BEDA Day 13: Fear

If I didn't know what I was going to write about today, I sure knew after this afternoon.
So this afternoon has turned into an episode for me. If I haven't said so before, I will say so now: I have a terrible fear of bugs. It's really really bad. It's really one particular bug that I have this extreme fear of. I can't really even say the name without getting a small shudder. I was planning to take a nap this afternoon and was all set to with a I saw a bug crawl on my pillow. Of course, I let out a shriek and pretty much started freaking out. I finally managed to take a big container lid and tried to kill it when it was crawling on my bedroom floor. I thought I had managed to kill that one when I saw another bug crawling. I picked up the container lid to kill the other one and it turns out the 1st bug wasn't dead yet. So now I had two bugs and they were both crawling around my bed. Yes, my bed. I immediately vacated it and went into the living room. At this point, I was shaking so bad and was on the verge of tears because I was so scared. I called my mom who managed to calm me down. I finally managed to kill one of the bugs while my mom coached me through. It was really really hard and I kept breaking down because I was so frightened. I finally took care of it and sprayed some more bug stuff around my apartment. Hopefully it'll help. After I got off the phone with my mom, I took apart my bed slowly trying to try and find the other one. I did and though I let out a few more shrieks in the process and was still quite frightened of it, I eventually managed to kill it.

My mom says I should be proud of myself for killing both of the bugs (not too mention the others that I've seen). She's proud of me. The thing is why don't I feel the same. I'm not proud of myself. In fact, I kinda hate myself right now. I hate my fear and the fact that I'm letting it get to me. However, I don't really know what to do about it.

I let my fear control me instead of me controlling it in cases like this. I hate this fear, I get so terrified that I break out in a sweat, start shaking, and break out in tears because I'm so scared. I shriek and I can't even get near the area the bug is in. I literally crawl up in a little ball trembling. It's such a struggle to kill it and even once it's dead I don't want to get anywhere near it. I'm such a mess. It's not even funny how frightened I get.

I've had a fear of bugs ever since I was little so this isn't a new fear or anything. The problem is that the fear seems to have escalated ever since I moved. I'm don't understand why this is. Perhaps I was a bit spoiled living in my old apartment in Oklahoma. I rarely ever saw a bug in my old apartment. I saw maybe one or two really little ones but that was it. Even when I moved here, the first few months, I didn't really see that many bugs. Maybe one or two over the course of a few months. Now it seems that ever since the beginning of the year, I've seen at least 2 a month. I'm lucky enough that I have a pest control guy that comes and sprays each month but despite that, I still see them. Today was pretty much it for me. I can't take it much more. I've seen 4 since he came to spray just last Monday. 2 today and 2 a couple days afterwards. One was already dead in the corner of my kitchen, one was in my bathtub (which for some reason, I was able to kill without my fear getting in the way too much), and then the two in my bedroom. It sucks majorly that my fear gets in the way and I hate myself afterwards. I know that it's stupid and ridiculous but yet I don't see that.
I think it's finally time for me to get some help for this fear. My mom does too. She told my I should find a psychologist and she's probably right. I don't know why I'm like this. Why my fear is so extreme. I know that I'm alone and I have to take care of stuff like this but I just can't seem to do so. I get so frightened. Something is seriously wrong with me.

I feel like ever since I moved here to Texas, I've just had a whirlwind of problems. I've felt extremely lonely, things have happened that I feel bad about, lack of a social life, and now this...What's going on with me? Am I losing it completely? I feel like I almost don't even know who I am anymore. In a conversation with my mom, even she said this isn't like me. Have I changed that much? Have I lost my muchness? (as Alice might say)

Seriously what's going on with me? Here I thought I was making so much progress in my life and then something like this happens and it makes me wonder if things really have changed? I keep telling myself they have and I know they have. Really though, it makes me wonder if perhaps everything is linked? Maybe my intense fear is linked to everything else that's going on in my life.

In a way, I feel like I've become somewhat of a nutcase. Like I have so many problems that I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel as though this isn't me and yet it still is.
I realize everyone has fears and things they are afraid of (I'm also afraid of thunderstorms and bees) but to this extent?

I've said it before but I'll say it again: I have some serious issues.