Halfway through the month of April and so far I've managed to successfully post a blog everyday so far. Despite the fact that several of my post have been random (like today's), I've at least managed to come up with something to write about. Hopefully for those reading, I've at least kept you somewhat entertained or interested. I've also managed to post a photo everyday this month or almost everyday this month on my Tumblr. Small things but nonetheless accomplishments.
Before I get into today's blog topic a quick recap of my day just because I can: Today hasn't been a very exciting Sunday but then again most Sunday's aren't for me. There was a thunderstorm earlier this morning which I didn't enjoy. I don't like thunderstorms. I like the rain but not the thunder or lightening. There was also some computer issues this morning. My laptop bluescreened on me twice this morning. Basically it wasn't the best of starts to a Sunday for me. I also decided to start organizing some paperwork today. I have a big pile to recycle, a pile to shred, and a smaller pile to scan/ file away. Organization! It's something I exactly enjoy. I mean I'm organized to a point which is probably strange coming from a future librarian. After all they say librarians are super organized individuals (HA!). Although from the librarians I've seen and mostly Youth Services librarians (my area of focus), they aren't nearly as organized as one might think! Since I'm going to be gone for the Summer though, I need to some things put away and organized.
Anyways, now that the boring stuff is out of the way. On to today's topic. So several months ago, I upset someone who I considered a friend (See Invisible Friend post for details). It wasn't something I did on purpose. I didn't even mean to offend said person but I did. The blog post was just an expression of my feelings and being honest. Whatever I said didn't sit well with this person and as a result she blocked me from contact on social media sites like twitter. I couldn't believe when I learned I was blocked from following the person on twitter. I felt like the person had taken it to the extreme and that it was unnecessary. It was ridiculous!
So I basically cut her out of my life. However, it hasn't been easy. I thought I'd be able to just let it go and not worry about her anymore. After all, she's the one who made it clear she didn't want to have anything to do with me. I don't know why I'm still interested in her and her life. Why I still want to know what's going on with her.
Perhaps the main reason is that we were once friends but then we weren't. Whatever I did to make her so upset, I don't know and perhaps will never know. But the thing is, I do want to know. I just want to know what I did and apologize if necessary. Regardless if she accepts my apology or not, I'd probably be able to let it go after. At least I feel like I would. I think it's just the fact that I don't know what I did that keeps me interested. Because I don't know what exactly I did.
I think it's also the fact that I still crave friendship with someone here in Denton and she is here in Denton. We have similar things in common and when I met her in person the one time I did, she seemed like a really nice person. I felt like we got along. Of course when I met her it was also when I met her now old roommate whom I didn't (and still don't) like.
Truth be told, I think it's because of what I said about that roommate that upset her. That's part of what my blog post was about. But again, it was me expressing how I felt. It was more for me than for anyone else.
I really don't understand why I can't just let her go. Why do I continue to be interested in her life? I mean there are times I can't help but be interested in her life. For awhile, at the beginning of this school year, she was struggling with some things. Some things that I myself had dealt with. I wanted to help her but because she cut off contact with me, I couldn't. I had to watch her suffer.
I don't want people to go through what I've gone through. I feel like I could help her, have an understanding. It's just the kind of person I am. Now though it seems as though she's doing better and I'm glad she is.
Yet again, why does she matter to me? Why do I continue to secretly keep up with her life? She let go of me easily, why can't I do the same?
I feel as though it doesn't matter so much to me as much anymore. As I've been in therapy my interest has dwindled to more of a curiosity every once in awhile. I know I shouldn't continue though. I should just free myself completely from her but something seems to be keeping me from doing so. My browser certainly seems to be trying to help me with that since recently it's been refusing to load her twitter feed (although it does load on a different browser).
I would love to just let it all go but everytime I try, I seem to find myself unable to do so completely. I think the problem is that we have unresolved business. Maybe that's all it comes down to. Maybe I just need the closure and that's why I can't let it go.
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