BEDA Day 30: Nostalgia/ The End

It's the end of another BEDA (Blog Every Day April) and yet again, I'm pleased that I successfully completed the challenge. It hasn't always been easy this month but surprisingly I've been able to not only post every day this month but also manged to find some topics to discuss in my posts.

It helps that I've had a lot on my mind lately too. I hope I've been interesting to whoever has been reading. Not that it really matters. After all, I've said time and time again, that this blog is for me.

It's been nice to blog on a daily basis but I'm glad to not have to worry about it so much anymore. I'm still going to blog pretty regularly, ust not on a regular basis. I'm sure this isn't the last  time you'll see me this upcoming week though. There's a good chance that I'll blog tomorrow (since I seem to be blogging every time I've been to therapy). Tomorrow is my last session for the semester until Fall.  But then again maybe not. Who knows?

Still though I feel it'll be nice to take a bit of a break from blogging for a little bit after blogging daily for 30 days.

Moving on to today's main topic. So earlier today my mom and I took a trip to Stillwater, Oklahoma to visit the Oklahoma State University campus. I graduated from OSU in May 2010 with a Bachelor's in Elementary Education. I still go back and visit about once a semester.

It's hard to believe that it's been 2 years since I graduated and lived in Stillwater. It doesn't really seem all that long ago and yet it also has.  It's weird to go back now. Walking around campus is familiar and yet unfamiliar. It's different now.

It feels weird knowing that the last time I really was on the campus was when I was graduating. I've come back to visit several times since but it still feels weird.  Memories come back to me.Good memories. Nostalgic memories.

I go back to visit one of my professors that I had. She and I just got close. She taught my middle-level (middle school) experience and for some reason, I just really enjoyed her class and her as a professor. Then I discovered that she attended the same church I did and somehow I think that just made the connection.  I also go back to visit my ex-advisor. She and I also just had a good relationship during my time at OSU. She was the first advisor I had and she was wonderful. She still is wonderful.  During one semester, I was moved to another advisor but I didn't like the other advisor as much and she requested that I came back to her.  She's helped me so much and in so many ways. Not only is she a great advisor in terms of my academics but also in some personal things.  Certainly much better than my advisor here. I've managed to keep in contact with both my professor and my advisor and keep them updated with everything going on with me.

They both are such amazing people that sometimes I can't help but wonder how much different my life would have been if I'd never met them. I often say that if I could go back, I'd redo my degree and go for something different. But then I think, it would mean I wouldn't have met two amazing people who care about me. I don't know if I would've found such people like them.

Walking into Willard Hall which is the College of Education building, just brought back memories of my time there. Brought back all the hours spent in classes within the building and some of the professors I had. I even saw another one of my professors while we were there.

My mom and I even went by the pond behind the building; Theta Pond. I remember walking by this pond and watching the ducks. Just remembering my life there in Stillwater, while watching the mama duck and her little ducklings today.  All day really was just full of nostalgia and memories. Memories of walking through the Student Union and across campus. The Union has changed and looks different. 2 years and things have changed. I've changed too.

For lunch, we went to Hideaway pizza. A pizza place that my cousin first took my parents and I too and which we all fell in love with. Memories... Afterwards, my mom and I went by St. John University parish. The parish I went to while I attended the university. A church lady I got to know and also keep in touch with well was there and we talked with her for awhile.  Memories of Sunday evening masses followed by a dinner for the students that she helped out with. Memories of some of the people I got to know and become friends with. Things that I miss now.

Finally, a quick trip to Eskimo Joe's to pick up the new College of Education Teacher shirt, downtown to the Goodwill Thrift Store to kill some time, and a stop at Braum's for a Banana Split before heading back out and back here to Denton. All these memories of a life I once had. Almost dreamlike.

All these  people that care about me. A place where I was truly happy. A place that holds so many memories for me and that I'll always love. A nostalgic place. A place that sometimes I wish I could go back to. A place where, as my mom pointed out, my heart belongs.

My heart does belong at OSU. I was happier there. I had friends there. I was part of something there. I was part of the university more. I feel more loyalty toward it than I do to my current school and will always feel that way.

I fell in love with OSU from the beginning and now it holds so many fond memories, so many people I care about and who care about me are part of the university. It's become such a part of me that I just simply can't let it go.

I'm grateful for all the wonderful memories the university gave to me and 'm very proud to be an OSU alumnus.  ORANGE POWER FOREVER!

*Final note: I'm not sure if I'll do BEDA again regardless if it's in August or April. I feel like it's already been done so much that it's not exactly a challenge for me anymore. It's pretty much lost it's meaning. It was nice while it lasted but I think I won't do it anymore. I'm not saying I won't blog anymore during those months. I'm just not sure I'd want to the the whole month anymore. Too much to take on sometimes.  Not typically very excited. Plus the whole quality versus quantity thing. It's not doing much for me anymore. Besides, I've started blogging again pretty regularly on my own. I don't really need to be forced to do it regularly anymore.*

BEDA Day 29: Not adventurous

I've discovered that I'm not a very adventurous sort of person. I'm really not.

I tend to stick to things that are familiar and don't tend to venture out much to try new things.

For instance, I don't live very far from Dallas. I've lived here in Denton for almost 2 years now and still have yet to really explore Dallas much. Part of me would like to explore and be adventurous but I'm afraid to do so.

Today for instance, my mom and I met my cousin at a restaurant in Dallas close to SMU. He lived and worked in Dallas at SMU for about 13 years. So he's pretty familiar. Anyways, my mom and I were waiting for him. He called and said he was running late. He mentioned there was a bookstore nearby and so my mom and I decided to go looking for it. We didn't find the bookstore but we walked around anyways. I got nervous walking around. I was actually a bit frightened. Walking through unfamiliar streets with no one but just my mom. No one was around. There was no sign of people.  I felt so exposed. These frightening thoughts came into my mind. Horror stories of things that happened to people who walked alone in big cities. I mean I realize we weren't exactly alone but still.

My mom finally asked me if I was scared and I told her I was and we headed back to the car. I felt bad though. I felt like I was preventing her from exploring some more and I hated that feeling. I felt better seeing people around though.

Truth be told, Dallas frightens me. It's a big city and I'm not used to it. When I first moved here, just the fact that 2 lanes became 3 freaked me out.  I still don't like driving into Dallas much. It still freaks me out. 

I want to go to Dallas and explore but since it's so unfamiliar, I don't want to get lost and then run into trouble.  I wish I could go with some friends who knew the city but since I don't know anyone that also stops me from going.  There's also the fact, that I just simply don't want to spend all this money that I don't exactly have.

All this sounds weird though because I eventually want to live in a big city. I want to live somewhere like Austin or San Antonio. I don't know.


I'm not even much of a thrill seeker either which I guess can relate to not be very adventurous.
I have only ever been on 1 actual roller coaster in my life.  It was at Circus Circus in Las Vegas and I was 21. Just a few years ago.  I've been on plenty of mini-coasters like at fairs and kiddy coasters but until I was 21, I hadn't been on an actual roller coaster. 

My brother was shocked to learn this fact when I told him. He's still surprised. I just have never really been inclined to want to ride actual roller coasters I guess. When we went to Walt Disney World in 2005, I didn't even ride the Rockin' Rollercoaster.  I'm still not entirely sure I want to ride it even when we go back.  We are planning to go to DisneyLand in August and I'm sure I'm going to be begged to ride California Screamin'. My nephew has ridden it and he's 13 right now! That fact has also been used against me. I'm just not someone who jumps at the chance to ride rollercoasters.

Despite the fact, that I know some of the science behind them doesn't help. I just am not a big roller coaster fan unlike my brother.

I  guess you could say I'm a scaredy cat and lately I've been feeling like I am. I don't know why I'm not more adventurous.  I mean I feel like I would be but then I realize I'm not really.


I even remember going to DisneyWorld for the first time when I was 6 years old and being scared of practically all the rides (I'm not anymore).  I didn't really even want to try them (although I did). Of course I was 6 at the time but still.

I find it interesting how I'm adventurous when it comes to food but not so much in other things. I've eaten things like sushi,, oysters, and crawfish. I've tried snake and alligator. I've even eaten squid and octopus and eel I've been bold enough to try fried coke. Basically, food  isn't such a hardship when it comes to trying new things.

I don't know what the reasoning is behind my being not so adventurous. Perhaps just throwing a small town girl into an unfamiliar big city environment did it. Perhaps something else. Whatever the reason though, I'm simple not very adventurous.

 I'm adventurous in some things like food. Now if only I could apply that to other things in my life as well. 

BEDA Day 28: Dreamless/Restless

For once this post is going to be relatively short. Mostly because I don't really have a lot to say. It's also a bit random. Just thoughts going on in my head. 

For some reason lately I've been having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep.  As far as I know, I'm not worried about anything and don't really have anything on my mind. I mean I have things on my mind.  But that's not unusual and it's not things that should keep me awake.

Yet for some reason, I'm still having some trouble.  I feel like all my problems are fine at the moment.  Things are ok in general. Sure I've been busy with schoolwork and a little stressed over it but I wouldn't think I'd have trouble sleeping because of it.

It's weird. I'll even go to bed early some nights because I'm simply just tired but yet, it'll take me awhile to fall asleep. Then sometimes I'll wake up a few hours later or minutes later for no apparent reason.

I've also noticed that lately I haven't really had any dreams. I mean I don't always dream or that if I do I don't always remember them. However, it just feels like lately it's been awhile since I've really dreamed. Many times my dreams are weird anyways.

It's not like my bed is uncomfortable either. In fact, my bed is extremely comfortable now. When I came back from Winter break, I got a brand new mattress. It's a memory foam type of mattress which is certainly a lot better for my back. In fact, ever since I got my new bed, I haven't had any back problems.

Some nights I've gotten just a little too warm so maybe that's a reason  I haven't been able to sleep. I really don't think so though.

Maybe it's the excitement of my family coming that's been keeping me awake. Who knows? Whatever the reason though, I've had quite a few nights where I've tossed and turned.

I listen to calming music when I have trouble falling asleep but sometimes even that doesn't seem to help.  I still tend to toss and turn.

I just wish I knew what was keeping me up at night so I can get some rest. Sometimes I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed.

 My mind thinks a lot. It almost seems as though it never really stops thinking of things.  It really wouldn't surprise me if sometimes that's why I can't sleep.

I don't know what's going on with my mind sometimes. It seems as though my mind has a mind of it's own.

BEDA Day 27: Job outlook

For the past few years, every time it gets closer to Spring graduation for the colleges, articles pop up all over the internet talking about the job marker and how because of the way the economy is, it's not looking so good.

This isn't very reassuring news for people like me. I'm still in school but not for very much longer. I only have Fall semester before I'll be in the same position as a lot of other graduates, looking for a full-time job.  It scares me thinking about this fact. I graduate in December and will be looking for a job after that (actually before then) but there's a really good chance I won't find one that soon. I'm sure it'll be several months before I actually find something.

Even then, like many articles say, it probably won't be full-time or even in my field. Even having a master's degree probably won't be much help. The sad truth is the job market is just bleak right now.

I did stay in school and go for a Master's degree partly because of the way the job market was looking a couple of years ago. It seemed like a better idea at the time. Give the economy a chance to pick itself back up while I work on my Master's.

 But here it is a couple of years later and while things have improved slightly, it's not a whole lot better which is certainly not reassuring.

As it is right now, it's just been hard enough to find a part-time job to help pay for expenses. Of course, I haven't exactly tried hard enough to find something and I also tend to be a bit picky when it comes to jobs. But still, there just isn't a whole lot of options out there and not that many people are hiring. They just can't avoid to higher people.

To make things worse, like several articles say, the tuition rates keep going up and because of that more students have to take out loans. I'm one of those students. At this point, I've already taken out several loans just to get through. I've  received some scholarships.  Most have just been basic scholarships and while they have certainly helped some, it's still not enough. I'm not quite done with school yet but I'm already dreading how much I'm going to have to pay back when I'm finally finished.

The thought scares me especially not knowing how soon I'll be able to get a job. I have some money from refunds that I intend on using to pay back but still.

I've also read articles that talk about how because of student loan debt many graduates put off getting married or starting a family. I'm going to be one of those graduates. I don't plan on getting married anytime soon but it's more because I'm wanting to get my career and such settled first before I even consider such things. Although, the student loan thing is also another part of it.  I already know I'm going to be paying off my student loans for quite some time.

It's crazy really when you think about it. The fact that it costs so much just to go to college. And yet, people tell you that you should go to college so you can get a better job.  Then as it is right now, people are struggling to make enough money just so their kids can go to college but college tuition is rising. Everything is, except the paycheck as I'm frequently told by my parents.

It's just crazy. Everything is. It's almost not even worth it to get a bachelor's degree anymore. It just depends on the field youo go into. A Master's degree seems to be one way to buy some extra time before finding a job but even then the outlook is perhaps only slightly better.

I'm one of the voices of many students everywhere. We need a break. Something. If higher education is so important, why is it that many of us are struggling to pay for it and still pay for it afterwards.

Even when I was beginning college, it wasn't easy. I applied for student aid but couldn't get it because according to them my parents made too much money. Despite the fact that I needed the aid. As it is the only reason, I'm getting through now is because I'm finally able to receive aid since now my parent's can't claim me. I dread the end when I know I'll have to start paying money back.

There's also the issue that despite having degrees, sometimes you still can't find a job. Some jobs want people with experience and yet many graduates don't have the experience.

It's all just a big complicated mess and in the end, you still end up with a lot of graduates with no job and a huge pile of student loan debt.

The future scares me. I can only hope that I'll be one of the lucky ones.

BEDA Day 26 : Why would anyone find me attractive?

I often ask myself this question. I don't find myself particularly all that attractive. I've said so many of these reasons previously in other blog posts.

This was something else we discussed in my therapy session this week. How perhaps the neighbor found me attractive and that's one of the reasons he kissed me (not talking about it didn't last that long!). I certainly didn't find him attractive though. He's not my type for one. Plus I'm really not into wanting a relationship right now.

To be honest, I haven't been really interested in a relationship for quite some time.  In middle school, some of my friends had boyfriends. I did "go out" once with a guy once if you could call it that but I wasn't interested in having a boyfriend so it didn't really last. Even in high school, I didn't have a boyfriend. Here I'm 24 years old and have yet to even have my first relationship. I've had crushes but that's about it.

Many of my friends by this point, have had relationships and have been in love. I haven't. I don't even know what it's like to be in love with someone. To be in a relationship. Some of my other friends are married or engaged or even have kids!

How does it feel when the girl next to you
Says she loves you
It seems so unfair when there's love everywhere
But there's none for me

(" Some Guys Have All The Luck"  Lyrics- Rod Stewart) 


Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find someone. If I'll even be interested in finding someone. Sometimes it feels as though I'll never find the right person. I know my guy is out there somewhere, but I think I'm almost afraid to find him.

I'll admit that at times I've been jealous of others. I've felt lonely and wanted someone to share a special bond with. But then again, I've also been too busy focused on other things.

I've just always seemed to have been focused. I guess I took my parent's advice to heart: There will be time for boys later. I guess I just developed that into a personal philosophy to the point that I'm 24 and still single and really not interested.

I'll admit that at times, I felt it was ridiculous to be in a relationship. Well, I thought my friends were crazy. It just wasn't something I understood. There was also the fact that sometimes it made it harder to be friends with someone when they had a boyfriend or girlfriend.  It just made me feel awkward.

I mean I'll sit and watch couples and sometimes I wish I had someone like they do. I did that before my session on Tuesday. Just sat on a bench and watched students going back and forth and some of them were couples. 

I remember being at my Senior Prom and just hating it for the simple fact that everyone had a date but me. The friends I hung out with at the time all had dates for the prom. I didn't. It was just horrible for me. Being there alone with my friends , feeling like a third wheel because they all had someone. Afterwards, I was invited by a couple of friends to go bowling but I didn't want to. I was just feeling so miserable by the end of it that all I wanted to do was go home and cry (and I did).

So do I want a relationship? Sometimes I do. Right now, not really.  I want to find someone someday. At least I hope I do. But then again, I think who'd want a relationship with me and why?

 I really don't consider myself all that attractive. While I'd say I'm pretty enough, I just don't really see someone falling in love with me.  I'm not a particularly stylish dresser. I typically just wear jeans or capris, nerdy t-shirts, and tennis shoes. I wear glasses and my hair is simple. It's wavy/curly and I usually wear it half up, half down or in a ponytail. Rarely do I just leave it down. I don't often wear makeup partly because I have some skin issues. I'm also short (not that that matters much) and  I'm about average weight.  In fact, to put it simply, I'm a nerd.  Yet still, I'm not sure who would be attracted to me. I'm pretty simple compared to others.  It's almost like choosing a plain vanilla frosted cupcake over a bright pink, rainbow sprinkled one.  I'm not saying that I'm necessarily that plain cupcake but sometimes I feel that way.

In fact when sometimes my friends would tell me back in middle school and high school, so-and-so likes you or so-and-so has a crush on you, I would be surprised. For a moment, it made me feel hopeful that someone possibly liked me; found me attractive. Yet, it also occurred to me that perhaps my friends weren't being serious. 

I guess others see something about me they like or find attractive. I certainly don't. In fact when my therapist suggested that could be his motivation for kissing me, I almost laughed. I certainly shook my head. I find it hard to believe that someone would find me attractive.  I just simply don't believe it right now. But then again, I just don't see what others see.

 Of course, that's one of my many problems. I see my faults and weaknesses and I'm hard on myself because of them. What other people see is different from how I see me.
 .
Someday though, someone will find me attractive and I'll believe it. And I hope it's reciprocal; that I'll like them as well. My ideal guy is someone who is just as nerdy as me. We could be in Nerdfighterlike and I'd be happy.


Won't you be in Nerdfighterlike with me?

BEDA Day 25: Grad School is challenging

 I'm already feeling the stress that comes with the end of the semester. I have a Subject Cataloging Exam that opened Friday and was originally due yesterday but was extended until tomorrow.  Then on Sunday Lesson 13 is due (a discussion post and assessment). It wasn't even opened until Monday. Then on Tuesday, May 1, the Final Project opens. I also have my Final Practicum paper due on May 3rd. Already I have a bunch of things due and a short time to do them all in. It wouldn't be so hard but I also have company here and we have some plans to do some things.  I'm just trying to get everything done in time.

I know it comes as no surprise to anyone but Grad school is actually really challenging. Not to mention extremely stressful at times. I knew it was going to be and yet I still wanted to do it. A graduate degree has just been something I've wanted to go after for quite some time. 

I was ready to accept the challenge of Grad school. It was already hard enough from the beginning due to the simple fact that I had to deal with moving to a whole new school and new place. That certainly didn't make things any easier to deal with.

I don't know why I thought going into Library Science was going to be easy for me. I mean, it's still graduate school so it's going to be challenging. I don't really think I thought it was going to be necessarily easy for me but I guess I also just think it would be quite as challenging as it's been.  I mean by the time I applied for Grad school, I'd already decided that I didn't want to be a teacher and I already had library experience. I felt like maybe my library experience would come in handy and while it has, there's also been a lot more to learn.

Not that I didn't expect to learn. I mean I don't know all there is to know about libraries and even as I'm nearing the end of my degree program, I still don't know. I guess I don't know quite what I expected. I know I didn't really expect it to be nearly as challenging or as stressful as it's been but then again, I don't know what I did expect.  After all it is grad school which is already just more advanced.

You know people go into grad school knowing that they are going to be tested and challenged. That things are going to be a lot harder than they were for Undergrad. You're adding at least 2 more years of studies; more depending on your degree and as for a Doctorate (which I'm not going for) at least 4 more years after you get an Undergrad. The short of it is, Graduate school isn't something you take on lightly.

It's also something not a great amount of people take on. After all, how many people want to add 2 or more years of serious studying under their belts after already being in college for at least 4 years? Not to mention the fact that many degrees require intense research and thesis papers or extensive exams. It's certainly no picnic.

I don't regret my choice to go to grad school at all.  I just didn't expect it to be quite as stressful as it has been. I've had more breakdowns while in grad school than I ever did as an Undergrad. I've been more frustrated and stressed out as well.

I'll admit that even as an Undergrad and even before that, I've been frustrated and broken down over assignments. While I am quite intelligent, that hasn't made school all that much easier for me. I've struggled and somehow Imade it through. But nothing has compared to how tough grad school has been at times. Yes, there have been times where I felt a particular course was easier for me but there's been plenty of others that haven't been.  I've had my moments where I've felt like giving up.

Grad school is frustrating and it's no wonder why I just finally cracked at the beginning of last semester. The pressure just finally got to me. Add a bunch of other things I was dealing with at the time to the mix and it's really no wonder why I had to seek therapy.

Despite being in therapy since October, I still have those stressed out, frustrated beyond belief, ready to give-up, and emotional breakdown moments. I had one of those quite recently over my confusion of the Library of Congress Classification system (which I still don't fully understand).

At first I thought my reactions to stress and frustration over particularly difficult assignments have been a bit extreme but I've been told otherwise by my therapist. After our session on Thursday, I've realized that maybe it's not as extreme as I've thought. She told me she's felt this way about assignments and so has many others. One of my Oklahoma friends was stressing over a presentation recently and I'm almost certain she's felt the same way I have. It's really more common than I realized, I guess.  It just gives you evidence of how tough Graduate school really is.

It does make me wonder though if more graduate students seek counseling for ways of dealing with stress. It wouldn't surprise me though.

 Grad school is a whole different beast than Undergrad was.  My last year of Undergrad work was certainly challenging enough. In fact the  Fall semester of my Senior year, was the semester from hell (excuse my language here but it's actually the best description I can give).   Despite being warned ahead of time by advisor, it still wasn't enough to prepare me. I had a nervous breakdown and ended up seeking counseling in order to get me thru the rest of the semester. Only once did I ever seek counseling during my time as an Undergrad.

In comparison, I've sought counseling 3 times since being in Grad school. Twice for short-term counseling and once for long-term therapy (although it could be considered only twice since the 2nd time I was referred to the clinic for long-term therapy).  The challenges of grad school are just one aspect of my problems.  They haven't made my life any easier though.

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it all the stress and frustration.. Of course I put a lot of pressure on myself as well. But then I think how I'm almost finished with my degree and how exciting that is.
I've accomplished something that not everyone does.   At least this time, I feel as though I'm finally going after something that I enjoy.  That fact makes it all worth it.

Graduate school can be challenging but it'll all be worth it in the end.

BEDA Day 24 : The Full Story

Hopefully this will be the last time this month that I mention anything about the Incident. In fact, I just hope it's the last time for awhile.

There are some things about that evening that I haven't mentioned to anyone until now. Not to my  family or friends nor even to my therapist (s).  Up until now. Things that are just memories mostly but things that I feel could contribute to how I feel about the whole thing.  Could contribute to my feelings over blaming myself for what happened.

I mentioned on Tumblr how something happened on Friday that caused me to be shaky. Here's the story: Friday morning, I was heading to the library for Storytime and saw the neighbor’s car pull out in front of me. The same neighbor from the Incident. I know it was his car. He has certain stickers on it that I have at this point memorized so I just know it's him. I also know the color too. I proceeded to follow it almost all the way to the library. It was unintentional that I followed it (obviously). But still seeing it, recognizing it, sent waves of fear thru me. At the time I spotted the car, I was singing along with a song on the radio and I continued to do so trying to distract myself. It didn’t exactly work though. Eventually, I just stopped. I was actually getting a bit shaky too. I felt so at least. It’s not even that long of a drive to the library but by the time I reached the parking lot and parked, I felt like I was a shaking a bit. I had to spend a few minutes calming myself down because of what happened.


Truth be told I don’t understand my reaction. I thought things had gotten much better but then again, maybe not. Then again, maybe things never truly went away. It really hasn't let's just be honest. I've just gotten better at dealing with it.  That's all I feel I can do. Deal with it the best way I know how. Which I guess for me means locking myself away whenever he's around. Not opening my blinds so it looks like I'm not around and checking everytime I want to go outside. I guess I'm just dealing with it.  Until I've moved away, I don't think I'll feel safe. I don't think it'll go away.

We discussed this in therapy today. Just my reaction and how things have changed. Going back into it. Why we really haven't discussed it since the beginning of the semester. Why it's come back really now.  What happened has certainly changed me as a person and robbed me of something that I can never get back. Not really get back. It's complicated.

Discussing what happened again of course brings back memories of that evening as well as things that I've never really mentioned before.  Now that I think about it, I'm not even sure I've mentioned the full details of exactly what happened.  I've mentioned the important part but that's mostly it.  Now I'm going to tell the whole story to the best of what I can remember.

*takes a deep  breath* So here it goes:

It was November 13, 2010 (I know this because I still have the conversation with my friend after it happened) . So it's been over a year. I don't remember the details about the conversation that took place that evening.  I couldn't tell you much about what we talked about.  I just remember him coming over that evening wanting to know how I was doing.

We sat at my kitchen table for awhile talking. He then asked if I would mind playing a song on my piano . Sidenote: when I first met him back when I first moved in, my parents were with me. He saw the piano and asked about it and I played a song then too. He liked hearing piano music. It's not usual me playing for someone either. People are just generally interested when then find out  I can play. ).  While I tried to find a song, he asked if he could use the restroom. Afterwards, I played a song for him and he enjoyed it. Then we talked some more. Again, I don't remember the exact conversation. I remember mentioning something about him being old and him laughing about it. I didn't mean he was old old but certainly older than me by quite a lot. I then remember him asking me to come to him. He was trying to show me something but for some reason, I thought he was asking me to sit on his lap. (I don't know what I was thinking or where I got that idea). It turned out he was trying to show me some scar or something from when he fought. (He's an ex-Marine).

Sometime after that we got into a conversation and I remember getting a bit emotional about it.  I don't remember breaking down completely but I do remember shedding some tears about it. Finally after a little more conversation, he decided to leave.

 I headed to the door to open it and say goodbye when it happened. He was outside already getting ready to leave when he tried to kiss me the first time. He wasn't aggressive about it either.  I remember still being a little teary eyed. Him putting his hand on my cheek. Me holding onto that hand telling him something along the lines "I'll be fine. I'll be ok." referring to the conversation we had. (I think it was something about me feeling lonely). Then suddenly I remember him kissing me. I remember just standing there shocked. Not knowing quite how to react. I seem to remember me trying to step back out of it.  It was very short. But after the first kiss I remember him saying something like "That wasn't a real kiss" and then deciding to try again. I really don't know why I even let him try a second time. I guess I was just still in shock or something. Then again, he really didn't give me time to react before he kissed me the second time. I remember breaking free, trying to reach for my door handle to get away,  and saying "No. I'm sorry. I just can't". Something like that.  After it was over, I remember feeling on the verge of breaking down. I didn't know what had just happened. I think I was just in shock and wanting to get away from it as soon as possible. I  remember there being a bit of an awkward pause afterwards, before he said good night and headed back across the parking lot. I think I must have said Goodnight back and then something about it being a bit cool out. I don't know why I said that or anything. I just did. I think it was all I could do to diffuse some of the awkwardness I was feeling.

As soon as I closed the door though, that's when everything just broke down. All the emotions I was feeling just let loose. I remember begin shaken up and feeling guilty. I remember feeling unclean and washing my face to get the feeling of him kissing me off my lips.  I also remember wiping down my toilet with Clorax wipes. I think I just wanted to erase all the traces of him being there after what had just happened. I was just an emotional wreck.

After what happened, I knew I needed someone to talk to. I just knew it couldn't be my family. I just couldn't tell them about what happened. So I reached out to my friends via Twitter asking them for help. Needing someone,  almost anyone to help. My guy friend responded first. It's great he wanted to help but I just felt it couldn't be him at that moment. I just felt like it would be better talking to one of my female friends first. I was nice about it though and he didn't mind. Then one of my female friends contacted me and we had a long Facebook conversation about it. She made me feel a lot better and I was able to calm down enough to where I at least felt somewhat better.

And now you know the rest of the story...


So that's the full story of what happened. The first time I've described in detail, I think. I've told this story at least 7 times by now (8 including this full version).  4 times to counselors and therapists, 3 blog posts, and 1 time to a friend. Although by this point, I think my close friends know all about it. I've mentioned it a few times on Tumblr too and have even written a few poems about it.

What happened really traumatized me. I've said this before. I guess that's really why I'm still dealing with aftereffects ever after over a year since it happened. What happened really shook me.  Maybe I don't really deal with it but instead just simply tolerate it. It's complicated.

The memories do tend to come back to haunt me though. Like now and when I don't really expect them to. What that reason is though, I'm not sure I really know. 

Talking about it; writing about it, does help to a point. I do feel better each time I do talk or write about it. While I've mostly stopped blaming myself for what happened, there's still a part of me that feels responsible. I don't think I'll truly ever be ok about it. At least for a really long time.

BEDA Day 23: Repetitive

I've realized that a lot of my blog posts this month and just in general have a lot of overlap or that I've tended to repeat myself a lot.

Some of the most common topics have been about writing being therapy; writing in general;  me talking about counseling/therapy and how amazing it is; me being different and my issues.  There's actually more topics I'm sure I can include in this list but these are some that I've noticed.

I feel as though there is just a lot of repetitiveness. And now you know how my mind tends to work....Welcome! A lot of randomness and repetitiveness goes on.

I've also gone back a little bit and realized that I have indeed talked about some things previously. Namely the whole thing with my High School friends growing up. Yet somehow I've managed to change it up a bit. Focus on some different things.

I am concerned though that sometimes because my posts can be a be repetitive to the point where they are boring. I don't want to necessarily be boring but at the same time, I can't help that sometimes my mind thinks about things that I've already talked about before.

My mind just tends to think a lot. A lot of things it thinks about are repetitive. Things that I think about  one day tend to come back into my thoughts on another day.

While I might seem repetitive, I can't help but think that it helps me to see patterns easily.  I realize how things I blog about relate to one another. It gives me more insight into how my mind works.

I apologize for being repetitive and if tends to be a bit boring. Even just writing this post on repetitiveness,  I feel as though I've been a bit repetitive.

I can't always be original with my blog topics especially with the number of posts I now have.  But then again,  I'm sure at some point other people get repetitive as well.

Sometimes my life feels like it's on repeat.

BEDA Day 22: Why am I doing BEDA?

So I was watching a video on YouTube talking about how this month there is a surge of videos and vlogs as part of Vlog Every Day April or Video Every Day in April. Similarly, there are a lot more blog posts as well for Blog Every Day April.  This also happens in August. It just depends on which month you chose to do. I've generally done April simply because I have more time and because that's what it originally started out as being.

Anyway,  the video I watched  got me thinking about the whole quantity vs. quality thing again. I've talked this previously but it tends to come up again every time I do BEDA. There's the issue of lack of quality simply because the quantity is more. That good quality videos or in my case blog posts aren't nearly as important. That people simply focus more on the quantity during such month-long challenges.

However I don't necessarily feel that's case for my blog. At least not this year.  I feel like I'm still providing quality blog posts. Posts that I'm proud about.  I think it helps that I've been blogging more to begin with. Basically every since I started going to therapy I've found myself needing an outlet of some sort. Just somewhere where I could express my inner thoughts and feelings again. 

Like I've also said before, writing is also a form of therapy for me. So even though I'm in one type of therapy I feel like I have another one to supplement it. Writing has pretty much been a way for me to express myself and a way to comfort myself. When things have been difficult, I've turned to writing and it's helped me get through the hard times. For instance during my 8th and 9th grade years. I turned to poetry back then and some regular writing as a way to deal with everything. Sometimes I honestly think that  if it wasn't for writing, things would have been a lot more difficult for me. As it was, it was still extremely difficult for me.

I've just been writing more as sort of my own individual form of therapy.  My number of posts have increased but I feel like I'm still presenting fairly quality posts. At least I'm trying to. I realize that sometimes my posts aren't always too exciting but I try. It helps that I tend to have a lot on my mind. Well, I have had a lot on my mind lately.

I honestly feel that part of that is because of me going to therapy regularly. While I feel like my mind is always thinking about something and has even before I began going to therapy, I feel as though going to therapy has made me think more about things. It's given me more insight and has helped me better formulate my thoughts about why things are the way they are. I'm not entirely sure how to describe it or even if it makes much sense.

So why am I doing BEDA then? Like I said, I wasn't exactly planning to. I just happened to post a blog on the first day of the month and then I had something else on my mind the 2nd day and just decided to make an attempt. I've so far managed to stick to it and now I only have 8 more days left. For me it's been a challenge. It's a writing challenge but one that I've happily taken up.

Perhaps my quality has diminished but somehow I don't think it has. I look at some of the things I've posted so far this month and I know I would've blogged about some of the thing even if I hadn't taken on the challenge of writing each day this month. I still would have had several blog posts this month regardless.

While I feel like my daily life isn't all that exciting, I still seem to find something to blog about. This year at least, which is certainly an improvement over previous years. Again, I can attribute this to being in therapy. While we certainly discuss a lot of things, we can't cover everything.  I guess that's why I turn to blogging. I've certainly noticed a bit of a pattern in terms of when I've been posting some of my blog posts. They tend to be on the days I've been to therapy.

Therapy is meant to get you thinking (or at least it gets me thinking) about things. Even afterwards, I'm still thinking about things. Sometimes these thoughts get all jumbled and I need to get them organized somehow so I blog about them. They could be fleeting thoughts or they could be things I think about for days or even weeks. Sometimes these thoughts come back to me at random moments. Whatever the reason that leads me to blog, I don't try to stop it. I learned a long time ago not to try and suppress my need to write or blog. If it helps me (and it does) I should just go for it. If that means writing every day for a month than so be it.

I'm not sure what it is about this month that has caused me to have a lot of things on my mind but that's the way it has been and that is basically why I've kept going with BEDA. I'm not writing these posts so much because I have to as part of my daily commitment. I'm writing many of these posts because I need to. It's what's keeping me relatively sane.

BEDA Day 21: Personality Revelation

I had a topic in mind yesterday for today's post but it slipped my mind. However, I have what I feel is a much more interesting topic. Early this morning (or late last night if you want to look it from that point), I had a bit of a Revelation. I discovered perhaps more about who I am last night.

If you follow me on Tumblr (which some of you do)  then you were treated to my discovery last night. Basically it all began with a Tumblr post. A few days ago, a few of my friends reblogged a post regarding personality types and their relationship with your  Hogwarts House. Pottermore is finally opened to the public so now a lot of people are getting sorted and the originators of the post were curious to see if certain personalities were sorted into certain houses.  Just as a curiousity.

I'm officially a Huffepuff as determined by the sorting on Pottermore and while at first I was surprised, I've come to accept that it's really who I am. Although I still feel like I have a bit of Ravenclaw tendencies.

According to the short little question/test/information thing linked in the post my personality type is a INFJ. This personality is based on Myers-Briggs which lists 16 personality types.  I'm not sure if I've ever taken a full Myers-Briggs test before or not. I tend to remember taking a variety of interest/career/personality type of tests though in high school and during my first couple years college. I remember taking a bunch of test for this program that my parents signed me up for prior to me going to college. It was some sort of thing that would help me plan for college and such. I don't remember much about it anymore. I took a variety of tests for them to help me with degree possibilities and such but I'm uncertain if a Myers-Briggs test was one of them.

Anyways, I wasn't sure if INFJ was truly my personality type. I just based it off the information given on the site and chose what sounded most like me on the little questionnaire thing on the site.  I was particularly unsure about the last one, if it should be a J or P.  The question basically said something about being a planned or unplanned person.   I'm not someone who likes to be unplanned but things tend to happen that way a lot so I went with the planned side which is "J".

So late last night, I just got a random thought in my mind. I was interested in looking up personality types of people who become therapists just for curiosity sakes when I stumbled upon this website: http://www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/careers/#nf 
Which talks about career matches by personality types.

I saw that this was divided up by the different Myers-Briggs personality types and thought about the Tumblr thing with Pottermore. I looked for mine and was interested to learn that listed under my particular personality type was "Librarian" as one possible career. I'm currently studying to be a Librarian. Then I started to notice a few other things of interest. Dentist is listed under this personality as well. For the longest time when I was little, I wanted to be a Dentist.  And that’s not all. Also listed under this personality is Teacher/Professor which was my Undergrad degree (Elementary Education) although I realized I didn’t want to be a teacher. Also listed is Musician which I’m one and Writer which I also am. I realize these last 2 are more like hobbies but still I feel they could apply.

Then I looked into this page: http://www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/infj/ Which gives more information about the INFJ personality. As soon as I read it, I started to feel as though something just clicked. That things were beginning to make some sense.   Of course being the library student I am, I had to research some more. So I googled "INFJ personality" and began looking at the results. The more I read about the personality type, the more I realized that it sounded just like me. The descriptions that I find were scarily accurate of who I am. I wasn't trying to make the personality fit me. It fits of it's own accord!  One of the pages talks about INFJ's being a perfectionist which I have to admit I am one. Another one says that INFJ's put a lot of pressure on themselves to do well which I most certainly do. Another page mentioned that INFJ's are prone to sadness and crying. This certainly would explain why I get emotional quite often. In fact it explains why I seemed to cry a lot when I was a child.  There's just so many things that are described for this personality type that fit me.

The description on the Personality Page website says this about INFJ's "INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. "  It just sounds so much like me. I've said many times before, that I feel like I'm a complex person and this just solidifies it for me that I am.



It's just a mind blowing revelation regarding all this stuff and realizing that this is me they're talking about.  To realize that this who I am.   It also might explain why I feel like I'm different from a lot of people since according to the websites only about 1% of the entire population is this personality type.

The whole thing is just fascinating to me and definitely more of an insight into who I really am.

BEDA Day 20: Different

I've noticed quite recently that I seem to talk a lot about me being different. That  I seem to focus on a lot on my differences from everyone else my age and just in general. I can't help it. I am different.

 I've been different as far as I can remember. I've just have never truly felt like I "fit in" somewhere. I was different when I was a child and I'm still different as an adult.  I just can't seem to relate well with a lot of people.

Yet, another reason I struggle with friendships. (There's just a lot of reasons that it's truly a complicated issue).   Maybe it's because my parents are older than many others my age (My mom was 40 when I was born) that is partly the reason for this. I was just raised by older parents. I've never minded this fact but perhaps this has influenced the way I am. Different generation perhaps.

When I was younger, I always seemed a bit more mature in my thinking than most kids my age. At least, that's what my parents told me. I think they were right though. I just wasn't "normal" in a sense. I didn't get along with girls my own age much of the time.  Something about me just didn't sit well with them.  They basically judged me before they got to know me. Regardless though, they didn't seem to like me for some reason. I don't really know why though.

Because of that though, I ended up playing with the boys in my class a lot of the time. I had more fun with them. They didn't mind me. We had fun together.  I had a few friends that were girls but I still hung out with the boys more. I guess it was simply because they accepted me more. For awhile, it felt like I had more friends that were boys than girls.

Then there was the whole issue with Girl Scouts. To be honest, I didn't really enjoy being a Girl Scout all that much. It was particularly rough when I was in Junior Girl Scouts. I don't remember it ever being easy but it was worse in Junior scouts. It wasn't the scouting that was the problem. It was the other girls in my troop. They all seemed to bond. They were all friends. Me on the other hand, I was always left out. I was the one they tended to ignore. I wasn't really part of the group.   Again, I was different from them.

In Junior Girl Scouts, I was left out constantly. We would hang out before the meetings but almost none of the other girls would play with me. I was almost always on my own. Despite the fact that we had all known each other for years and had been part of the same troop. It didn't matter. I was still the one being left out. It was horrible.

It's not just at Girl Scouts either. When I went to the Recreation Center for Summer Camp and After-School Frenzy, it was the same thing. I just never seemed to "fit in" there either. From the first day, I felt like I was already categorized as being different.  Like people had already judged me.  From the first day, I felt like I was being left out. I basically ended up making friends with other outcasts. Others that were in the same position as me.

I really wish I could find out what exactly it was that made others not like me from the get go. Why I was always left out? I tried to be friends but it didn't make a difference. What was it about me that made me different and not want them to be friends with me? I guess I'll never really know.

It's really painful to talk about all this. It's not a pleasant subject at all.  It brings so many bad memories and I know it affects me even today. Why I still feel different. Why I can never truly feel like I belong.

Even when I've somehow managed to find a group where I seem to "fit in" I don't ever quite feel like I really do. For instance, at the meetings for an attempted Harry Potter Alliance here at UNT, I went and had a good time. I met some people and was just in general happy to meet other Harry Potter friends. But I couldn't help but still feel a bit out of place, many of the others were Undergrads and lived on campus. I on the other hand am a Grad student and live off campus nearer to the center of town. Just this fact made me feel a little awkward and distanced.

Similarly with what happened with the Young Adult ministry I tried to join at the church here. Many of the others in the group were married and I also felt they were more into the religion than I was. So again, I felt different. Although the feeling like I'm not as religious, isn't a new experience for me though. When I was back in Oklahoma, I at least felt I was part of the group there. Perhaps because I was a student like them. But again, I felt like the others were into religion a bit more than I was.

I don't know what exactly it is that makes me feel different but I just am. It's not a bad thing but sometimes I just wish I could find a place where I truly felt like I belonged.  I guess I'm just destined to always feel different.

BEDA Day 19: Life without Therapy

Yet again, I was going to talk about something else today but it'll have to wait.

So today, I went to my therapy session on campus. Normally my sessions are on Tuesday but this week we had to change so I went today instead. Today was mostly a discussion of yesterday. Yesterday was not a good day. The afternoon wasn't at least and it was all because of one assignment.

I basically had an emotional breakdown over an assignment for my cataloging class.  I got so frustrated and just could not understand it no matter how hard I tried.  So I ended up giving up and turning in the assessment will practically nothing.

I felt so horrible and was just so frustrated. From just beginning the lesson, I already knew it was going to be a problem.

( Commence Library Science speak): The lesson was on classification systems with a focus on The Library of Congress Classification. Now in the lesson it stated as one of the cons of LCC " LCC can be hard for the average patron to understand". Hard for the average patron to understand?! I'm a graduate student in Library Science and I barely understand it myself.  Because of this I already knew this lesson would not end well and as predicted it didn't. 

Following the previous lesson format, our assessment was practicing assigning Call numbers to books using the Library of Congress system. So confusing! What with the different letters for class and then having to add things called Cutter numbers just to formulate the call number. Basically, it was a disaster. We were given tools to use to help us out but even using the tools and re-reading the lesson examples over and over again, it still didn't help. I didn't even know where to begin! We had to determine the subject of the book (which isn't really all that difficult) and figure out where in the LCC it fit. Just searching for the subject in one of our given tools resulted in a variety of different responses and I couldn't figure out how to get from point to point.  To make things even harder we had to translate this call number into a  MARC record; basically something a computer system would read. 


I really hate turning things in incomplete but sometimes I feel like it's my only option. I basically had no choice but to give up last night. Thus led to me feel horrible about not only the assignment but also myself. 


So today we talked about that in my therapy. I sometimes feel like I overreact to things like this. Like my frustration is more extreme.I was assured it's not.  Also, the fact that I was feeling horrible about myself and thinking more negative thoughts afterward is normal. Being frustrated just kinda got the ball rolling.

Anyway,  I also found out today that I only have 2 more sessions before Summer.  Although I feel like I’ve accomplished so much in all my sessions, I can’t help but feel like I still have much that needs to be discussed.

Since I’m not going to be here for Summer, I wouldn’t have another session until August. I’m a little concerned though. I found out that I might have to switch therapists in the fall. My current one has to reduce the number of cases she handles (I should mention this is a supervised doctoral student clinic which works for me) and there is a chance I might not be with her anymore.

 I can’t help but think if I even need to come back in the Fall. I mean, I probably should but the question is if I actually NEED to. I mean I’ve already accomplished a lot and truth be told, I’m handling things a lot better than I used to. There’s a few things I’d still like to discuss but overall in some way I feel like I’m ok to move on. Maybe? Possibly?

 I don’t really know. I guess I could just outright ask. She didn’t exactly say that I wouldn’t be her client anymore just that there’s  a possibility. Just thinking about it though, I’m sure I’m not exactly that high priority of a case. I mean, in terms of why I’m in therapy in the first place isn’t all the impressive (at least I feel it might not be). If I do decide to end it though, I can always go back right? If I needed to? Considering Fall will be my last semester, I’ll probably have to end therapy soon anyway since I’m not sure what will be happening to me afterwards.

  I’m almost afraid to let it go though because it’s helped me so much.  I hate to say it but I'm almost afraid to not have therapy anymore. While it would certainly be nice to not have it again, to basically feel normal again, I can't help but wonder if I should go without it.  Therapy has truly been helpful to me and while I'm dealing with things a lot better and could probably manage on my own again, I'm afraid to. What if I need to come back? What if things happen and I can't deal with it on my own?

There's always that possibility that I might have to go back. Truthfully I've fallen in love with therapy. I truly feel better being in therapy. Having someone else to help me sort through all the feelings and thoughts that run thru and sometime dominate my mind has been so wonderful. Especially when I don't have anyone else here to talk to.  I sought therapy out because I knew I needed help. No one forced me or anything. I knew I couldn't handle things on my own anymore. I guess I've come to depend on therapy to help me that I'm afraid to go without it and possible go without it again.

My life before I started going to therapy was so much different and  I don't want to go back to it.  If it hadn't been for a pile up of things last semester which led me to seek therapy in the first place, I don't know what my life would be like now.

Therapy is just wonderful. I don't want to lose my therapist but I understand that I have to move on too.  It's just the way things are. 

BEDA Day 18: High School friends grow up

I'm not sure if I've talked about this previously or not. If I have, I apologize for talking about it again.  After over 100 posts, I'm bound to repeat topics at some point. Especially since it seems that certain topics reoccur in my life.

Anyways, I find it interesting to research my classmates and friends from high school every once in awhile and see how much they've changed since we've all graduated.  But it's also weird for me. I see how many of them have changed and then I get to thinking about how I haven't really changed.

I have but sometimes it doesn't feel that way.  Many of my classmates are now married and some probably divorced. Quite a few of them, have children  by now.

Some of my friends and acquaintances have children.  One of my best friends from middle school (she was my best friend back then) recently had a baby. She's not married (yet) but has a baby girl. One of my "friends" (more like an acquaintance) that I've known for years because we were in Girl Scouts together also has a baby. She's also a little bit younger than me.  Then another friend of mine that I've known since I was 2 1/2  is married. There's also several other classmates that are married or have children. Classmates that I've known since Elementary school.

It's just weird for me to look at them and realize we are all adults. That we are legally adults now.  and that things like this are normal.  I guess I just don't see it.  I still see us as the way we were.

I look at myself and I look at some of my classmates and  I think about what I've done. What I've accomplished. Yet, I can't help but feel a bit like I'm in the minority.

I know I'm not the only one who hasn't gotten married and is still going to school. My friend Chris is currently in Dental school while another classmate of mine is in Law School. There are at least some of us that are focused on our career goals first.

Everyone is different. If my classmates felt they were ready to be married, have children, get engaged, etc. that's them. For me it's just weird to see it all though.

I personally feel like I'm still too young but yet I also realize, I'm not. I'm 24 years old. It's not that uncommon for people my age to be doing all this.  I guess I've just never been interested in that stuff. I've always been too busy focused on getting my degree and getting started with my career before I ever thought about that stuff.

I mean I never exactly expected my life to be like it is now. I never really thought I'd be this close to getting my Master's and still be so focused to not be in a relationship of any type. I mean, these things happen when they happen. Yet, it's worked out that way. I can't say I'm disappointed either. I'm actually quite content with how things are.

Sure sometimes I get lonely and think it would be nice to be in a relationship but at the same time, I think how I don't want that right now.  I think about my brother and how things were difficult for him. He did things backwards, got married, had a kid, and then decided to go back to college.

I guess that's one of the reasons that I stay so focused.  Then there's also the fact that some of my classmates that are married or have children didn't finish college. Some of them started but never finished and may never finish. There's also some that did finish but didn't go any further.

I on the other hand have not only managed to finish an undergrad degree but I'm also almost finished with a Master's. I've done all this before I'm even 25 years old! I am probably one of the younger students in my degree program. Well I'm on the younger end of the age range, but look at what I've accomplished.

So while yes sometimes I think it would be nice to be in a relationship and such, I'm quite content with how my life has gone so far. 

BEDA Day 17: Reflection on the Incident

My initial topic today was something different and I'll discuss it tomorrow. But things have come forward that make me want to talk about the incident that occurred a while back ago. Mostly I just thought I should talk a little about what's changed since then. How I feel about it now.  A reflection on it so to speak.

I'm not going to go back into what happened exactly. If you want to know the full story you can read about it here : http://bookworm388.blogspot.com/2011/01/sorry-i-not-interested.html 

Several months have passed. In fact it's been over a year since it happened. However, some things still haunt me.

The memories have faded somewhat which is definitely good for me.  I mean I'm not going to forget them entirely anytime soon. However, the feelings I had about what happened have diminished.  In other words, I'm not haunted by my memories so much anymore.

I've talked about it with friends and with my therapists enough that I feel slightly better about it. The more I talk about it, the easier it gets. However, I'm still not quite ready to discuss it with certain people. Namely my family members.

It's hard to forget what happened when I'm still living in the same place and the neighbor is still living in the same place. I'm not going to truly feel better until I'm not living here anymore, no longer feeling trapped or haunted.

As I've said, I feel much better about what happened. I've at least stopped blaming myself for what happened. Well mostly. As time has passed, I've started feeling less fearful about something like this happening again. However, I haven't let my guard down. I still have the fear that something could happen.

Sure as more and more months go by with nothing happening, the fear has dwindled. I've begun to feel a bit more relaxed and safer.  At least to a point.

Ever since the incident happened, I've felt trapped in my place. I've done everything I can to avoid seeing the neighbor or even running into him.  I know what his car looks like. For awhile after the incident, just the sight of the car, would send shivers up my spine. It brought back the memories. Even if I was walking around town, I would see a similar car or even just a car with a similar color and get anxious. It was horrible.  My reaction to seeing the car now isn't much better but I don't freak out as much anymore. I'll admit though that I still get a bit nervous seeing it though.

The way I live my life has certainly changed. Prior to the incident, I would just go out anytime I wanted. I basically lived my life without worrying. Of course now  things are different. I'm guarded when I go out. I check outside to see if the coast is clear before ever leaving my apartment.  Normally, I'm fine during the week because that's when the neighbor is off to work. I feel safer and can be myself more on those days.

Yet on weekends and sometimes during the week still, I am more guarded. I tend not to go outside as much. I pretty much lock myself in the safety of my apartment. I don't even open my window blinds on those days. If I do decide to venture outside, I check before I even set foot outside.

There have been a couple of times I checked to make sure it was safe and started going outside but then I see the neighbor's door open  or see him outside and immediately shut my door and lock myself inside again until I'm sure he's gone again.

The good news is that I don't tremble so much anymore when I see him. Not like I did at first. I still get nervous but really it's only for a minute. Mostly I think it's because I thought I was safe and then finding out I wasn't. Thinking that the coast was clear and finding out it really wasn't.

When the neighbor is home during the week it tends to limit what I do. I don't do much in the first place but I do even less when I see his car around and know he's here. For instance, today I was originally planning to do laundry because I thought he wouldn't be here.  But it turns out he is here so I'm not going to be doing laundry today.  The laundry building is  nearer to his apartment than mine. I have to cross the parking lot which isn't very big. But still. It's in the same direction and when he's around, even if I don't see him, I'd rather avoid going in that direction.

Once awhile back ago, before the incident, I was doing laundry and he saw me and stopped to say hello. Now after what happened, I want to keep as much distance between me and seeing him again.

I'm a lot more guarded now than I used to be. I don't let anyone into my apartment that I don't know (which isn't a lot of people anyways since I don't know a lot of people).   I'm more cautious to the point that it seems as though I'm paranoid. At least it seems that way to me.

Truth be told, while I claim to be fine, I don't really think I am. Listing all the things I do just to avoid seeing the neighbor make me seem as though I'm not fine. I'm just dealing with it. Or not dealing with it as it might seem. I've pretty much let my fear over what happened control my life.  It seems that way anyways.

It's almost like I'm two different people living two different lives. On days that the neighbor isn't around, I'm more relaxed and carefree (well at least until he gets back from work).  My blinds are open, I'm just happier. However, on days that he is around, I'm more locked away, cautious. I don't go out as much and check before I do.

Things are truly better for me in regards to the incident although the evidence might suggest otherwise. Things have gotten better and they will continue to do so. 

BEDA Day 16: I can't curse

 I posted this on Tumblr a while back ago but I figured I'd post it hear on my regular blog as well and add some more to it. 

I’ve been wondering why I can’t seem to curse. Practically everyone I know does but me. My older brother and even my close friends. I don’t and I don’t get why not.

It's not like I'm a kid anymore and will get in trouble if I do.  I’m legally an adult and I could curse but I just can’t seem to bring myself to do it.  It's just really weird for me.

I grew up knowing that they were “bad words” and that they weren’t nice to say. I even got in trouble a few times for accidentally letting them slip. I will no longer get in trouble since I’m not a child but still. I can make my own decisions and such.

I certainly have thought about saying the words in my head but physically saying them aloud? I just can’t bring myself to say them even though I could. I mean I can even say them when they’re in a song for some reason (“Bad Romance” is an example. One word that’s repeated throughout and I can’t even say it).  I can’t even seem to write the words or type them!

I’ll reblog things with the words and I have no problem doing that since it’s not actually me. It’s weird. I’M weird. What is the big deal? Why can’t I curse?

It’s not like I want to become someone who curses all the time. But to be able to say the words every once in awhile without feeling so bad about them. Why can’t I do that? No one else seems to have that problem but me.

I'll tolerate them if they are said in things like music or videos but only to a point and then sometimes I still can't stand them. There's a new video I've been wanting to watch because it seems like it'll be funny but apparently they drop curse words like it's nothing. I know this because a friend of mine live tumbled when she watched the video and pointed it out. Now because of that I can't  seem to bring myself to watch said video.

It just doesn't make sense to me.  Why is it so hard for me?  I have friends that'll say curse words every once in awhile but it's not like they do it all the time. Then there are some people who that's their "normal" language. They say them all the time and yes, it bothers me. Like nearly every other word that comes out of their month is a curse word.

Truth be told, I think it sounds horrible. It doesn't add to a person at all. In fact to me, sometimes it makes me think twice about them as a person.  Mostly this applies to certain people. My friends on the other hand, it doesn't make a difference to me. 

I've already admitted that I'm not an overly religious person. In fact, I've been struggling with some things regarding my feelings. Perhaps though, that's what's stopping me? Somewhat?

But then again,it doesn't make a difference. I know some fairly religious people who still curse. I mean they don't do it all the time but still. So really it shouldn't make a difference.

I just don’t understand why it’s so hard for me. I’ll admit that it does bother me a bit when others do it but perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad if I were able to bring myself to say the words.

As if I didn't feel different enough, this just seems to add to my list of reasons I'm different.  I’m just weird.

BEDA Day 15: Halfway there,Living on a prayer

Halfway through the month of April and so far I've managed to successfully post a blog everyday so far. Despite the fact that several of my post have been random (like today's), I've at least managed to come up with something to write about. Hopefully for those reading, I've at least kept you somewhat entertained or interested.  I've also managed to post a photo everyday this month or almost everyday this month on my Tumblr. Small things but nonetheless accomplishments. 

Before I get into today's blog topic a quick recap of my day just because I can: Today hasn't been a very exciting Sunday but then again most Sunday's aren't for me. There was a thunderstorm earlier this morning which I didn't enjoy. I don't like thunderstorms. I like the rain but not the thunder or lightening. There was also some computer issues this morning. My laptop bluescreened on me twice this morning. Basically it wasn't the best of starts to a Sunday for me.   I also decided to start organizing some paperwork today. I have a big pile to recycle, a pile to shred, and a smaller pile to scan/ file away. Organization! It's something I exactly enjoy. I mean I'm organized to a point which is probably strange coming from a future librarian. After all they say librarians are super organized individuals (HA!). Although from the librarians I've seen and mostly Youth Services librarians (my area of focus), they aren't nearly as organized as one might think!  Since I'm going to be gone for the Summer though, I need to some things put away and organized.

Anyways, now that the boring stuff is out of the way. On to today's topic. So several months ago, I upset someone who I considered a friend (See Invisible Friend post for details). It wasn't something I did on purpose. I didn't even mean to offend said person but I did. The blog post was just an expression of my feelings and being honest. Whatever I said didn't sit well with this person and as a result she blocked me from contact on social media sites like twitter. I couldn't believe when I learned I was blocked from following the person on twitter. I felt like the person had taken it to the extreme and that it was unnecessary. It was ridiculous!

So I basically cut her out of my life. However, it hasn't been easy. I thought I'd be able to just let it go and not worry about her anymore. After all, she's the one who made it clear she didn't want to have anything to do with me.  I don't know why I'm still interested in her and her life. Why I still want to know what's going on with her.

Perhaps the main reason is that we were once friends but then we weren't. Whatever I did to make her so upset, I don't know and perhaps will never know. But the thing is, I do want to know. I just want to know what I did and apologize if necessary. Regardless if she accepts my apology or not, I'd probably be able to let it go after. At least I feel like I would. I think it's just the fact that I don't know what I did that keeps me interested. Because I don't know what exactly I did. 

I think it's also the fact that I still crave friendship with someone here in Denton and she is here in Denton. We have similar things in common and when I met her in person the one time I did, she seemed like a really nice person. I felt like we got along. Of course when I met her it was also when I met her now old roommate whom I didn't (and still don't) like.

Truth be told, I think it's because of what I said about that roommate that upset her. That's part of what my blog post was about. But again, it was me expressing how I felt. It was more for me than for anyone else.

I really don't understand why I can't just let her go. Why do I continue to be interested in her life? I mean there are times I can't help but be interested in her life. For awhile, at the beginning of this school year, she was struggling with some things. Some things that I myself had dealt with. I wanted to help her but because she cut off contact with me, I couldn't. I had to watch her suffer.

I don't want people to go through what I've gone through. I feel like I could help her, have an understanding. It's just the kind of person I am.  Now though it seems as though she's doing better and I'm glad she is.

Yet again, why does she matter to me? Why do I continue to secretly keep up with her life?  She let go of me easily, why can't I do the same?  

I feel as though it doesn't matter so much to me as much anymore. As I've been in therapy my interest has dwindled to more of a curiosity every once in awhile.  I know I shouldn't continue though. I should just free myself completely from her but something seems to be keeping me from doing so. My browser certainly seems to be trying to help me with that since recently it's been refusing to load her twitter feed (although it does load on a different browser).

I would love to just let it all go but everytime I try,  I seem to find myself unable to do so completely.  I think the problem is that we have unresolved business.  Maybe that's all it comes down to. Maybe I just need the closure and that's why I can't let it go.

BEDA Day 14: Plans for the (not too faraway) Future

In December, I have plans to graduate with my Master's degree in Library Science with an emphasis in Youth Librarianship.  The plans after that are unknown other than  I'll be looking for some sort of job.

Graduation will be here before I know it. In fact, I really only have my Capstone remaining before I'm officially done. I've finished all my Practicum hours already and just now have to finish up the final paper and be evaluated. After the summer course I'm planning to take, I'll have enough credit hours. I've already received a copy of my Master's degree plan.

In addition to Capstone (final examinations), I'm taking one other course just to make sure I have more than enough hours to graduate. Since I didn't recieve the required grade in my School Library course (I got a C. I needed at least a B for it to count), I had to pick up another course. I was already planning to take a summer course which would give me the number of required hours for my degree.More than enough in fact.   Even without passing the School Library class, I have enough credit hours. But I just wanted to be on the safe side and therefore I decided to take another course in the Fall.

There's really not much left for me to finish off. I'm going to be graduating with a Master's. Scary and exciting. But that also means that I'm going to be looking for employment now. I'm actually going to be in the real world soon. Working. I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for that. On the one hand I am ready to be done with school for the time being but working? I'm not entirely sure.

So I'm graduating in December and will be looking for a job. However, I highly doubt that I'll be getting a job that soon after graduation. Sure I'll start looking and everything but that soon? And with the economy slowly picking back up, the outlook is better but only just.  There still aren't a whole lot of job opportunities.

So what's next? Well I really don't know. I'll be looking for a job. Hopefully getting interviewed and such. But what else? It's going to be a fairly lengthy process I'm sure. I'm sure I'll be looking for a few months. Even if I start looking before I graduate, I'm sure I won't have much luck. The good thing is that I'm on a listserv for my college and they post job opportunities so that helps.

In the meantime though, I'm not sure what I'll be doing. Until I find a job I mean. I have my apartment here in Denton but will be returning home after Graduation for the holidays.

I was supposed to be heading to Walt Disney World as my graduation present but that might not be happening anymore.  For one thing, there are plans for all of us to head to DisneyLand in August. I wouldn't be a long trip like WDW would be but still. There's the issue of expense. It's just too soon between. Plus with me graduating and if family wants to come to the ceremony. It's just all crazy.

Then there's the main issue of me moving back home while I look for a job. My parents think it would better for me to move home. Do the same thing again that we did in Oklahoma. Pack up my apartment and move everything into storage until I find a job and a place to live. They don't see the point in paying for an empty apartment if I'm not going to be coming back.

Yet, I don't see why I shouldn't come back while I'm looking for a job.  I mean, logically,it would make sense to keep living in my apartment here in Denton rather than packing up and moving back home again. Especially if I find a job in Texas. Wouldn't it make more sense for me to stay put rather than repeat what happened in Oklahoma? 

While, I still don't like it here, I'd rather at least have some place to stay that wasn't home. I mean I love home and being with my family but I don't want to go through everything again. Yes, I realize it would probably save money but still.

Staying put for me would work out better I think.  In Oklahoma, I didn't have that choice. I had to move out. I had to look for a new graduate school since there was no way I was getting into the program at  Oklahoma State. However, this is different. This time, it's a job that I'm looking for.  It might take awhile but still, I think staying put; continuing to live here in Denton in the meantime is the best option for me.

Also it's like someone asked me on Tumblr. Do I want to move once or move twice? I really don't want to go through all the trouble to move into storage again. I'd rather just move once and be done with it.  I'd rather only move once.

BEDA Day 13: Storytime recap

Friday the 13th! I'm not someone who is highly superstitious. In fact I'd almost have to say I'm not really a superstitious person.

So today was the big day for me. The day of my planned Storytime. I was extremely nervous although I really didn't need to be.  I think it was more the fact that I was going to be in charge, leading the songs and rhymes that made me nervous.

Despite the fact that for several weeks (a couple of months), I've been reading and helping out with StoryTime every Friday. I've read books and helped lead the rhymes and songs and have helped out with the puppet show! In other words I should be used to it by now. I should be used to what happens. And yet, I still was nervous.

I've had my StoryTime planned out for awhile now. For a couple of months at least. I've had the books, songs, and rhymes picked out for awhile. I wasn't exactly planning on doing my StoryTime this week. I thought I still had at least a week to prepare myself. Well mostly prepare myself emotionally but when I went in on Monday, I was informed that I was doing it this week. 

The only thing I had left to do on Monday was my agenda and create the song sheet which is what I did. Since then I just tried to calm myself down as much as I could. Thankfully my therapist helped me out too with some calming techniques.

I was still nervous when I began  but I managed to get over it. I felt like I knew what was going on because I've helped out for so long. The format stays the same, the little speeches stay basically the same. I've been playing them over and over in my head since Monday and found that it came to me easily. 

My StoryTime went great! It was so much fun! The kids enjoyed it and I felt it went really well. It was over before I knew it!  Ducks in general are just a lot of fun!

The  group wasn't as big as it normally is for some reason. Who knows why? The weather was nice and everything. At least I didn't have to yell to be heard. A small group made it nicer I felt.

Also just the fact, I wasn't entirely on my own. I had the Library Assistant to help me and the Children's Librarian. I didn't really need a lot of their help as it turned out. I mean, I was still grateful for it but I actually managed to do a good job on my own.Like I said, the words just seemed to come easily.  I did stumble on my words a few times but I wasn't too worried about that.

The kids enjoyed it and most importantly my supervisor thought I did a really good job too! At least it's over now and I feel better. I feel relieved! I went out for lunch as a bit of a celebration. A celebration of how well I did.

So that's pretty much the end of my Practicum. I finished my required amount of hours quite a while ago and this StoryTime was pretty much the only thing left. The children's librarian wanted us to plan a StoryTime as our last thing of our Practicum. Now that it's over, I can relax and finish off the rest of my coursework. 

I'm not going in as much anymore. Just whenever she needs me to help. I'm still planning on helping out with StoryTimes for the next couple of weeks anyway. They only have a couple more before they take a break until Summer. Next week, the Library Assistant isn't going to be there. I already told the Librarian I would be there to help out.  The other Practicum student is supposed to do her planned StoryTime then. However, she wasn't here this morning because she had fallen ill. Hopefully she'll get better and be able to do it by then.

I'm just really glad my StoryTime went well and I'm glad that it's over. It was fun and everything but it's nice to not have to worry about it anymore. I feel like it's a bit silly how nervous I was to begin with but it's like with anything else, the more I do it, the easier it'll get.

BEDA Day 12: Therapy overlap

Being in therapy for some time now, I've started realizing there tends to be some overlap with some of the things discussed. Some of the tips given to me and methods.

This past Tuesday for example, I was in therapy and my therapist gave me a technique to calm myself down when I'm nervous about something. This same technique was something my advisor suggested to me back in Oklahoma. While I've used the technique previously before, it's just interesting how it came up again.

Between my various counseling, I've noticed some of the same things have come up.  Well at least the counseling I've sought here. Not so much the counseling from when I was in Oklahoma.  Although, perhaps it has and I've just not really noticed.  I recently did bring up the nervous breakdown that led to my seeking couseling back in Oklahoma though. I've brought it up before but this time we might be discussing it more.

I've been in therapy since August. Ongoing counseling/therapy. Prior to this, I've been in counseling 3 times.  Twice in short-term counseling here. Once in Oklahoma. All were brought on by slightly different things. It was actually during my 2nd round of short-term  counseling here that it was suggested I needed more long term therapy which is where I currently am and have been.

Things have been touched on in all my therapies that they have begun to overlap. Things that were said in one and are now being said in another.

I've also been to a therapist outside of the University environment. When I went home over the last Winter break, I went to a therapist in my hometown a few times just to keep on track.  Again, things were said in my sessions there that are being said here.

Things are just finally starting to make sense to me. A lightbulb moment so to speak. The overlap is starting to make sense. Things are becoming clearer.  The more I hear it it seems, the more it settles with me. The more I start to believe it. Hearing it more than once and recognizing that I've heard it before. It's just amazing to me and hearing it said by so many others just solidifies it for me that I should listen.

I feel like therapy has helped me so much. Some of the things discussed at first seemed insignificant but I'm realizing that they aren't so insignificant. In fact they just are pieces of the bigger puzzle.  I feel like I've made progress. Things certainly seem much better than they used to be for me. I feel happier and more content with my life than I was.

Therapy is simply just amazing and I'm so grateful that I had the courage to seek it out.

BEDA Day 11: Breakfast person?

I don't know what got me thinking about this today. Perhaps it was the fact that today's Photo A Day was showing where you ate breakfast.

I'm just curious what it is about people not eating breakfast in the morning. I know a quite a few people who claim they aren't "breakfast people" and usually don't eat anything in the morning. I don't understand it.

I personally eat breakfast every morning. It might not always be a big meal but it's at least something. Even if I'm running late for something. I try to at least eat a piece of toast or fruit or something.  I grew up this way though. I was always encouraged to eat something for breakfast. That was pretty much the one meal I couldn't go without at least eating something.

Yet, there are people who go without all the time. I have family members who go without breakfast quite often. To me, it doesn't make sense. Why wouldn't you eat breakfast?

My brother grew up the same way I did but normally his family doesn't eat breakfast. My nephew certainly doesn't.  Then again my nephew has other issues with food that I don't understand.
 
I hear all the time that breakfast is the most important meal of the day and it's told that you shouldn't skip it. Yet other people do and they seem perfectly fine.

I'm not suggesting that people have to eat breakfast food for breakfast, but I still think that it would be better to eat something. 

I just don't understand it. Why do people chose not to eat breakfast? I've heard reasons why but none of them really seem legitimate or logical to me.

I'm certainly a breakfast person and I'm glad to be one. I actually enjoy breakfast and particularly breakfast foods. Sometimes I eat breakfast foods for dinner and I enjoy it.

BEDA Day 10: My sense of humor/Feeling off/Random

Today is going to be yet another random topic post. Another post of things on my mind.

First off, today was my weekly therapy session and for once, I didn't break down or get too emotional. An accomplishment in itself but I feel it's only a temporary one. I 'm having my planned Storytime on Friday and only found out about it yesterday. Well, the fact that I was doing it this week I mean. I've had it planned out for awhile now. Because of my nervousness, today our focus was techniques to help me calm down and deal with the anxiety. So really there wasn't anything to get too emotional about. Interestedly enough though, we were still able to relate it to other things that have previously been discussed. It never ceases to amaze me just how connected a lot of my problems are. How things that seemed irrelevant aren't  much so.

The more I think about things, the more I realize and feel that I lack self-confidence. I'm just not a very confident person. As my therapist mentioned, she can see that I have more confidence than I give myself credit for. Which seems to be similar for a lot of things. I don't give myself enough credit for what I do know and tend to dial my accomplishments down.

I'm hopeful that the techniques will work. One of them is similar to something I already do and have previously been suggested to do by one of my advisors (the one I had at Oklahoma State). Already I've begun to calm down a bit. I just also keep telling myself it'll be ok. I'm not going to be alone either. I'll have others to help me out. So that helps a bit too. It's more the thought of being in charge of something that makes me nervous.  I'm used to doing Storytime and the routine and everything so it's not like I don't know what's going on. I'll be fine though. I thought I had another week to prepare myself (more emotionally than anything else) but I don't. Quite honestly, I'm not even sure if I'd be any more ready in a week than I am now. I doubt it would make much of a difference.

I feel as though I've been a bit off recently. As though I'm not my typical self  and I can't really explain why. For one thing, I've had a slight headache off and on for a couple of days and have just been feeling extremely tired lately. I'm sure it has to do partly with my lack of sleep. I have trouble falling asleep and then staying asleep. I've had nights where I toss and turn. In fact, a couple of nights ago I felt like I didn't quite fall asleep until it was practically morning already. Besides the lack of sleep though, I still have felt a bit off. More emotional or something. I don't know what's going on to be quite honest. Perhaps I just need a few nights of decent rest.

Finally, I have a sense of humor. This has been pointed out to me by my friends mostly. I mean I acknowledge that I can be funny and I have a bit of a sarcastic humor. However, I don't exactly see it in myself as much. I mean, I don't see myself as being a "funny" person.  I can take jokes to a point. Honestly, I don't always take them well and sometimes I take them way too seriously.

Well, there's another Practicum student at North Branch library with me (there's 3 of us total actually but the other student works in Adult Services) and she's older than I am. Honestly, I'm pretty sure I'm the youngest at the library. She's from Nepal and is married and has a family. She has a full-time courseload plus she's TAing several classes.  While I've already finished my hours, she's still working on hers. She's really nice but sometimes she does things that annoy me. She tries to be funny but I'm sorry to say that I don't exactly find her sense of humor to be funny. To me it's more annoying. I can't always tell when she's joking. I don't know if I just don't understand her sense of humor or what.  There's just something I feel like I don't get. She also does some other things that tend to annoy me. I know she's just joking around when at times she pretends to act like a child when we are helping with crafts during one of the programs. Like she'll say "Can I have 5 more minutes Miss Ronda?". I mean I know she's joking but again, I don't really find it funny. I mean I've done that before but I don't know why it's different with her.

Then there are things she says that I just don't feel comfortable explaining or answering questions. Tonight she asked if I was going to continue my studies after my Master's. I told her no and she wanted to know why. I just told her I didn't want to. She said "Don't you want to make your parent's happy?" The thing is my parents are already happy with what I've accomplished. I don't need to continue unless I want to and I really don't want to. I don't see the benefits of getting a Doctorate in the Library Science field. Not unless I wanted to be a professor and I don't.  Sure my parent's have pressured me at times but as long as I'm happy, they are happy.  They already know I don't want to continue on for a Doctorate (at least not right now although there's always the possibility in the future but more than likely not).  She also said she was just trying to give me advice like an older sister. The thing is, I don't need an older sister really. I already have an older brother who gives me plenty of encouragement and advice. She wasn't really being serious about this but I didn't exactly see the humor in it that much. There's just something I don't get about her I guess.

I can't help but feel annoyed by her at times and then I feel really bad that I do. I mean before I even met her, I already had a huge advantage, I had more library experience than she did and I still do. She has never worked in a library environment like I have. She has a busier life than I currently do.  I try to be patient, I really do but inside I'm struggling with frustration.  Soon I won't have to see her much anymore since I'll officially be finished once I do my Storytime. I'm still going to be helping out when I can for the next couple of weeks but not as much as I have been I'm sure.

A lot of random stuff on my brain. A lot to digest. But my main focus is getting through Friday. I'm sure everything will turn out just fine though. Break a leg!