Yet again, I was going to talk about something else today but it'll have to wait.
So today, I went to my therapy session on campus. Normally my sessions are on Tuesday but this week we had to change so I went today instead. Today was mostly a discussion of yesterday. Yesterday was not a good day. The afternoon wasn't at least and it was all because of one assignment.
I basically had an emotional breakdown over an assignment for my cataloging class. I got so frustrated and just could not understand it no matter how hard I tried. So I ended up giving up and turning in the assessment will practically nothing.
I felt so horrible and was just so frustrated. From just beginning the lesson, I already knew it was going to be a problem.
( Commence Library Science speak): The lesson was on classification systems with a focus on The Library of Congress Classification. Now in the lesson it stated as one of the cons of LCC " LCC can be hard for the average patron to understand". Hard for the average patron to understand?! I'm a graduate student in Library Science and I barely understand it myself. Because of this I already knew this lesson would not end well and as predicted it didn't.
Following the previous lesson format, our assessment was practicing assigning Call numbers to books using the Library of Congress system. So confusing! What with the different letters for class and then having to add things called Cutter numbers just to formulate the call number. Basically, it was a disaster. We were given tools to use to help us out but even using the tools and re-reading the lesson examples over and over again, it still didn't help. I didn't even know where to begin! We had to determine the subject of the book (which isn't really all that difficult) and figure out where in the LCC it fit. Just searching for the subject in one of our given tools resulted in a variety of different responses and I couldn't figure out how to get from point to point. To make things even harder we had to translate this call number into a MARC record; basically something a computer system would read.
I really hate turning things in incomplete but sometimes I feel like it's my only option. I basically had no choice but to give up last night. Thus led to me feel horrible about not only the assignment but also myself.
So today we talked about that in my therapy. I sometimes feel like I overreact to things like this. Like my frustration is more extreme.I was assured it's not. Also, the fact that I was feeling horrible about myself and thinking more negative thoughts afterward is normal. Being frustrated just kinda got the ball rolling.
Anyway, I also found out today that I only have 2 more sessions before Summer. Although I feel like I’ve accomplished so much in all my sessions, I
can’t help but feel like I still have much that needs to be discussed.
Since I’m not
going to be here for Summer, I wouldn’t have another session until
August. I’m a little concerned though. I found out that I might have to
switch therapists in the fall. My current one has to reduce the number
of cases she handles (I should mention this is a supervised doctoral
student clinic which works for me) and there is a chance I might not be
with her anymore.
I can’t help but think if I even need to come back in
the Fall. I mean, I probably should but the question is if I actually
NEED to. I mean I’ve already accomplished a lot and truth be told, I’m
handling things a lot better than I used to. There’s a few things I’d
still like to discuss but overall in some way I feel like I’m ok to move
on. Maybe? Possibly?
I don’t really know. I guess I could just outright
ask. She didn’t exactly say that I wouldn’t be her client anymore just
that there’s a possibility. Just thinking about it though, I’m sure I’m
not exactly that high priority of a case. I mean, in terms of why I’m
in therapy in the first place isn’t all the impressive (at least I feel
it might not be). If I do decide to end it though, I can always go back
right? If I needed to? Considering Fall will be my last semester, I’ll
probably have to end therapy soon anyway since I’m not sure what will be
happening to me afterwards.
I’m almost afraid to let it go though
because it’s helped me so much. I hate to say it but I'm almost afraid to not have therapy anymore. While it would certainly be nice to not have it again, to basically feel normal again, I can't help but wonder if I should go without it. Therapy has truly been helpful to me and while I'm dealing with things a lot better and could probably manage on my own again, I'm afraid to. What if I need to come back? What if things happen and I can't deal with it on my own?
There's always that possibility that I might have to go back. Truthfully I've fallen in love with therapy. I truly feel better being in therapy. Having someone else to help me sort through all the feelings and thoughts that run thru and sometime dominate my mind has been so wonderful. Especially when I don't have anyone else here to talk to. I sought therapy out because I knew I needed help. No one forced me or anything. I knew I couldn't handle things on my own anymore. I guess I've come to depend on therapy to help me that I'm afraid to go without it and possible go without it again.
My life before I started going to therapy was so much different and I don't want to go back to it. If it hadn't been for a pile up of things last semester which led me to seek therapy in the first place, I don't know what my life would be like now.
Therapy is just wonderful. I don't want to lose my therapist but I understand that I have to move on too. It's just the way things are.
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