Tonight was the Easter Vigil service at my church. It was very strange going to tonight's service. I had only ever gone to services in Oklahoma and in my hometown for Easter. I already knew that it was going to be a bilingual service (Spanish and English) and was interested to see what it was going to be like. It was certainly interesting. First off, when I walked inside the church, I had no idea where to sit! The pew I normally sat in was reserved as were pretty much all the pews nearest the entrance of the church and in front of the alter. The only pews that weren't reserved were on the sides of the alter. During the vigil, we welcome new members joining the church and all the reserved seats were for those members and their family and friends. It made me feel as though I was intruding on something being forced to sit on the sides. It was very awkward for me especially since I'd never been in a church where it was necessary to have that many pews reserved. I'm used to it being only a few pews but this was like 20 (or so it seemed).It just didn't make me feel very comfortable at all. I found a seat though and for awhile, I didn't have anyone sitting by me. There was a lady at the other end and that was it. That is until a Hispanic family with 3 kids decides to sit in the pew next to me. I don't know why but for some reason, I'm just not comfortable with people sitting next to me that I don't know. It's strange.
So mass begins with a procession from outside and the lighting of the Easter Candle or it would've had the weather cooperated. Unfortunately though it was storming with wind, rain, thunder, the works so things didn't work out that great. We were invited to the front to be there when the procession began but due to the storm, they wouldn't let us outside and eventually had to move inside. We got to light our candles but then we had to blow them out due to the fact that they were afraid that we would run into people on the way into the church. I didn't actually get to blow out my candle but instead had some lady blow it out for me. Apparently she'd been yelling at me in Spanish to blow my candle out but since I don't understand Spanish I didn't know this until she came up to me and just blow my candle out. Anyway, we finally were able to get inside the church and light our candles. Then the service began and it was nice but also strange. The readings and songs were done in both Spanish and in English switching from one language to the other for all the readings. It was different and I was able to follow along but it did make my mind go a bit crazy trying to figure out what language they were going to speak/sing in next. it was also hard because I didn't know how to respond in Spanish to some of the things so I didn't. It was also a long mass, about 3 hours. We had all 7 readings plus the Epistle and a Gospel reading plus Baptisms and such. I've never been to this long of a service before and I'm not sure I really liked it. It was just long for me.
Going back to the Bilingual thing, a couple times I had some other people try to ask me things in Spanish and I felt awkward because I didn't know how to respond. I don't know Spanish. I can't speak it fluently at all. I can speak it a little bit and probably understand it more than I give myself credit for. My parents never spoke it at home when I was growing up. I have family that speak it, namely my mom's side of the family speak it. So despite the fact that I can't speak it a lot myself, I grew up hearing the language and understanding some of it. It was just part of my life. My grandparent's spoke it, my aunts and uncles do, and even several of my cousins. It bothers me that I don't. It bothers me that even though I'm Hispanic, I don't speak Spanish. I'm a non-Spanish speaking Hispanic. It causes problems all the time. Unfortunately because I'm Hispanic and look Hispanic (which sounds weird but think about it. There's Hispanic's that don't look Hispanic), I get people who automatically assume I know Spanish and I don't. I go places and sometimes I get people who take one look at me and start speaking Spanish to me. I can't help but look at them blankly (even though sometimes I do actually know what they are saying) like I have not a clue what they are saying to me. Sometimes I do get up the courage to tell them (in Spanish) that I don't speak Spanish. Mostly though I just give them a blank look and shake my head. It's not like I haven't tried to learn the language. I took classes in High School and when I was in college (until I moved away to Oklahoma). I even thought about minoring and planned to minor in Spanish but it didn't work out. I still would like to at some point. Still though, I haven't really learned the language. Most of the classes I take focus on learning the grammar and such while I just want to be able to start speaking it and then learn the grammar and such. In other words, I'd like a Conversational Spanish class and haven't found one.
I could take classes now and still minor in it but I just haven't tried to do so. I know it would be beneficial for me and my career and I'd like to learn but I just haven't really made the effort. I think it's partially because I'm afraid I'd have to start all over again and also because I'm sure it wouldn't be the type of class I'm wanting in a language class. I've even considered getting a computer program but so far nothing.
I can't even escape Spanish at my apartment complex. Both my neighbors on either side of me speak Spanish and so do some others in my complex. They don't speak English and I don't speak Spanish. So I don't communicate with them because I can't. The fact that I can't really communicate also makes me feel alone in addition to other things. The bottom line is that I don't speak Spanish even though people think I do.
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