As I've said before, I'm not currently interested in dating or relationships. However, that doesn't stop me from feeling a bit envious of my friends that are in relationships and such. Last night, I discovered that one of my IRL friends went on a date. It's only a first date but still she's hoping for a next one. I'm happy for her, really I am. It wouldn't be so bad but also two of my other friends IRL recently started dating each other. They'd been friends for awhile before and are sweet together. Again, I'm happy for both of them. So right now, out of the 4 of us, (I should note that these are my channel mates), I'm the only one who's not in a relationship. I just can't help but feel depressed about the fact that I'm not dating anyone. I don't really want a relationship but sometimes I can't help but think, "What if?". I've never been on a date with anyone or even had a boyfriend. I've just always been focused on achieving my goals and not interested in getting involved with someone. I don't' have experience in this area at all.
Honestly, I don't even know who would be interested in me. On Tumblr quite recently, I reblogged a post saying "Reblog this if you truly surprised when someone finds you attractive". I totally am surprised. I don't think I'm ugly necessarily but I don't find myself to be drop dead gorgeous either. In fact, quite honestly, I don't find myself all that pretty. I'm ok I guess and I'm pretty in my own way I guess but I don't see myself as someone somebody would fall for. I see myself as being average looking. I have skin issues that cause problems for me and I don't wear makeup regularly. I certainly don't dyress up fancy except on fancy occasions. In fact, I consider my dress to be "Plain Jane" type. I also usually have my hair up in a ponytail. I don't do anything special since it's long now and being very curly it just doesn't work well very often when I leave it down. Also with the warm weather now, I'd rather it be up and off my neck. During the Winter, I left it down more since it was colder. I guess I should put more effort into how I look but I don't really.
I get depressed about things like this at times. I feel like "What's wrong with me?". Why can't I find someone who I like and who likes me back? I say I don't want a relationship right now and I really don't. However, that doesn't really stop part of me from hoping someone will come along. I keep hoping that I'll find a guy who's just as dedicated as I am to his studies. A nerdy guy who, like me, may not be looking for a relationship exactly at least until he finishes his degree. Or at least a guy who will understand and support me while I finish my degree. I only have about another year and a half left before I finish and again since all my classes are online and I don't really get out much, the chances of me actually meeting someone in that time frame is really slim.
I've had crushes and some of them have been on some guy friends when I was growing up. But after awhile, I got over it. Sure I was jealous of my girl friends who had boyfriends but at the same time, I also saw them suffer after breakups. I guess part of me felt and still does feel that I don't want that pain. I'd rather avoid that pain, so the best thing for me to do is just ignore it and focus on something else. Maybe that's why I'm so dedicated. It bothers me, yes, but at the same time, I would look at my friends and think of how they were wasting their time. I don't know love in that sense and I don't know what it's like to feel the sting of breakups. Perhaps this is why I'm not so bitter towards Valentine's Day like some people. I'm loved in other ways, by my friends and by my family and I'm happy about this. Valentine's Day is just a day for me to show them how much I care. I do that anyways.
I've never been on a date, never had a boyfriend, and never been kissed (although technically this last part isn't true anymore but since the kiss wasn't wanted, I still claim I haven't) I'm usual in this sense. I don't know many (anyone actually) like me who hasn't been on at least 1 date or had at least 1 relationship by the time they were 23. I'm sure there's someone but none that I know. I feel like I'm missing something but am I really?
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