off. No sitting out for a semester or even a year. (I'm talking actual breaks between semesters; not the breaks during summer.)

That's not even counting the 13 years of regular schooling (K-12th).  I have not once taken a break between my degrees.

Even when I failed to get into the Master's program at Oklahoma State, I didn't take a break or want to take a break to figure out what to do next. I found a program that I could apply for and get into for Fall 2010 so I did.

I didn't want to wait. I wanted to continue right away.

I guess I was afraid that if I took time off, I wouldn't want to go back. I was afraid, I'd get too comfortable being out of school that by the time I went back,  I wouldn't be as motivated.

My motivation was there already. I wanted to continue. I didn't want to stop. Even though it might have been helpful to me somewhat. Especially considering the chaos that happened.

But now, this is it for me for awhile. Sure I might go back to college at some point. Sure I want to go back to at least get my minors. But that won't be for a while. That won't be until I've been working in my career for some time.

Schooling and studying is all I've ever know at this point. Sure I've worked too but nothing like this. Nothing like what awaits me in the near future.

I've never had an actual career before.  This is going to be so much different and it scares me.

Everything I've worked for, stressed over, studied for, has all come down to this.

It's scary for me. Downright scary.

I know I should be proud. I should be happy and I am deep down. I know I am.

However, for me, I'm more terrified than any of this. It's hard for me to feel anything else but terrified.

Having to change from "college mode" to "career mode" is scary to me. It terrifies me.

It's something that now I'm going to have to do.  My educational journey is ending. Really ending this time.

There's  nothing more after this. No more graduations. No more grad school.

Nothing but a career and being a full on adult.

I think that's what's the scariest part yet.

Family conversations

 My parents came in last night for my graduation next week. There were some things that came up in conversations last night that I'm surprised I didn't break down. As I've been saying on my writing Tumblr, I've been feeling rather fragile in terms of my emotions lately. So to keep my composure now when they are around, is a bit of a miracle in itself.

First of all, I'm experiencing mixed emotions about my parents being here. I should be happy and I am happy to see them. However, it is a bit complicated. I guess with everything going on lately, I am just not as happy or excited to see them as I should be. I guess part of it also has to do with some of the pressure I feel they've been putting on me lately.

My mom even asked me last night if I was glad they were here. Really glad they were here.  I told her I was even though it's not exactly the truth. It's more complicated then that how I really feel. I don't want to lie but I don't want to hurt their feelings either. It's not completely lying either. I AM happy but not at the same time.

Also last night we went downtown and walked around looking at the lights on The Square. We went to the Recycled bookstore and looked around there for awhile.

I told my parents I was interested in finding a "PostSecret" book and explained what it was. Luckily, the had one of the books in that day called "My secret". I got it right away since I knew the next time it probably wouldn't be there. I'd already gone in previously and asked and the staff informed me that those books were popular and usually went quickly.

After I picked up the book, we walked around the bookstore looking around. My mom remembered a book from the last time she had visited that she was interested in buying and wanted to see if it was still there. It was so she bought it.

It's a book about people who have died at the Grand Canyon. Either on purpose or by accident; people who have gone "over the edge". It was brought up how they can't really understand what would bring people to do something like that. I told them, I could see it. I could understand what might drive people to do that and I do.

If you've been reading this blog for awhile, especially lately, then you already know that I've been dealing with a lot of things. I feel fortunate to have at the strength or the ability to keep myself from ever taking things that far. I'm in therapy as a way to keep me from ever getting that far. Not that I would ever go that far, but you don't really know. Something could somehow have sent me "over the edge" had I not sought therapy.

It was at this point that my mom mentioned how that was why she'd been so concerned about me and about my brother. She was concerned that something like this could happen to us.It's nice to hear that she was concerned about us. I'm struggling and have gotten really down on myself before but I don't ever see myself as going that far ever. My brother on the other hand, maybe. I mean I would hope not but he has been diagnosed with depression. I haven't been diagnosed with any specific mental illness.

Still though, hearing this and admitting that I felt I could understand why someone would go to the extreme was a bit difficult. Just things have been rather difficult for me lately.

Like I've said so many times, no matter how bad things have gotten for me, I've never considered going to the extreme.

The "My Secret" book, like the Post Secret website, has a lot of secrets I feel I can relate to.  A lot of things that other strangers have admitted that I've never admitted myself.

After we got back to my apartment last night, my dad got interested in looking at the book and would share some of the secrets he found interesting from the book.  Some of those secrets were hard to hear for me. Hard for me to admit that I've felt some of the same things. Some of those secrets were things I could never admit to relating to. Some of the secrets are that I can relate more to more than my parents ever could know. Things I'm afraid to admit to them.

Still though it brought up some conversations which were hard for me to talk about. Some things I didn't want to answer about and mostly didn't.

There were other things that were brought up in our conversation about some of these secrets. At one point, my mom mentioned hearing about something on Dr. Phil that made her apologize to my brother for whatever she or my dad did. She asked me if I thought they had been "bad" parents basically, and I said no. She even apologized to me.

My parents really did the best they could but sometimes I can't help that's some of the things they did raising me have caused my problems. I don't blame them though. I try not to. They did the best they could.

Also yesterday, my mom told me that she’s noticed I’ve grown up a lot within the past 2 months. Not quite sure how I feel about this. I feel like I’ve had to in a way.

In the last 2 months, I feel like I have had to grow up.  With everything I’ve been dealing with.
I've had to do things despite not wanting to. Knowing that I've had to get things done.

I don't really know or understand what she means by this. I don't really know how I've grown up when the truth is that I'm terrified of doing so. I think that's really part of my problems: I'm terrified of growing up. Also with so much happening in the past couple of months, it's almost hard for me to feel like I've grown up.

Sometimes I almost feel like a scared little children that doesn't know how handle myself. Especially lately it seems.I really don't feel so much like a grown-up.

Finally I want to mention something in regards to my dad. I was born to older parents and I believe I've mentioned this before.  My dad is a Veteran. He fought in the Vietnam War. I was told this but don't know the stories. I have never asked and I don't want to ask. I'm sure it would be an interesting part of history for me but I don't ask because I'm sure it's a hard subject for my dad. I know it is.

According to my mom, my dad still gets nightmares from it. I don't ask about it for this reason.  As it is, just writing it down here makes me a bit nervous. I almost feel it's too private to mention. But at the same time, it made me think of something in relation to my problems recently. Possibly.

There's all this talk now about post traumatic stress disorder and how a lot of veterans and soldiers suffer from it. And really it makes sense why.

Back when my dad was younger, people didn't understand this so it went unnoticed. I'm not saying it's what my dad has but it wouldn't surprise me.  Especially how long it's been since it happened.
But I know it has had an impact on him. Perhaps has had an impact on me and I didn't even know it. I'm not saying his problems have anything to do with me but then again maybe they do a little bit.

I've been trying to find a reason for me struggling with some mental health issues. I know my brother suffers from depression but I don't or at least I don't struggle with it to be specifically diagnosed as such.  They say depression is heredity or supposedly. So there's the possibility that I could develop it as well.

I've never really thought about my parent's being a possibility until now. Perhaps my dad? I mean, he did experience this before I was born. Still though, I highly doubt it. Just something I got to thinking about.

There's just been a lot of conversation with my parents already. Things I have feelings about and would rather not talk about. Things that it's taken me every ounce of strength not to break down over; keep composure. (Things that just have aggravated the problem basically; made it more difficult not to break down over).

The conversations are far from over. I just hope I can manage to keep myself together.

Secret life, fears, and the end of therapy again

This is going to be a long blog post again and another one covering many topics. So let's begin..

Sometimes it feels as though I'm leading a secret life; one that my family knows nothing about.
The Internet and my therapists seem to know more about me then they do. There is so much I've told the Internet and my therapists that I haven't told my family. So much I've confessed here in this blog and my writing Tumblr that my family knows nothing about.

Things that I feeling could never tell them out of fear. Fear of what exactly still remains a mystery. At this point, I've stopped telling my family a lot of things. Because they wouldn't understand. I feel like I can't trust them anymore.

Well perhaps it's not so much I don't trust them exactly. Just there's some things that are difficult for me to be able to talk about with them.

I don't have to tell them everything and lately I haven't told them everything. I hate keeping secrets from them but it feels as though I have to lately.

They don't really know how much I'm truly suffering. I feel a though I have to hide that from them. I feel like I'm almost lying to them. Saying that everything is a lot better than it really is. I feel like when they ask me how I'm doing and I reply "I'm doing fine" that I'm just covering up. I don't want them to be more concerned about me than needs to be.

Then again lately as we've gone deeper and deeper into my problems, my parents may have more to do with the cause of some of my problems than even they would realize. So perhaps it's also because of this that I'm not telling them some of the things going on.

As graduation draws nearer and nearer, I'm finding myself getting less and less excited and more and more terrified. Everyone is excited about it for me and they think I should also be excited about it.

I am. Somewhat. But I'm finding it really hard to get excited when I'm more terrified about it. Every time I think about it, I feel like crying and frequently do because of how scared I am. I'm actually scared of graduation this time around.

The finality of what it means; the end of my educational journey basically. Having to go out into the "real world". Instead of exciting me, it terrifies me. I'm not ready; I don't feel ready.

Perhaps this is another part of my "perfectionist" nature. Perhaps that's why I'm so terrified. Because I don't feel ready. I don't feel prepared enough. I'm afraid of failing miserably.

Graduation should be exciting but instead it's scaring me. Instead of being motivated to move on, I'm shrinking away from it; wanting to run away because it's just so frighting to me.

I have 1 more week. 1 more week of what I guess I could say is innocence before reality sets in.

Finally, as it tends to have been happening at the end of each semester since I started going to therapy. I got to wondering if I need to go back. My therapist has basically told me that I should continue which I agree with. However, today I really got to thinking about it and started wondering.

There's only one thing left I want to mention to my therapist before we end and it's something that was brought up in this week's session. The whole "perfect" thing. Actually a couple of things since I also want to share the quote I found with her.

But the thing is what's left? What will be left to talk about with my "new" therapist when I find them? I know that I'll have to once again go through the whole explanations of what led me to counseling in the first place. I'm sure once I have my records sent from the Clinic, there will be more to talk about. But to have a reasoning or something to talk about right at first? I don't think I have one right now.

I've mentioned so much to my therapists here and particularly this semester. We've talked about my problems in such great detail and length that I'm not quite sure what's left.  The other thing is that some of my problems right now will no longer be such problems after our sessions end.

I know my problems won't go away entirely. Some may go away on their own but new ones might develop. Wherever I eventually end up may result in some of my problems coming back.

It's almost like after this past week, I've said almost all I could say for now. I'm sure my therapist has some things to wrap up with me; some ways to help me cope between therapists. I'm sure she may have some ideas of things I can keep working on; should keep working on.

I know I still have things to work on and that I should continue working on. But it seems that for right now at least, perhaps things are just wrapping up naturally on their own. Perhaps I'll be able to handle things on my own for awhile.

The thing is that when I think about a new therapist, I realize I'm going to be starting over. That I'm going to have to explain things again.

But the thing is that after being in ongoing therapy for at least 2 years (if I'm to count the short term counseling I sought last year, 2011, at SCC), I've made a lot of progress. Well things aren't 100% resolved but things are a lot better and are continuing to get better.

The things that took me into therapy in the first place, seem to have been resolved for the most part. Or at least, I'm handling them better.

I don't know what if anything at this point will actually send me back to therapy. I just know I should continue going; I feel like I need to keep going to keep me on track. I'm sure I'd find something to talk about. Something else I could work on.

Could it be that things are working themselves out without me realizing it? Starting to work themselves out? Could it be that I've finally made enough progress that I no longer need therapy for now? 

How could this be though when only this week, I was so emotional worked up and barely keeping things together? How can this be when I still feel like my life is still a bit complicated and still getting frustrated?

How can this be when I still get in my moods? When I still get depressed and feel blue or lonely for no apparent reason?  When I still struggling with some anxiety issues? (Ok so maybe I still have some unresolved issues after all)

I don't really understand. I don't really know.

All I know is that right now as I write this, I feel better about things. How things are looking right now. I'm still dealing with things, definitely, but I'm feeling better about them right now. 

That's not to say that things can't or won't change in the time leading up to my last session next week. Things could get worse all of a sudden or they can continue to get better.  Just have to wait and see.

As always, a lot on my mind.
Thanks for reading!

Update (5:40PM): Then again if I'm truly doing fine, why else would I just have broken down crying for apparent reason just now?  Maybe this is what my therapist is concerned about. Maybe she sees this happening more often if I don't continue therapy. Perhaps she realizes that under certain conditions I could essentially "fall apart" and that's why she wants me to continue. Perhaps she's being proactive in this sense. Maybe she realizes that I truly have problems that without continued therapy, could develop and become much worse. I could become much worse. Sure things may seem fine right now but it probably won't last.  Something could just trigger a reaction from me and send me back into therapy; trigger a emotional breakdown. Basically a string inside me, that is so fragile that it could break without warning.  Maybe I'm not as fine as I'm thinking I am.

"Perfect" addendem

Sometimes when I feel like I can't find any other answer to explain some of my problems, I can't help but come back to my personality type and it just being part of being an "INFJ". Not because it's the "easy" answer but because I've pretty much exhausted all other ideas and this is really the only thing I have left.

I'm talking about my personality type a lot lately and I realize this but it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I'm trying to understand how my problems could be part of this personality. Not trying to use it as an excuse but more as a way to understand where some of my problems could be coming from.

I'm wondering if this whole perfectionism is just part of my personality at this point. It's just me. It's part of who I am.

I'm still thinking about the whole  "perfect" thing that was mentioned to me in my session yesterday. I know that I'm a bit of a perfectionist but I don't know where this idea of "perfection" came from.

I know it's this perfectionist nature causing me a lot of unnecessary stress. It's the reason for a lot of my problems. I want to be "perfect" so I try really really hard at things and as a result makes it harder when I fail.

 I'm sure it's also because of this "perfectionist" nature that I tend to procrastinate a lot of times. I've dealt with procrastination issues for a lot time and I'm sure this is one reason why.

I recently found something I wrote in my Introductory Psychology class that I took at my community college back in Spring 2007: "People procrastinate because they have a low tolerance of frustration or because they feel anxious and fear failure."

This explains my struggles so exactly.  I put off doing something because I don't feel like I can do a good job and so I would rather not do it.  Especially if it's something I don't quite understand.

Which goes back to being a perfectionist. If it's not going to be "perfect" in my opinion, why should I do it?

I set high standards for myself and when I fail to meet such standards, I'm really hard on myself.
Many times I've had to settle for turning in work that was, in my opinion, less than quality; wasn't good enough.  I always feel miserable when I do this.  Yet, many times my work comes back with a fairly decent grade.

It bothers me because I feel like I could have done better and then I blame myself for not taking more time to work on it; starting earlier instead of waiting until almost the last minute.

I'm working on trying to be more accepting that my work isn't going to be "perfect" all the time. It will probably never be "perfect". It's a struggle but I am trying to work on it. I'm at least starting to recognize when I'm doing it; trying to make something "perfect" and causing myself stress.

The thing is though, my "perfectionist" nature isn't in everything I do. As a child I never really tried to be "perfect" as far as my grades were concerned. At least, I didn't seem to. Sure I would work really hard but I was ok with getting a "B" in a class on my report card. I didn't get "A"s all the time and I still seemed ok with it. I was still happy with my grade.  Even on my assignments, I would usually get A's or B's and be happy.

If I got anything lower, then yeah, most often times I wasn't happy.  But still I did well enough in school that the only times I got anything less than a "B" were on my class assignments and I was usually ok with that. 

By the time I got to high school though, things started getting a bit difficult. I took some AP courses and struggled with both of them. My first AP course was European history. I'd already had struggled with history courses before so I don't really know why I decided to go for an AP course but I did. I struggled a lot in that class especially when it came to the exams.  After the first semester, I had a B.  I just knew if I stayed in the course though chances are my grade would drop even more and I'd fail it. I didn't want that so I switched to regular World History instead. Now looking  back on this, I guess it was that "perfectionist" nature of mine; the fact that I didn't want to fail that made me switch.

My first real, "C" grade came in college during my senior year of High School. I was a dual-credit student which meant that I took college credit classes as a high schooler and received credit for both high school and college. Which meant that by the time I started at the college as a full-time freshmen student, I already had about a semester's worth of credits already.

My first "C" was in yet another European history course. This was my first "C" in college and I remember feeling pretty horrible about it for awhile. I struggled in the course and I knew it. I didn't want a "C" but that's what the grade ended up being. This was the first of several C's in my college career. I hated getting C's but eventually I was content to just even pass the course. I struggled in the courses where I ended up with C's. It got to a point that if I was just glad to have passed the course.I still wasn't pleased with the grade but I guess I learned to just be ok with it.

Even when I got into grad school, I hated the thought of getting a "C" and I knew I couldn't. I had to get a "B" or better or otherwise the course wouldn't count credit.  This really wasn't a big problem for me to get at least a "B"but that was until my School Librarianship course happened. Up until that course, I'd had a 4.0 GPA. I'd gotten A's in all my courses. My School Librarianship course really pushed me. I really struggled with the assignments. I was hoping I would end up getting a "B" but even that seemed like a far fetched idea and by the end of the semester, I already has resigned myself to a "C" grade.

I'm still not happy about this. I feel like I should have just withdrawn from the course and I got really close to doing it. It got to that point. But again, I didn't and just suffered through it. My GPA suffered from this course and even taking this extra course this semester and most likely passing it with an A will not be enough to make up and bring back my 4.0.

Thinking about it, the fact that the SCC used the term in describing some of my problems, makes a lot of sense. I've struggled with being perfect for a long time and still struggle with it. 

It can be a blessing and a curse but for me, it's mostly a curse.
Right now my perfectionist nature is more noticeable to me because I'm a college student but I know it's going to continue being a problem for me in my career and I'm going to have to learn how to deal with it.

To be ok with not always being "perfect".

Perfect

One word. So simple and yet so powerful. Perfect.

A word that comes up with me far too often it seems. A word that the Student Counseling Center used in a description about me and some of my problems; the fact that I seem to struggle with trying to be “perfect” . This is some of the information that was sent over to the Psychology Clinic. Information that I was asked about at one point in today’s therapy session.

We certainly discussed a lot today. A lot things were covered. Thankfully we covered everything that was on my mind this week. Everything that I at least wanted to mention to her before our sessions end. I also made her a little emotional again this week. Not full on emotional break down like I have but I could see on her face, that she could feel my pain; that she could feel how hard things were for me emotionally. 

My therapist mentioned that she had received some information from the SCC. I explained to her that I'd had them send the information to the Clinic so that when I found another therapist they could then forward all the information from the Clinic.

She then mentioned something about how in the information sent over, it mentioned something about "perfect" and she wanted to know a bit more about it.

I am a bit of a perfectionist and I’ve admitted it so many times. But the question is why?
Why do I try so hard to be perfect? Why do any of us try to be perfect?

I know it’s an unattainable goal. I know this deep inside myself. And still I try to be “perfect”
I don’t know why this is. I know nobody’s perfect. I know no matter how hard I try at things, I’m never going to be perfect. Nothing I do ever will be perfect.

So why then do I keep striving for perfection? Why do I not grasp the understanding that nothing is ever going to be perfect?

Why do I continue chasing something that never will be? That doesn’t exist? Never will exist?
Why do I push myself so hard to be “perfect” in my assignments?

At least I’ve started recognizing this about myself. I’m realizing that I’m causing myself unnecessary stress by trying to be perfect at everything I do. Still though it doesn’t make it any easier . It doesn’t stop me from still trying.

I know I'm not perfect. Or at least I know that deep inside me.

But I've starting to realize this somewhat and I'm trying really hard to stop this thinking of me always having to be perfect.

That's where the progress came in on Sunday. I recognized that I causing myself unnecessary stress because I was trying to be perfect. I was overthinking the assignment; trying to make it perfect.

I have other things that I'm supposed to be reflecting on this week but I can't stop thinking about the whole "perfect" thing now.  Just hearing that it's what the Counseling Center thought one of my problems was and they're the ones who identified it. 

I know I struggle with this. The idea of "perfection" but hearing someone else confirm it is a bit overwhelming. Perhaps even a bit of relief. Yet it's something that I don't understand exactly. I mean, I know I struggle with it but don't understand my reasoning.  It's something that's now on my mind and will be something to mention at our last session next week.

That's the other thing. I started getting emotional when she mentioned forwarding the information from the clinic to my therapist in New Mexico if I found one.  I couldn't really describe it to her because honestly I didn't know what I was feeling. Now I realize what I'm feeling.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid to move on. I'm afraid to start over. I'm afraid I won't find a therapist back home and that's how it's looking. I'm worried about how I'm going to be able to cope in the meantime. I plan to continue therapy but I'm not sure I'll be able to find someone until I find where I end up.

I'm not trying to make it sound as though I'm using therapy as a crutch. I'm sure I'll be able to cope without it for a while. However, I am concerned about losing a lot of the progress that has been made. I'm concerned that I could go backwards. That things could take a turn for the worse.

I guess yes, I'm afraid to go without therapy now. Because I don't really trust myself to cope with things on my own without it. 

One more thing, I'm supposed to reflect this week on other times where I blamed myself for things that were out of my control. The thing is that I realize that I blame myself a lot for things.I blame myself for people taking advantage of me too. But specifically blaming myself for something that was beyond my control? Except for the Incident with  my neighbor, I can't really think about another time.

Next week is our last session of the semester.  Actually my last session for who knows how long. Next week we'll be wrapping things up. Hopefully she'll be giving me coping techniques or things I can do to help me while I'm between therapists.

I feel like next week will be a lot better in terms emotionally. This week, I just felt so emotionally worked up and I told her. I think it's just all the stress I'm dealing with specifically in regards to my final project. Actually I just think it's stress in general. But after this week, I won't feel stressed so much so I feel as things will be a bit better for me emotionally.

I feel as though I'll be calmer next week. Or hopefully I'll be.

There's one thing left I want to mention to her though. A quote that I want to leave with her and that I'm going to end this blog post with. A quote that I feel defines much of my life situation currently:

"It takes ten times as long to put yourself together as it does to fall apart"-Finnick Odair.
Mockingjay; The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins

INFJ personality and therapy

 I got to thinking about my INFJ personality in relation to therapy the other day. I decided to search the Internet to see what was being said about this.

I also took a more in-depth personality type test that was linked to on one of the sites I looked at. 72 questions all answered completely honestly and the result: INFJ. Yep. I have to be honest, when this turned out to be my result, I actually broke down in tears out of what I guess to be relief. This result is more defining than the simple 4 question test I'd taken a while back ago. Time and time again I keep coming back to INFJ  being my personality. I've known for awhile but this new test just further proves it.

I also want to say that it is just chance that I got interested in my personality type. Up until the test I took several months ago, I had no knowledge of the different personality types in regards to Myers-Briggs or anything like that.  When I discovered my possible type, of course I researched it. Not knowing anything about it, I read the description and realized how accurately it described me. I'm not trying to let it define me either; it does that enough on it's own. Plus it's not something I constantly think about although every so often I get into these moods where I do think more about it.

So anyways, going back to INFJ's in relation to therapy. It turns out there's a lot being said about INFJ's in regards to therapy. At least from what I've found.

In my searching, I stumbled across some message boards for INFJ's talking about it. Saying how either therapy helped them or didn't really help them.

I've already said that I'm extremely fortunate to have found such wonderful therapists who I feel really understand me. Especially my therapist this semester, I really feel as though she's someone who really understands me.

I've read about some other INFJ's on these forums and how they've tried therapy but felt as though their therapists didn't really understand them. They felt their therapists didn't do much for them because their therapists didn't understand the INFJ personality and tried to change them or make them do things they just weren't ready to do.

They've also talked about how some of their therapists have asked them if they even needed to keep coming to therapy because they seem to "know" the answers; have things "figured out". One person even mentioned how their therapist stopped seeing them after they started journaling. Others have essentially created their own personal imaginary therapist.

Others have talked about how they didn't really see the need to go to therapy. They don't see how therapy would help them.  Being that INFJ's are essentially therapists themselves, the people tended to seem like they were better able to help themeselves.

It's just interesting to me that even though we're all INFJ's and share some of the same traits, we are still uniquely different. There's still so much variety.

Reading about other INFJ's gives me more insight to me as an individual though and reading about how some people have struggled with therapists, makes me even more fortunate to have found therapists I feel really understand me.

I honestly feel that my therapist sees my INFJ personality and she works with it. It's almost hard not to see my INFJ personality sometimes I feel. The fact that I find it hard to express my feelings verbally but yet have no problem expressing them on paper  (which seems to be a fairly common thing I've gathered from reading these message boards. That it's a fairly common thing for INFJ's); the fact that I have a lot of "internal conflicts";  the fact that I feel like I'm a complicated individual; the fact that I struggled for the longest time to reveal all to my therapist, holding back for fear of judgement; the fact that I am a reserved person; the fact that I tend to be very emotional and sensitive.

Basically so much of what I say or don't say in therapy just seems to scream "INFJ" to me and I would think it screams it to my therapists too. While my therapists have never mentioned my personality type, I'm sure they have recognized it; did recognize it in the first 15 minutes of our first sessions and if not, I'm sure it become abundantly clear to them after a couple of sessions.

The thing is though, I feel as though both of my therapists have understood me and my personality type. They seem to understand it without me having to come out and say it.  I've never even mentioned it to them, yet I believe they've figured it out and how it relates to my problems.

I think the fact that they seem to understand my personality type is perhaps because they take classes on personality or they have the option to. I know because I looked at the course offerings for Psychology courses or at least those for an undergrad. ( I was curious!) Perhaps they have similar courses for grad students. Still though it seems as though somewhere in their coursework they have studied about personalities and different traits and such and have learned to be responsive to them all; how to work with all these different types.  I also know that they do offer a Myers-Briggs test  and similar types of personality testing at the Clinic so I'm sure that my therapists have to have knowledge of them.

Like I've already mentioned, reading about other INFJ's has given me more insight into me as an individual. I feel as though I can relate to a lot of the same things. I see people mentioning things and realize that I'm the same way. 

For instance one person was talking about her therapist and how her therapist understands that the person thinks a lot about herself and her psyche;why she does certain things, etc. Her therapist also understands that the person doesn't come up with A solution but instead comes up with multiple acceptable possibilities and then she gets stuck!

This sounds a lot like me. I have the same problems!

 The same person also mentioned how now that she's cutting back on how often she sees her therapist it makes her nervous and she comes across multiple things a day that she want to talk to her therapist about.

Again I can totally relate to this! Definitely about the multiple things a day thing! Right now I have about 4 or 5 things I already want to mention to my therapist on Wednesday but I'm concerned that there isn't enough time. I only have one more session this semester after this week and then I'll be without therapy for who knows how long.

I don't really know if INFJ's seek therapy more often than other personality types or if INFJ's are more likely to develop mental health issues or not.

 All I know is that I'm an INFJ and  I am in therapy for reasons. Then again now that I think about it, perhaps it's partly because of my INFJ personality that it took so long for me to seek therapy in the first place. I mean really seek therapy.

I've told you I've had struggles since I was a child. I mentioned how during my middle school years, I went to the counselor's office a few times. But it wasn't until my nervous breakdown in 2009 that I actively sought counseling. It was then that I realized my own coping skills were no longer helping me.And again when I moved here, it took me awhile before I really sought counseling. I thought I was handling things but it got to a point where I realized, I wasn't really handling things all that well.

I realize that not all INFJ's may seek therapy because not all need it.

But I do need it. It's been helpful for me and already I've seen progress and hope to continue seeing it.

Self-harm: personal thoughts

"Has there ever been a time where you considered hurting yourself or anyone?"

This question has been asked of me several times by my therapists. At least twice this semester.
Every time I've been asked this my answer has been "No". It's not something I've ever considered.

I have gotten to really low points in my life.There have been times that I've felt really depressed and yet for some reason, I've never gone so far as to try and hurt myself or anything like that.

Honestly, I'm not quite sure why this is. Trust me, there have been such low points in my life that I probably could have done something like this and yet I haven't. I've never considered it.

It's something I don't quite understand this myself. I guess there is an inner strength that I have that even I'm not aware of. Something that stops me from harming myself. I guess there's some part of me that refuses to give up even if I feel like giving up.

I've been told by my therapists that I'm a fighter and I guess I am. Some part of me refuses to give up no matter how difficult things get. That's why I'm in therapy. Because some part of me still has hope even if I don't see it.

Again, no one forced me into going to therapy. I decided it on my own. I just knew that I could no longer handle things on my own. I knew I needed help or things would get much worse.

But still no matter how bad things have gotten, I've never considered hurting myself.

However, there's something I've never mentioned to my therapists or anyone else before now:

There have been times when I've gotten so down on myself that I've been afraid I could do something crazy.  That something would just push me over that edge. Sometimes in these situations, I would get nervous around sharp objects. That something would just trigger me and send me resorting to hurting myself.  But I never did. I never have and I think it's because it's because of that inner strength. That keeps me from resorting to hurting myself; of ever taking it that far.


These thoughts don't happen that often. Only a few times has this ever happened. I've never mentioned these thoughts before because nothing has ever come from it. I've never gone so far as to actually hurt myself. All I'm saying is that I've gotten to the point where I've been nervous if I had the strength to keep myself from resorting to self-harm.  I didn't know if I had the strength to keep myself from hurting myself on purpose. It's times like this that test me and I realize I do have the strength.

I think about if I could ever self-harm and I honestly can't ever see  myself resorting to that. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I'd be too afraid to go that far no matter how bad things might get.

The other thing is that I have support. I have people who care about me. I particularly have someone who I care so much about that I could never harm myself without feeling as though I'd hurt him. That person is my nephew.

I've talked about this on my Writing Tumblr. My nephew means so much to me. He and I have such a close relationship. I feel as though he is my strength. He's the reason I could never hurt myself or even consider taking my own life. I'd hurt my family but he's the one who'd be affected the most.   I couldn't stand the thought of him being hurt. The thought of him struggling. I know he’d struggle and I know it would be hardest on him. I couldn’t bear to have him suffer like that which is why I could never go that far.I’ve known him since he was a little baby. I’ve watched him grow up. I couldn’t stand the thought of not being there for him when he got older.

In addition to my nephew being part of my strength, I have my writing ability. I mentioned this a couple days ago. I think it's because I'm able to write and express myself in words that I don't resort to self-harming.  Whenever I get really down on myself or anything, I turn to writing.  Either physically writing or typing.  Getting my thoughts and emotions down on paper helps me. It's therapeutic. Sometimes as I'm writing or typing, tears are streaming down my face or I'm just so frustrated that I put more pressure on my pencil or pound the keys harder than they need to.  My writing helps me. Keeps me from resorting to other things to express my pain.

There's also music. I turn to music to get me through tough times too. I have an iPod playlist entitled "Don't Give Up" full of songs of encouragement that I listen to when times are difficult. Usually it's a combination of both music and my writing ability that gets me through. I listen to my playlist as I'm writing.

This whole topic of self-harm came up because I was reading about someone who does self-harm on Tumblr. They are getting help for it but still they give in to self-harm more often than not. It pained me to read about this but it also got me thinking about me and my problems. It got me thinking about how even though I struggle with mental health issues, I don't resort to self harm; why I don't resort to self harm.  How even though there have been low points in my life, I've never considered hurting myself.

 It made me realize that I have things that help me remain strong in difficult times. I have things that I turn to instead of resorting to self-harm and for that I'm extremely grateful.

Progress

Ok so as I write this, I'm really supposed to be working on my Final Project but instead here I am writing another blog post even though I've already posted one earlier today.

For one thing, something happened tonight that showed that I'm definitely making progress in my therapy sessions and I wanted to share that with you here.

First of all, my final project for my Creating Online Content for Youth Services is due on Thursday. I also have a final paper due then as well. Since the two go hand-in-hand though, it's not such a big deal. The final paper is basically a recap of creating our Final Project.

Being that this is a final project, stress levels are a bit high. This also being my final Final Project of my educational career it adds a little more pressure. After this project, it'll probably be a long time before I ever have another project for school to finish, if I decide to go back to school that is.

For my final project, I’m supposed to be developing an online course which includes all these components similar to an actual online college class (or at least in my case) but the problem is that my idea is meant for college students in a public library setting. In other words, in reality it won’t involve all these components that were are supposed to be including such as a syllabus, grading criteria, etc.

As usual with big projects, I started to get overwhelmed with too much information; trying to take everything in at once.I just don’t really understand how much I’m supposed to be doing in terms of this project. Right now I’m struggling to put together a syllabus.It’s not so much that I don’t understand what we’re supposed to be doing. It’s more like I don’t see how all these would apply for a public library setting.

It got to the point where I was about to break down in tears because I was just so frustrated and confused and stressed out.

But I didn't break down. Instead I stepped away from my computer and tried to get myself to calm down. I took deep breathes trying to use a breathing technique my therapist (and an ex-advisor of mine from Oklahoma State) had given me to use. I also gave myself of bit of a pep talk. Tried to clear my head and figure things out.

It was during this that I recognized what was really causing me to be so stressed. I recognized that it's not the project itself that's causing me the stress. It's really me causing myself to be so stressed.

I know part of my struggle is coming from me over thinking things and from my perfectionist nature. I’m wanting things to be perfect; trying to make them perfect. I’m over thinking things too much and I just need to calm down and focus on one thing at a time.I’m recognizing that I’m causing myself unnecessary stress by trying to be perfect. I’m letting my perfectionist nature try to take over.

My professor isn’t asking for perfection. She recognizes the fact that it’s not going to be perfect. She not asking me to plan the entire course out entirely. My project doesn’t have to be perfect. It’s not going to be perfect. It just has to be done. 

In terms of my therapy sessions, this is definitely progres. Sure I’m still stressing out but I recognizing it and I’m using strategies to try and calm myself down. At least I’m recognizing this fact. I’m recognizing the fact that I’m getting stressed and I’m trying to calm myself down. I’m recognizing that I’m putting more pressure on myself than there needs to be. I’m recognizing things about myself that are aggravating my stress level.


Before therapy, something like this would have been much worse then it is now. It's taken time but I think I'm finally making progress. What happened tonight proves that I've made progress. I'm recognizing my stress and trying to control it. I'm trying to change my thinking.

Thanks to therapy, I'm able to do this now.

A sign that progress is being and has been made.

Little steps.

A bit of a small victory but a victory nonetheless.

My mental health

I've told you all that I'm in therapy. I've told you why I'm in therapy. I've told you the full story of one of the reasons why. I've told you about my first sessions and pretty much about all if that since. I've covered almost everything I think I can say about therapy and related topics at this point and yet I still find things to talk about regarding counseling and therapy.  Then there's the fact that each week I go in for a session and it brings up some more thoughts. Some more things to consider.

However, I'm not sure if I've ever specifically talked about my mental health in general here. I know I've mentioned it on my Writing Tumblr (which by the way if any of my readers here are on Tumblr as well and what to read more of my writing you can follow me here: http://aformofexpression.tumblr.com )

Forgive me if I've already talked about this on here already. With the increasing number of posts, I don't have a lot of time to go back and read to see what's already been covered and what hasn't.

Lately I've been thinking about my mental health in general. I've admitted that I've had mental health problems to people or at least I admit that I'm in therapy for mental health issues. I'm not ashamed of this.  By admitting that I'm in therapy, I'm admitting that I'm having problems with my mental health and that I know I need help. That I'm doing the responsible thing by seeking help. That I'm concerned for myself and my own well-being

No one told me to seek therapy. I made the decision on my own. I knew I could no longer handle things on my own.

In a questionnaire survey for my chiropractor, they asked questions regarding mental health and I answered them as honestly as I could. To me, it almost makes it seem as though answering the questions the way I did makes me seems as though I'm someone who has some serious issues regarding mental health.

At this point, when it comes to people asking about or wondering about if I have any mental health issues, I admit it. It's weird because I've never really thought about me having to admit it before. I've never really though of myself as being someone that would have mental health problems.

Yet, I still tend to admit it even though I don't really feel like I really have mental health issue. Well not really any serious mental health issues that would interfere with me being able to perform certain tasks or anything like that. I feel as though my mental health issues aren't even things that really interfere with my normal life. I feel as though I can mostly lead a normal life; function quite normally.

I have struggles and yes, there are some things that trigger some of my problems but really, I'm able to function despite everything. My mental health issues, in my opinon, aren't that serious.

I want to be honest with people though. I want them to know that I'm struggling with some mental health issues but at the same time, I don't want people to take it to the extreme. Yes, I am struggling with things but I'm still doing fine. In other words, if you were to just look at me, you couldn't tell that I was struggling. I don't show it or at least I try not to show it.

Lately too, when people talk about struggling with mental health issues like anxiety and depression, I feel as though I can relate to them. Posts that ask you to reblog or share if you have depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, etc. or any mental health issue,  I feel as though I have to reblog. I feel like I relate to these posts.

I've already admitted to have social anxiety. I've struggled with other problems yet not enough to really be diagnosed with them. Yet, I do have mental health problems even if they aren't that severe. After all, I'm in therapy for a reason.

Basically my mental health isn't all that great. It's not a severe as other people, in fact in comparison, I'd say it was fairly tame. But it's still at a point where it would do me more harm if I wasn't in therapy. My mental health is at a fragile point that who knows where I'd be right now if I hadn't sought therapy. 

I feel as though my mental health is in the middle. It's not severe yet at the same time, it's not all that simple.

Let me put it this way: I've been in therapy at the Psychology Clinic for over a year now. Recently my therapist asked me if I was planning on continuing therapy when I moved back home. If she didn't think I'd be ok without therapy or didn't need it anymore, I don't think she would have asked.  She obviously thinks I'd do better to continue therapy; that I need to continue.

However at the same time, my problems aren't that fragile or that high-priority that my last therapist couldn't give me up as a client. She had to make choices and I'm sure while it wasn't easy to let my case go she had other clients that were at a point where it would have done more harm to have them switch therapists. Perhaps she felt that I was someone who could adjust to the switch without too many problems. Maybe she might even have had a part in recommending who to take on my case when she couldn't this semester.

My mental health issues are real. Completely real. I can't just "get over them". These are things that aren't all that simple to fix. Obviously my problems are more complex since I'm still in therapy even after all this time. My problems weren't something that could be fixed with short-term counseling since they recommended me to the Psychology Clinic. Instead of only taking a semester it's taken me over a year and longer. 

"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"

This is all happening in my head and yes, it is real. What's inside my head is completely real.