I guess I'm going to talk about the fact that I have issues today.
I seem to have problems with self-confidence and being overly hard on myself. I stress out far too easily and get frustrated. I also have trouble making friends. I just have a variety of problems it seems. I am getting help with my problems though and I have improved. However, it just makes me things of how I seem to have had problems for a lot longer than I realized. I've always had issues making and keeping friends even in elementary school. It's not like I wasn't a good friend or anything. People just never seemed to like me. That and I was made fun of for no apparent reason. I just always was kinda left out. I remember back in 8th grade, I went to see the school counselor a few times for issues with my friends. I remember having extremely negative thoughts. Thoughts where I thought about what it would be like if I disappeared for awhile. (I didn't do anything though). I just felt like my friends were keeping things from me and I felt unappreciated and such. So I figured I would just disappear (again, I didn't though). I think I frightened some of my back-then friends though with my talk like that. I just wasn't happy I guess with my friends. I suppose that's why I turned to poetry. I wrote a lot of poetry beginning in 8th grade. I guess it started because we did a poetry unit in 7th grade and my teacher thought my poems were really good. By chance I decided to submit my poetry to a website asking for submissions. They liked my poetry and published it and I guess that's where it all began. Anyways, I guess it was my outlet back then. Teenage angst and all. Quite a few poems I wrote dealt with my friends and even a few of the stories I wrote back then dealt with my friends. Not that things got much better in high school or now even.
Flash forward to now and I still have issues with making friends. I've been wanting friends here in Denton but I can't seem to make any. Those that I could make friends with I just don't feel as though our personalities mesh well. I'm trying to look past that but it's hard. It's not like I try to push potential friends away. It's just I'm socially awkward. I'm not very outgoing at all. I'm generally kinda quiet and shy until you get to know me. I guess the thing is that I've had friends who've broken my trust so many times before and I guess I'm always afraid that it will happen again. I consider myself to be a loyal friend and want my friends to be the same. However, if you break my trust, I turn against you. I'm sorry but that's the way it is. It's hard for me to forgive someone for doing that.
I also tend to have problems with being proud of who I am and what I've accomplished. I get these negative thoughts in my head and I think I'm not that good and that there's always someone better than me. I don't give myself enough credit for my own accomplishments. I also have the issue that I push myself so hard that when I fail, I blame myself. I seem to have developed a fear of failure along the way. Perhaps failing to get into the graduate program at Oklahoma State had something to do with it. I'm not entirely sure. But somehow, I feel that I push myself so hard because I'm afraid of failing somehow. I guess I also am afraid of not knowing. Just in general not knowing what's going to happen in my future or something. Again, this could be part of what happened last year as well.
There's also the issue of me wanting to get out and be somewhat social but being somewhat afraid to do so at the same time. I'm socially awkward and I know it and somehow it prevents me from going out and attempting to be social. I guess it's why I like my Internet friends a lot. I guess that's just why I love the internet in general for that reason. I'm a nerd so being socially awkward isn't uncommon.
Anyway, I could go on and on about my issues but I think this is enough for now. I do have issues and luckily I'm starting to work them out with some help. I've made some improvement and things have begun to look better and for that I'm proud of. I feel like the clouds have begun to part. Rainbows are starting to appear and the sun is slowly beginning to shine once more.
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