Truth be told I really didn't know what I was going to blog about tonight. I really don't have much going on in my life. Well nothing terribly exciting at least. I do have a blog topic but I'm trying to save it until Saturday or Sunday if at all possible. I really didn't want to talk about my day either especially since it was pretty dull as days go. All I did today was laundry and then work on coursework for my cataloging class. Other than that, I just watched/listened to TV and did stuff on the Internet. Oh and read some more of Catching Fire.
So that was the brief description of my day. Like I said, nothing too exciting and nothing I really can talk about in a blog post. But I finally thought of something.
As I'm sure I've mentioned before, my brain always seems to be thinking about things. Just a hodgepodge of things both good and bad. One of the things I've been thinking about this week (mostly because it was brought up in my sessions) is how I'm part of a internal struggle of positive and negative voices.
My friends say that I tend to be a pretty positive person even when it's hard to be. In all honesty I see myself as being a pretty positive person too. However, I also struggle a lot with the negative voices inside myself. I can't seem to help it. I know all these positive things about me and I want to believe them and for the most part I can. However, then the negative voices get to me and sometimes I don't know what to believe anymore.
I know these negative voices are unhealthy for me and yet I chose to listen to them. I know I shouldn't listen to what they are saying but I do and I believe them sometimes.
These negative voices have impacted the way I see myself and who I am. I've listened to them for so long that when I try to listen to the positive voices, they still get in the way. I'm not very confident and I'll admit that my self-esteem is a bit low and I'm sure this is why.
I often feel I'm too hard on myself. I try hard to do well that when I fail, I feel miserable. I let the negative voices inside me take over until they pretty much all I know. It's been a struggle for me and one of the reasons I'm in therapy now. I'm trying to deal with those unhealthy voices. It's not easy.
I feel like a lot of these negative voices have come from being beaten down by peers over the years. I've certainly been verbally bullied and somewhere along the way, I guess I just starting believing what people said about me. And I guess that's led me to be the way I am now.
Part of me feels that the negative voices get in the way of me just truly being myself in real life. It's certainly not such a problem online where I'm practically anonymous.
That I really should listen more to the advice I gave my nephew when he interviewed me "Be yourself" . It's great in theory I feel but not so easy in practice.
Things are getting better though. I have to keep saying that. It's more for me than for anyone else. If I keep saying it, the more I'll believe it. At least that's what I feel.
This whole internal struggle I have between the positive and negative voices inside me is actually complicated. I'm not even sure I can fully express it in words.
I'm not even sure I've made much sense in this completely honest blog posting. It seems more like a jumble of random thoughts thrown together in the attempts to make sense.
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