I've noticed quite recently that I seem to talk a lot about me being different. That I seem to focus on a lot on my differences from everyone else my age and just in general. I can't help it. I am different.
I've been different as far as I can remember. I've just have never truly felt like I "fit in" somewhere. I was different when I was a child and I'm still different as an adult. I just can't seem to relate well with a lot of people.
Yet, another reason I struggle with friendships. (There's just a lot of reasons that it's truly a complicated issue). Maybe it's because my parents are older than many others my age (My mom was 40 when I was born) that is partly the reason for this. I was just raised by older parents. I've never minded this fact but perhaps this has influenced the way I am. Different generation perhaps.
When I was younger, I always seemed a bit more mature in my thinking than most kids my age. At least, that's what my parents told me. I think they were right though. I just wasn't "normal" in a sense. I didn't get along with girls my own age much of the time. Something about me just didn't sit well with them. They basically judged me before they got to know me. Regardless though, they didn't seem to like me for some reason. I don't really know why though.
Because of that though, I ended up playing with the boys in my class a lot of the time. I had more fun with them. They didn't mind me. We had fun together. I had a few friends that were girls but I still hung out with the boys more. I guess it was simply because they accepted me more. For awhile, it felt like I had more friends that were boys than girls.
Then there was the whole issue with Girl Scouts. To be honest, I didn't really enjoy being a Girl Scout all that much. It was particularly rough when I was in Junior Girl Scouts. I don't remember it ever being easy but it was worse in Junior scouts. It wasn't the scouting that was the problem. It was the other girls in my troop. They all seemed to bond. They were all friends. Me on the other hand, I was always left out. I was the one they tended to ignore. I wasn't really part of the group. Again, I was different from them.
In Junior Girl Scouts, I was left out constantly. We would hang out before the meetings but almost none of the other girls would play with me. I was almost always on my own. Despite the fact that we had all known each other for years and had been part of the same troop. It didn't matter. I was still the one being left out. It was horrible.
It's not just at Girl Scouts either. When I went to the Recreation Center for Summer Camp and After-School Frenzy, it was the same thing. I just never seemed to "fit in" there either. From the first day, I felt like I was already categorized as being different. Like people had already judged me. From the first day, I felt like I was being left out. I basically ended up making friends with other outcasts. Others that were in the same position as me.
I really wish I could find out what exactly it was that made others not like me from the get go. Why I was always left out? I tried to be friends but it didn't make a difference. What was it about me that made me different and not want them to be friends with me? I guess I'll never really know.
It's really painful to talk about all this. It's not a pleasant subject at all. It brings so many bad memories and I know it affects me even today. Why I still feel different. Why I can never truly feel like I belong.
Even when I've somehow managed to find a group where I seem to "fit in" I don't ever quite feel like I really do. For instance, at the meetings for an attempted Harry Potter Alliance here at UNT, I went and had a good time. I met some people and was just in general happy to meet other Harry Potter friends. But I couldn't help but still feel a bit out of place, many of the others were Undergrads and lived on campus. I on the other hand am a Grad student and live off campus nearer to the center of town. Just this fact made me feel a little awkward and distanced.
Similarly with what happened with the Young Adult ministry I tried to join at the church here. Many of the others in the group were married and I also felt they were more into the religion than I was. So again, I felt different. Although the feeling like I'm not as religious, isn't a new experience for me though. When I was back in Oklahoma, I at least felt I was part of the group there. Perhaps because I was a student like them. But again, I felt like the others were into religion a bit more than I was.
I don't know what exactly it is that makes me feel different but I just am. It's not a bad thing but sometimes I just wish I could find a place where I truly felt like I belonged. I guess I'm just destined to always feel different.
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