My initial topic today was something different and I'll discuss it tomorrow. But things have come forward that make me want to talk about the incident that occurred a while back ago. Mostly I just thought I should talk a little about what's changed since then. How I feel about it now. A reflection on it so to speak.
I'm not going to go back into what happened exactly. If you want to know the full story you can read about it here : http://bookworm388.blogspot.com/2011/01/sorry-i-not-interested.html
Several months have passed. In fact it's been over a year since it happened. However, some things still haunt me.
The memories have faded somewhat which is definitely good for me. I mean I'm not going to forget them entirely anytime soon. However, the feelings I had about what happened have diminished. In other words, I'm not haunted by my memories so much anymore.
I've talked about it with friends and with my therapists enough that I feel slightly better about it. The more I talk about it, the easier it gets. However, I'm still not quite ready to discuss it with certain people. Namely my family members.
It's hard to forget what happened when I'm still living in the same place and the neighbor is still living in the same place. I'm not going to truly feel better until I'm not living here anymore, no longer feeling trapped or haunted.
As I've said, I feel much better about what happened. I've at least stopped blaming myself for what happened. Well mostly. As time has passed, I've started feeling less fearful about something like this happening again. However, I haven't let my guard down. I still have the fear that something could happen.
Sure as more and more months go by with nothing happening, the fear has dwindled. I've begun to feel a bit more relaxed and safer. At least to a point.
Ever since the incident happened, I've felt trapped in my place. I've done everything I can to avoid seeing the neighbor or even running into him. I know what his car looks like. For awhile after the incident, just the sight of the car, would send shivers up my spine. It brought back the memories. Even if I was walking around town, I would see a similar car or even just a car with a similar color and get anxious. It was horrible. My reaction to seeing the car now isn't much better but I don't freak out as much anymore. I'll admit though that I still get a bit nervous seeing it though.
The way I live my life has certainly changed. Prior to the incident, I would just go out anytime I wanted. I basically lived my life without worrying. Of course now things are different. I'm guarded when I go out. I check outside to see if the coast is clear before ever leaving my apartment. Normally, I'm fine during the week because that's when the neighbor is off to work. I feel safer and can be myself more on those days.
Yet on weekends and sometimes during the week still, I am more guarded. I tend not to go outside as much. I pretty much lock myself in the safety of my apartment. I don't even open my window blinds on those days. If I do decide to venture outside, I check before I even set foot outside.
There have been a couple of times I checked to make sure it was safe and started going outside but then I see the neighbor's door open or see him outside and immediately shut my door and lock myself inside again until I'm sure he's gone again.
The good news is that I don't tremble so much anymore when I see him. Not like I did at first. I still get nervous but really it's only for a minute. Mostly I think it's because I thought I was safe and then finding out I wasn't. Thinking that the coast was clear and finding out it really wasn't.
When the neighbor is home during the week it tends to limit what I do. I don't do much in the first place but I do even less when I see his car around and know he's here. For instance, today I was originally planning to do laundry because I thought he wouldn't be here. But it turns out he is here so I'm not going to be doing laundry today. The laundry building is nearer to his apartment than mine. I have to cross the parking lot which isn't very big. But still. It's in the same direction and when he's around, even if I don't see him, I'd rather avoid going in that direction.
Once awhile back ago, before the incident, I was doing laundry and he saw me and stopped to say hello. Now after what happened, I want to keep as much distance between me and seeing him again.
I'm a lot more guarded now than I used to be. I don't let anyone into my apartment that I don't know (which isn't a lot of people anyways since I don't know a lot of people). I'm more cautious to the point that it seems as though I'm paranoid. At least it seems that way to me.
Truth be told, while I claim to be fine, I don't really think I am. Listing all the things I do just to avoid seeing the neighbor make me seem as though I'm not fine. I'm just dealing with it. Or not dealing with it as it might seem. I've pretty much let my fear over what happened control my life. It seems that way anyways.
It's almost like I'm two different people living two different lives. On days that the neighbor isn't around, I'm more relaxed and carefree (well at least until he gets back from work). My blinds are open, I'm just happier. However, on days that he is around, I'm more locked away, cautious. I don't go out as much and check before I do.
Things are truly better for me in regards to the incident although the evidence might suggest otherwise. Things have gotten better and they will continue to do so.
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