Today is going to be yet another random topic post. Another post of things on my mind.
First off, today was my weekly therapy session and for once, I didn't break down or get too emotional. An accomplishment in itself but I feel it's only a temporary one. I 'm having my planned Storytime on Friday and only found out about it yesterday. Well, the fact that I was doing it this week I mean. I've had it planned out for awhile now. Because of my nervousness, today our focus was techniques to help me calm down and deal with the anxiety. So really there wasn't anything to get too emotional about. Interestedly enough though, we were still able to relate it to other things that have previously been discussed. It never ceases to amaze me just how connected a lot of my problems are. How things that seemed irrelevant aren't much so.
The more I think about things, the more I realize and feel that I lack self-confidence. I'm just not a very confident person. As my therapist mentioned, she can see that I have more confidence than I give myself credit for. Which seems to be similar for a lot of things. I don't give myself enough credit for what I do know and tend to dial my accomplishments down.
I'm hopeful that the techniques will work. One of them is similar to something I already do and have previously been suggested to do by one of my advisors (the one I had at Oklahoma State). Already I've begun to calm down a bit. I just also keep telling myself it'll be ok. I'm not going to be alone either. I'll have others to help me out. So that helps a bit too. It's more the thought of being in charge of something that makes me nervous. I'm used to doing Storytime and the routine and everything so it's not like I don't know what's going on. I'll be fine though. I thought I had another week to prepare myself (more emotionally than anything else) but I don't. Quite honestly, I'm not even sure if I'd be any more ready in a week than I am now. I doubt it would make much of a difference.
I feel as though I've been a bit off recently. As though I'm not my typical self and I can't really explain why. For one thing, I've had a slight headache off and on for a couple of days and have just been feeling extremely tired lately. I'm sure it has to do partly with my lack of sleep. I have trouble falling asleep and then staying asleep. I've had nights where I toss and turn. In fact, a couple of nights ago I felt like I didn't quite fall asleep until it was practically morning already. Besides the lack of sleep though, I still have felt a bit off. More emotional or something. I don't know what's going on to be quite honest. Perhaps I just need a few nights of decent rest.
Finally, I have a sense of humor. This has been pointed out to me by my friends mostly. I mean I acknowledge that I can be funny and I have a bit of a sarcastic humor. However, I don't exactly see it in myself as much. I mean, I don't see myself as being a "funny" person. I can take jokes to a point. Honestly, I don't always take them well and sometimes I take them way too seriously.
Well, there's another Practicum student at North Branch library with me (there's 3 of us total actually but the other student works in Adult Services) and she's older than I am. Honestly, I'm pretty sure I'm the youngest at the library. She's from Nepal and is married and has a family. She has a full-time courseload plus she's TAing several classes. While I've already finished my hours, she's still working on hers. She's really nice but sometimes she does things that annoy me. She tries to be funny but I'm sorry to say that I don't exactly find her sense of humor to be funny. To me it's more annoying. I can't always tell when she's joking. I don't know if I just don't understand her sense of humor or what. There's just something I feel like I don't get. She also does some other things that tend to annoy me. I know she's just joking around when at times she pretends to act like a child when we are helping with crafts during one of the programs. Like she'll say "Can I have 5 more minutes Miss Ronda?". I mean I know she's joking but again, I don't really find it funny. I mean I've done that before but I don't know why it's different with her.
Then there are things she says that I just don't feel comfortable explaining or answering questions. Tonight she asked if I was going to continue my studies after my Master's. I told her no and she wanted to know why. I just told her I didn't want to. She said "Don't you want to make your parent's happy?" The thing is my parents are already happy with what I've accomplished. I don't need to continue unless I want to and I really don't want to. I don't see the benefits of getting a Doctorate in the Library Science field. Not unless I wanted to be a professor and I don't. Sure my parent's have pressured me at times but as long as I'm happy, they are happy. They already know I don't want to continue on for a Doctorate (at least not right now although there's always the possibility in the future but more than likely not). She also said she was just trying to give me advice like an older sister. The thing is, I don't need an older sister really. I already have an older brother who gives me plenty of encouragement and advice. She wasn't really being serious about this but I didn't exactly see the humor in it that much. There's just something I don't get about her I guess.
I can't help but feel annoyed by her at times and then I feel really bad that I do. I mean before I even met her, I already had a huge advantage, I had more library experience than she did and I still do. She has never worked in a library environment like I have. She has a busier life than I currently do. I try to be patient, I really do but inside I'm struggling with frustration. Soon I won't have to see her much anymore since I'll officially be finished once I do my Storytime. I'm still going to be helping out when I can for the next couple of weeks but not as much as I have been I'm sure.
A lot of random stuff on my brain. A lot to digest. But my main focus is getting through Friday. I'm sure everything will turn out just fine though. Break a leg!
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