I often ask myself this question. I don't find myself particularly all that attractive. I've said so many of these reasons previously in other blog posts.
This was something else we discussed in my therapy session this week. How perhaps the neighbor found me attractive and that's one of the reasons he kissed me (not talking about it didn't last that long!). I certainly didn't find him attractive though. He's not my type for one. Plus I'm really not into wanting a relationship right now.
To be honest, I haven't been really interested in a relationship for quite some time. In middle school, some of my friends had boyfriends. I did "go out" once with a guy once if you could call it that but I wasn't interested in having a boyfriend so it didn't really last. Even in high school, I didn't have a boyfriend. Here I'm 24 years old and have yet to even have my first relationship. I've had crushes but that's about it.
Many of my friends by this point, have had relationships and have been in love. I haven't. I don't even know what it's like to be in love with someone. To be in a relationship. Some of my other friends are married or engaged or even have kids!
How does it feel when the girl next to you
Says she loves you
It seems so unfair when there's love everywhere
But there's none for me
(" Some Guys Have All The Luck" Lyrics- Rod Stewart)
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find someone. If I'll even be interested
in finding someone. Sometimes it feels as though I'll never find the right person. I know my guy is out there somewhere, but I think I'm almost afraid to find him.
I'll admit that at times I've been jealous of
others. I've felt lonely and wanted someone to share a special bond with. But then again, I've also been too busy focused on other things.
I've just always seemed to have been focused. I guess I
took my parent's advice to heart: There will be time for boys later. I
guess I just developed that into a personal philosophy to the point that
I'm 24 and still single and really not interested.
I'll admit that at times, I felt it was ridiculous to be in a relationship. Well, I thought my friends were crazy. It just wasn't something I understood. There was also the fact that sometimes it made it harder to be friends with someone when they had a boyfriend or girlfriend. It just made me feel awkward.
I mean I'll sit and watch couples and sometimes I wish I had someone like they do. I did that before my session on Tuesday. Just sat on a bench and watched students going back and forth and some of them were couples.
I remember being at my Senior Prom and just hating it for the simple fact that everyone had a date but me. The friends I hung out with at the time all had dates for the prom. I didn't. It was just horrible for me. Being there alone with my friends , feeling like a third wheel because they all had someone. Afterwards, I was invited by a couple of friends to go bowling but I didn't want to. I was just feeling so miserable by the end of it that all I wanted to do was go home and cry (and I did).
So do I want a relationship? Sometimes I do. Right now, not really. I want to find someone someday. At least I hope I do. But then again, I think who'd want a relationship with me and why?
I really don't consider myself all that attractive. While I'd say I'm pretty enough, I just don't really see someone falling in love with me. I'm not a particularly stylish dresser. I typically just wear jeans or capris, nerdy t-shirts, and tennis shoes. I wear glasses and my hair is simple. It's wavy/curly and I usually wear it half up, half down or in a ponytail. Rarely do I just leave it down. I don't often wear makeup partly because I have some skin issues. I'm also short (not that that matters much) and I'm about average weight. In fact, to put it simply, I'm a nerd. Yet still, I'm not sure who would be attracted to me. I'm pretty simple compared to others. It's almost like choosing a plain vanilla frosted cupcake over a bright pink, rainbow sprinkled one. I'm not saying that I'm necessarily that plain cupcake but sometimes I feel that way.
In fact when sometimes my friends would tell me back in middle school and high school, so-and-so likes you or so-and-so has a crush on you, I would be surprised. For a moment, it made me feel hopeful that someone possibly liked me; found me attractive. Yet, it also occurred to me that perhaps my friends weren't being serious.
I guess others see something about me they like or find attractive. I certainly don't. In fact when my therapist suggested that could be his motivation for kissing me, I almost laughed. I certainly shook my head. I find it hard to believe that someone would find me attractive. I just simply don't believe it right now. But then again, I just don't see what others see.
Of course, that's one of my many problems. I see my faults and weaknesses and I'm hard on myself because of them. What other people see is different from how I see me.
.
Someday though, someone will find me attractive and I'll believe it. And I hope it's reciprocal; that I'll like them as well. My ideal guy is someone who is just as nerdy as me. We could be in Nerdfighterlike and I'd be happy.
Won't you be in Nerdfighterlike with me?
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